It's not my loss, so why can't I get it together (trigger warning)

[NorthEndGal]

There was a terrible house fire here in town 2 nights ago, and it spread too quickly, and seven children perished. The family had only been in Canada a few years, but had really settled in.

I have not met them personally, they weren't at my kids schools or anything, I have no connection besides being a mum, and in the same town.

I can't stop myself crying. I feel so much pain for the parents. It hits out of no where, like a kick in the guts. I hurt so much for all of them.
At the same time, I am angry at myself. I guess I feel like it isn't my grief personally, so I have no right to be so upset.
I'm not the type that mourns celebrities, or does public mourning.
I can't stand grief mongers
Yet I woke in the night, sobbing, dreaming about them.
I try and focus on the here and now, and then suddenly someone says something that brings it to mind, and the pain comes again.

I don't even know why I am posting, I guess I hope someone will say it's fine, or normal, or will stop, or something

Its called empathy (different from sympathy). Nothing wrong with it.

You are a mum so the loss of children resonates with you. Its likely making you subconsciously think about you and your children's mortality.

Its a huge horrendous, shocking, devastating thing to happen so close to you (location wise). Give yourself time.

Thank you Nesssie , I hope you are right

You aren’t a grief monger (unless you start sobbing to everyone about your loss or how close you were when you weren’t). As someone said it’s empathy, nothing to be ashamed of

Thank you DaisyDreaming
I have only let it out at home
I guess I just get so mad when people go on and on mourning celebrities or that, whom they never met
I am sure this will pass soon

Its empathy and nothing to be ashamed of, I find the older I get the more stories like this get to me, I can no longer read reports of things like child murders as they seem to haunt my dreams for weeks at a time.

Tbh I think your reaction is more ‘normal’ than the public grief at the death of a celebrity. Is it empathy, as pp’s said. The loss of children, so many and so traumatic an incident, will have had that effect on more than just you, Op. It’s heartbreaking.

It's a normal reaction OP. I live near Grenfell Tower and felt terrible for months. I can see the remains from my window and often think about the people. Many in the neighbourhood grieved even if they knew none of the occupants.

Are you perhaps not comfortable with death? Death was very normalised in my childhood but child death was taboo and never spoken of. I can’t deal with it. My brain can’t even go there I just fall apart trying to think of it. Can’t watch a lot of films etcbe ause of it. Having children has been slightly torturous because of it. It just seems completely wrong somehow. I don’t know how to express it.

What you're feeling is perfectly normal and yes healthy. It shows you have warmth and compassion and can feel what others feel.
We'd all think you were odd if you said it didn't upset or phase you.
God Bless those poor children and their families.

Thank you everyone for the reassurance.
I am just going to try and let myself feel this grief, without trying to understand it or fight it, and hopefully it will pass sooner

Agree with other comments. Just also wondered, have you had any big life losses...a parent, a friend, a marriage breakdown? I only ask because I find that as I get older and clock up more loss in my own life, sometimes an unrelated event can really set me off. I think as people have said, it is empathy tapped in with any deep emotional stuff you already have going on. Does that make sense?

Be kind to yourself. After the Sandy Hook shooting I woke sobbing for a couple of nights. Luckily my DH understood and held me. I'm in the UK and completely removed from the situation but empathy and horror can have powerful effects. Perhaps doing something practical will help you - has there been a fund set up for the bereaved family or anything?

I live in a different country and saw the headline, and I couldn't even bear to read the story.

It doesn't surprise me at all that someone who lived in the same town would be immensely distressed at what has happened.

As others have said empathy is an admirable emotion. I think the world would be a better place if we had more of it.

OP. Take care of yourself. You have a heart and you feel things. It's not wrong.

I’ve just read the news article and sobbed.

You are clearly a lovely, caring person and it sounds like your local community made them so welcome in their short time there. Be proud to be part of that

Disenfranchised grief. Just as valid as other grief. It will impact you so greatly because of your love for your lil ones. Thoughts to all involved and all affected.

I really appreciate how kind everyone is being.

IPokeBadgers I have actually had quite a few losses recently, 3 in the last month
Perhaps that is part of why it hits so close to home, because I know how bad each of those were, and they weren't even children.

I have donated to the fund, and will be going to the vigil in the square tonight.

There was a house fire here recently where 4 children died and I sobbed my heart out. I didn’t know the family. I just kept picturing my own DC trapped and scared. DH found me and I think I gave him such a fright, this snotty sobbing mess. We sat together for a bit and I poured it all out. I think he probably thought I was bonkers but he was very sympathetic. I haven’t mentioned it to another soul and certainly wouldn’t try to appropriate the grief, “oh god, I’ve got 4 kids that could have been me” on FB for example. I think sometimes terrible things that happen just touch a nerve and we can’t help but imagine how we would feel in those circumstances. It’s empathy, not grief mongering. Be kind to yourself OP.