Posting for traffic - nursery suggesting DD is autistic but I don't see it?

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

So nursery have raised some concerns about 4yo DD behaviour recently. Once, she "zoned out" in the loos whilst staring at the wall and she does go into her own little world a lot. Once, she got very upset over something trivial and slapped her own hand.

She does not repeat these behaviours at home - I know children with autism can present differently in different settings but surely not to that extent?

Nursery are now asking me to make a GP appt this week to get her assessed. I am torn because I want to help DD if necessary but I am her mum and my gut is telling me this is wrong.

Any advice or handholds? At work so will dip in and out. Thanks

Yeah I think I will go for assessment, probably private.

It is not that I don't want her to be autistic. I actually don't mind - a number of members of my family are and they have jobs, lives, they are fine.

I just don't think she is.

She doesn't have meltdowns or stim. She has good """normal"""" (lots of air quotes) interactions with friends. 15 kids came to her bday party a fortnight ago at a big party venue and she was loving it. She has twin baby siblings and has adjusted very well to them. She is openly affectionate. She is highly verbal and creative with language, not echolocalic. She likes routine but can deal with changes in plans, like oh the cafe is closed so you can't have a treat or no Granny isn't coming over today after all. She has interests but no obsessions that she can't be torn away from or gets hung up on.

I honestly honestly just don't see it

Look at it this way. If there isn't a problem, seeing someone will put your mind at rest and reassure the nursery. If there is a problem, you'll have caught it early and can deal with it. You have nothing to lose really.

Jax yes sure, it is just that when someone flags something that doesn't ring true you worry, and also I don't want her individual personality medicalised or pathologised iyswim.

I think you may have a very limited and stereotypical idea of what autism is. Everything you list that she doesn't do and the stuff she can do is the same as my son. But he has autism. The specialist who diagnosed him saw it straight away.

So get an assessment as you may be surprised.

Bollocks that is interesting. So what are your DS autistic traits or what "makes him autistic" iyswim?

It's lots of small things which put together show his brain is working in a different way. A lot of stuff in the report you don't see unless you know what you're looking for.

For example, when making choices at school who he plays with is less important than what he plays with. So more drawn to things than people. He prefers structured play over free play. He's a rule follower. He does get overwhelmed but you don't 'see' it. It's like the expression drains from his face and he goes blank/zones out. He speaks very precisely. He's extremely happy and sometimes it looks like his joy is bursting out of his seams. It's quite contagious and everyone loves him but he's a bit oblivious to how much others want to be with him.

His stereotype trait is he's an absolute genius with numbers, maths and science. He's 5 years old and is already reading GCSE textbooks for fun.

To me he's just a normal 5 year old, it's only when he's in a group that he stands out as different. And not in a bad way at all. But in a way that's really hard to pin down.

I bought him a tshirt with this picture on because to me it captures the essence of his difference.

Bollocks your DS sounds lovely. Can't believe how advanced he is at maths!

Can I ask what flags you saw/felt?

I'm a worrier and have fixated on ASD since DS was very young, although I relaxed for a long while until very recently and the "issues" pre school flagged.

If the health visitor had no concerns, what even would be the next step? I feel it's silly to push when I haven't been concerned...but would like to be aware of all avenues.

Sorry OP didn't mean to hijack your post, we've just had similar experiences...

We didn't think he had autism. We thought he was having a little difficulty expressing himself in his second language. So this was making it harder for him to fully engage with other children. He still did. It just seemed different for him. His school got in a educational psychologist to give them advice on how to help him. She watched him for 2 days and said he met the criteria for autism so we should seek formal diagnosis. Which we did.

What's really weird is that me, DH and my adult DD all have autism. But we didn't see it in him because he is so very different from us.

Oh interesting Bollocks. Were you all diagnosed as adults, or as children?

It's good that the educational psychologist was so on the ball with your DS.

DD was diagnosed at 15.

I was diagnosed at 38 (because I knew if DD was autistic then so was I).

DH hasn't been formally diagnosed but he is the poster boy for autism. He was assessed as a child in the 70s and was diagnosed as having 'an unidentified development disorder'. High functioning autism wasn't recognised then. But he's the only one who had to attend a special school because his difficulties were so bad.

Bollocks () that is genuinely interesting and thank you for sharing.

I know all children are different but your DS, lovely and super as he does sound, sounds like exactly the opposite of my dd. She has a small set of firm friends who she runs up to at nursery and plays with. She is not overly passive but not a leader and generally follows their lead. However she mostly prefers free imaginative play, for instance "you be the baby and I'll be a dragon" ie utterly random shizz she has made up. She can follow rules and directions but generally prefers freer play and not being hemmed in. She is clever but does not show any special aptitudes. The zoning out thing has happened once and I have never seen it.

It's difficult - I want what's best for her so will probably do the assessment in case - but I feel strongly that they are wrong and are basically stringing together a few unrelated incidents.

Maybe I'm That Parent though

It may be that they're overreacting to something or putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 5. I still think it's worth investigating, even if it's just to put an end to the idea. You don't usually get a full assessment to begin with. You see someone who decides if there's enough there to warrant a full assessment. If you're correct, that will be as far as you need to go with it.

I would get it checked out for your own piece of mind. Might be nothing, might be something. Either way she's still your lovely daughter and that won't ever change.
Interesting that you say that you have several members of your family with autism. Isn't there a genetic link?

I would go for the assessment, but if you are going private, be careful. As with anything, quality varies, and if the assessment isn't good enough, the diagnosis may not be accepted by local services if you do find that you need support going forwards

Blue jelly I believe there is and I've actively looked out for signs since she was small for that reason.

The members of my family are (sorry) very stereotypical "aspies" (not my term!). Almost all men and boys, sci tech obsessed, very sweet personalities but rigid ways of thinking, "off" socially and sometimes inappropriate, can't deal with crowds and groups, etc. They are very male autistic iyswim so that is my model. Dd just doesn't fit that but then I guess she wouldn't......

The traits you list aren’t typically female presentation (and not all males, like bollocks says :) )
Our DD is very outgoing socially - probably overly so! She is very quirky in a pleasant way, and most people wouldn’t guess she has autism. But she eats a very limited diet, more so the older she gets, and she is terrified of the bath and shower. She had other quirks too.
She needs no extra support at the moment, but the main reason we went for diagnosis is concerns with female presentation as teenagers. I want to be ahead of the game and also her teachers to be so that we can pick up on any possible signs of self harm or eating disorder etc as early as possible. Of course, she may not develop any of these traits at all, but I’d rather be hyper prepared and aware.

Thanks 3out

Tbh the more parents of dc with autism post, the more I think I'm right..dd isn't really quirky. She is imo a very average 4yo that likes Peppa, unicorns, playing babies with her friends and going down the slide. She doesn't have any one thing where you'd say "ooh that's a bit different" or unusual. She isn't difficult or hard work or "just a bit unique" really. She is on the cleverer side of average but no genius and sleeps and eats pretty much like most of her friends.

I am going to stop saying this now as I'm even boring myself but I'm really baffled. The nursery must know what they're doing but it feels all wrong.

Her sort of vacant episodes, the only thing that struck me a little is a family friend who is epileptic, she doesn’t tend to have seizures, but she does have vacant episodes. But I think that would be quite evident to you watching and knowing your own daughter if that’s what she had.

Nursery and preschool never suspected autism with our dd. We asked them and they said they had no concerns at all. To be fair, she is such a busy girl that it maybe was quite hard to spot.

I know nursery staff are very astute at picking up small differences and ‘red flags’, but if you’ve noticed nothing at home then diagnosis (if there’s anything to diagnose) might be quite difficult as in our experience it was our evidence of how the kids are at home which supported their diagnosis. There’s no harm in speaking to the HV to log the concern, even if it goes no further. It sounds like ASD has been on your radar a while, so just keep on as you are (and maybe focus on some websites which are specifically female ASD, just so your fully informed on possible signs which you hadn’t picked up on before?).

Sorry to hijack the thread a little but 3out, would you mind if I Pm'd you some questions about your DD and how she presents, I suspect my DD is autistic, but I feel like I am going mad as no one else seems to see it (DH especially)

Not at all one 😊

So today I found an NHS clinical psycho who works at our local big teaching hosp and she also does private practice. Autism in children is one of her specialisms so have emailed asking for initial assessment. We shall see!