I am unable to cope with change

[Dealupwith]

Just that really. This isn't a new thing. Moving house - emotional torture.

Roumoured in work that there is to be a huge restructure and it's recently been confirmed by managerial. 99% of staff are to move department or take redundancy. I am staying. I've been there for most a decade, so have majority of the others. It takes me a long, long time to settle. The office feels like family.

It's hit me again. I feel heartbroken. It feels like grief. I've always struggled with change but in adulthood it feels unbearable. It's triggered my anxiety. I know I'll get over it. I know it'll hurt like hell but life goes on. I know all that.

Fuck. Why can't I deal with it?

You say you don't manage but in the end after all the storm and turmoil has passed what's left? The house move it's torture but are the difficult feelings permanent? Does the dust settle?

Eventually yes. I take a long, long time to settle. But after the storm, I do settle again and the feelings do pass.

I sometimes suspect I am autistic. Not sure if there's a link.

I just feel so upset that a huge change is on the horizon.

I'm the same with change, despite not being autistic as far as I know (and I wouldn't suspect that, really).

For me, I think it comes from having a somewhat insecure and unstable start in life, so security and stability is what I try to cling to, and my stress tolerance is pitiful. I really haven't found a cure. I just try to plan the hell about of any possible option, so I can pretend I'll have some control.

Good luck!

Oh me too. It is horrible isn't it. I agree that stability makes me feel safe. My lovely neighbours who are great friends announced at Christmas that they were thinking of moving. Honestly I felt bereft and woke up every day feeling sick. They have decided to stay now as my neighbours wife said she was feeling ill at the thought so decided to knock it on the head. I literally cried when she told me. So you are not alone.

I would (and do!) react same to you more regards to your neighbour potentially moving. I get so cross at myself for having such strong and irrational feelings towards situations.

I also thrive from planning things. Routines and knowing what's coming really makes all the difference.

I hate being this way!

I understand. Recently at work we went through what for most people would be a minor change. It affected my routines and I can say it has taken me a few months to accept it and get used to it. I feel really silly but I can't help it!

Same Andhow

I hide it from everyone other than DH. I seem to keep it together then have breakdowns behind closed doors about it.

But you do cope, it's in your own time and eventually passes. Maybe give yourself more credit

My middle child isn't great with change either. We concentrate on pointing out the things which are the same (of which there will be many in your restructure). Allowing him to get gradually used to the changes.

Have you ever had counselling/psychotherapy to explore it? It might help you to discover where these feelings come from; if they are related to past events from your childhood for example then you might be able to move on and feel better able to cope with changes now in your adult life.

I don't like change either and then to worry about new things, I always expect the worst to happen... (i.e. if my neighbours moved away, the new ones moving in would probably be awfully noisy and make life misery for me - that sort of worries)

Yes I suppose I do cope with it in the long run, but I find the transition of going through change really, really difficult.

Never though of counselling to explore it. I don't have the time nor the money at the moment!

Language really matters. I do cope in the long run not I do not cope at all. Thoughts grow into habits

To some extent (and I totally see that for you it's at the top of the scale) as humans we don't like change, especially when it comes from outside us. I can condense most books on change management into this for you if you like: break it down into tiny parts and focus on the parts that are within your control

I am not minimising how hard this is, at all. But if you can find some ways to comfort yourself it should take some of the pain out of it. So, if you are going to miss familiar people, maybe think about how you can arrange to still see them, because that gives you some control back? If you are going to find learning new processes difficult, think about what self-care things you can book in for yourself around those times so you're prepared I.e. that week is going to be a shocker, I'll set up dinner with a mate / a Skype call with someone / a massage or whatever would help you.

And YY to the person who talked about reframing how you describe your ability to cope - using positive words will remind you that you have overcome this before and you are stronger than you think.