Staying with Granny and needing a vent

[chazm84]

My DD (two on Sunday) and I are staying with my mum in NZ for 2 & 1/2weeks due to wedding travel. I'm a bridesmaid and needed to be here earlier rather than just flying in for the wedding
I am very grateful to her for housing us and baby-sitting the weekend of the wedding. I've made sure to contribute to/purchase groceries and have been helping out around the house with things she finds harder (up high or requiring more strength) and generally helping her get back on top of things as housekeeping has never been her forte.
But I'm really struggling with parenting around her. She has non-existent very lax boundaries which has left me with long term anxiety growing up that way. My hubby and I have a firm but loving approach that has seen DD really thrive. But now we are here I feel like granny is undermining me and it's resulting in heaps of tantrums with DD as she doesn't know what her boundaries are.
On granny's watch she eats terribly, her naps aren't taken, and I'm pretty sure her teeth aren't brushed. Which makes it doubly hard for me to get her to eat veges/not junk, nap (she still needs them) brush teeth without a full on war and go to bed with out screaming (we usually have lots of call outs and extra pats, teddies in the bed etc but not screaming).
And to compound things my mum does not handle confrontation well. So if I ask for it to be a certain way for DD to keep her feeling secure she sees it as a critique and completely shuts down. She has always been like this so it's not new.
Arrgghhh- it's doing my head in and we're not even half way!!
Please tell me other people struggle with their parents/ in-laws on this????

Well, you’re there now and it doesn’t sound like you have much choice but to stay there and leave DD with your DM for the wedding weekend. Once you accept that, it’ll get less stressful.

Rubbish food won’t matter for a couple of weeks.

Missing naps and going to bed early for a couple of weeks won’t be too difficult to undo when you get back (assuming you’re in Australia - if you live in the UK I imagine your DD’s schedule is totally buggered anyway).

Teeth brushing: do what you can, as frequently as you can. Nothing will happen to her teeth if they only get brushed 10 times per week rather than 14.

Just lay in very, very thick about how lucky DD is to have a granny who lets her get away with murder; that this is a treat; that it’ll be back to normal when you get home; make the most of it, blah blah blah. At this age, she’ll understand. Don’t worry that permanent damage is being done.

As for not getting enough sleep yourself....well, that’s life with a toddler on a holiday to NZ where mum is a bridesmaid. You’ll look back at how tired you look in the photos and ask yourself wtf you were thinking!!

Have fun at the wedding!

Yup I hear you, and accepted it I have. Just with no let-up and constant vocal judgement of how I handle anything child related it's getting a bit exhausting and I needed to let it out in a place where it wouldn't hurt Mums feelings, or upset DD. Feeling really isolated as well just now as I don't want to talk about it with closest friends as we're all focused on the wedding and I'm in a different town so can't meet up with any of my friends-with-kids.
Appreciate the harden up speech though, tomorrow I will put on my big girl pants and just get on with it.

She’s only 2, a few days of difference won’t harm her. Most kids are flexible, it will be ok.

My dd acted this way at 2 when we visited my mother for a month (different country) I was beside myself thinking I'd lost my lovely compliant easy going daughter. She took a week or so to get back to normal once we were back home. But on holiday she was up till all hours, eating rubbish napped when she'd collapse from tiredness etc. My mother had a blast and so did Dd. Dd can even remember some of the things they did, back then.

Agree with pp. none of this matters over the long term and presumably you are normally far from your mum and this is a rare chance for her to be with DD and be on her own turf.

I realise you are not getting much of a break but you have a toddler and you are in NZ so massively jet lagged. It was never going to be any sort of break.

Vent here, as you have done

My mum is like this and she lives much much closer than NZ.
I drop mine off so I don’t have to witness it, and so I’m not there to be undermined.
Ditto with the confrontation. The one time I brought up a grievance she stomped out of my house and sat in the car 🙄

It will be fine, you can survive this! Can you get out of the house and go sight seeing in the run up to the wedding?
I hope you have a lovely time.

Hang in there OP! I think that staying in anyone's house for 2 and a half weeks with a 2yo is hard, whether it's your mum or PILs or friend or whatever!

I can relate a little. My MIL lives abroad and I feel I just have to let go of control when we visit. It's a different culture there so everything happens later. At home (UK) I like my kids to be asleep by 8pm at the latest. When we visit my MIL the kids are usually still awake at 10pm, sometimes 11pm.they also eat so much sugar when they're there! Sugar and bedtimes are the only 2 things I'm strict about. Oh well. Rather than turning it in to a huge battle I just try and relax. I know a couple of weeks of relaxed rules won't harm them.

What do you mean on Granny’s watch? Where are you?
Personally I would try and carry on with your usual parenting style, not getting into any arguments with your mum and showing DD consistency.

I agree with everyone else, just don't worry about it! None of it matters in the long term, not the naps or the food or the teeth.

When you get home you night have a few days of tantrums as she settles back to the old routine, but as long as you're consistent at home it will be fine. Children are remarkably good at coping with one routine/set if rules in one place/with one person and another routine/set of rules in another place/with another person.

Thanks guys, perspective helps 😊
And on granny's watch means when I've had to go for dress fittings/wedding chores etc.
I'm trying to relax and let them both have some fun. The vent definitely helped though!