How to handle my own mother??

[pindi123]

Hi
My mother is not the easiest person to get along with and fell out with her own family and all of my dads from me and my brother being very young. As we have grown up she has gained strong bonds with her grandchildren and has had a amicable relationship with my husband. She is very unpredictable as to how she is going to be whenever we meet up and often just tells people what she thinks.
My youngest son who is 12 years old came home yesterday from being with her and told me in confidence that he had overheard her talking to a friend when they were sat having a coffee about my husband and calling him a dickhead. This was not appropriate in front of my son and not nice for him to hear family members badmouthing his dad and I really feel as though she has overstepped the mark. I do want to confront her about this but last time I said something to her a few years ago she went absolutely ballistic and didn't speak to me for weeks. If I don't speak to her my hubbie will find out and then it will make matters worse. I feel as though I make allowances for her and let her get away with saying things as 'its just her way'.
If my husband found out what she had said he would be upset and angry and probably wouldn't see her again. This would cause great strain on our relationship but again this is probably what she wants.
I feel so stressed with it all and don't know what to do.

But it is a big deal.. she badmouthed your DCs dad /your DH infront of your child who heard and was worried enough to tell you. Was she drunk?

I would worry less about her reaction to being caught out and more about your DH and DS's feelings. Tell her off and tell your DH. Or decide with DH how you deal with it.

Just because she's your mum doesn't mean you have to accept her behaviour. If you've said something previously to her and she's not spoken to you afterwards then IMO she's acting like a child. You're both adults if you have a problem you should be able to go to her and whether she likes it or not this is your husband and the father of your child.
I get that she might not have known your son could hear but maybe suggest next time she wants to badmouth people make sure there aren't any children around.. or better yet get her to keep her opinions to herself!
Everyone says things they regret it's just a shame your son has had to hear it.

She HAS overstepped the mark.

If you read your OP you are all tied up thinking about your mother. She has got you focussing on the wrong people here!

It's your DS and your DH who should be concerning you, as they are the ones it affects. If your DH goes mad and doesn't want to see your mum, you couldn't blame him, could you?!

Difficult people that you have dysfunctional relationships with, esp in families, take up hugely disproportionate amounts of headspace. But it is not easy to untangle. I believe there is a long-running MN thread called something like 'But we took you to stately homes!' about just this. Worth a look?

In the meantime, please focus on your DS and DH. Your DS has been harmed by hearing this. You need to ensure no further harm by 'allowing' it to happen without being tackled. I think you have to let your DH know and ask him how he wants to proceed, and back him up. Make sure your DS is aware of this. Don't let this poisonous remark cause damage within your own family by 'permitting' it to happen unchallenged.

How your mum reacts to you tackling it is entirely her choice. Of course a reasonable person would be hugely apologetic and wish to make amends. I'm guessing she won't. But that's the bit she is in charge of. You're in charge of putting your DS and DH's feelings first and acting accordingly.