A question about OLD

[why100000]

I have only recently joined a site - well a month and a half I joined some, but asked for my money back as for lots of reasons it was pretty shit.

This is my second attempt at OLD, I was going to give it a month, and I have today (unexpectedly!) been messaging someone - both this morning and this afternoon.

I have now completely run out of things to talk about - we’ve done our jobs, where we live, talking about OLD, briefly discussing the similarities in our profiles and erm that’s it.

I could ask more questions but it would start to feel even more like an interview - is this is a sign that we are probably not suited - should I just politely drop it?

What would you talk about in real life? What are you curious about him?

Or if you like him so far, I’d personally meet him. I prefer face to face for judging if I like someone

Get away from the factual stuff. What interests do you share?

Are you interested in politics? Some might say to avoid it at first but if it's a deal breaker for you then you might as well ask. Brexit? Could you date a UKIP supporter, Tommy Robinson type etc?

I'd say drop it. It should be a naturally flowing chat not an interview. The things in common should spark some chat.

When I did OLD (admittedly almost 10 years ago) I always would rather meet up after a message or two. I don't believe you can guage someone until you meet them in real life.

Ask to meet him if you like what you've heard! Nothing too much, just say "fancy a coffee on Tuesday?" if he's not free, the ball is in his court to arrange another date.

YOu need to meet people in real life. You obviously get clues in to people's level of intelligence, what they consider important, what they're looking for etc on line but you need to meet somebody in real life to see if there is conversational chemistry, actual chemistry.

One man I nearly didn't meet because his messages were a bit short and to the point, when I met him he had the nicest warmest smile and we got each other I felt (but he didn't want to continue seeing me!) so anyway, I think you need to meet somebody before you can judge if you get on.

Also, on line, I've discussed various subjects with men and ended up saying ''oh I'll tell you more when I see you'' but then when we met the conversation went in an entirely different direction.

Thanks.

I am not sure if we share actual interests - it was more the tone of our profiles which is really similar. He seems to work all the time.

After a traumatic divorce, with three dc and working full time I don’t know what my interests are any more either. I think I just have baggage.

Definitely not into Brexit though and that would be a deal breaker .

He seems to be into making friends which I am too, but even friends have to find it easy to chat.

And how do you chat to an unreal online presence - it’s all fake in a way.

Plus I am having to battle feelings of sadness about my ex as even getting this far has made me feel that I am being disloyal to him and putting the nail in the coffin for us.

Which is a joke really as he was seeing someone new within seconds of us separating, and while we were still in the same house.

I think I just have too much baggage.

I had had some really shitty OLD experiences, so was VERY guarded and wary and must have scared off a fair few. DP said it was like being quizzed by the gestapo when we first started exchanging messages, lol!

Then we swapped phone numbers and conversation just flowed naturally. I would do that first OP before meeting him to save yourself the effort/expense if he's a disappointment. I think you can tell a lot over the phone.

For some reason speaking on the phone seems scarier than meeting up.

Shall I just message him and ask him if he does want to meet for coffee? Messaging now to talk about random stuff without knowing him seems weirder than just asking if he wants to meet up?

A brief coffee won’t kill either of us if we don’t fancy each other at all?

Or is there some rule and should I see if he asks me ?

But the ball is in my court message wise and the only thing I can think of saying is does he want to meet.

That was meant to be a face not a .

Message him! Coffee only needs to be an hour or so and you'll know so much more afterwards.

Okay, I have asked .

Watch this space...

Okay so we are going to meet up for coffee next weekend.

I have a feeling there is going to be zero chemistry but hey ho. Feels surreal.

Oooh, exciting! That was a speedy reply! Maybe you'll meet up and there'll be no chemistry, but maybe.... just maybe...!!

OLD is a numbers game. Cast your net wide. Exchange a few emails and set up coffee. Coffee is usually an hour so not a biģ commitment (and time it's terrible, it can be legitimately half an hour). Set up multiple first dates. See what sticks and makes it to a second date.

When I was doing it seriously , I'd have two or three first dates per weekend. Keeps the pressure off. A bit like going to a job interview and having other interviews lined up.

You can't really get a feel for people online. Use it as an intro service.

Good luck.

I had second thoughts overnight - I don’t think I am over my ex and want to date. Not sure if I ever will.

So I messaged my coffee person to politely say and explain.

It turns out he is married but his marriage is dead - he is still living in the family home with his wife and kids. Apparently his wife knows the marriage is dead.

So WTAF.

So much better on my own.

That’s a bit naughty of him to only mention this at this stage. It may not bother some people but it clearly bothers you. Best off waiting for the right one

Thank you .

I gave him a bit of a talking to , because who knows how painful all this might be for his wife and surely you should split properly before testing the waters elsewhere ?

And I wouldn’t even message someone who was living with a partner - dead marriage or not.

He said I was right and that he would delete his account, but who knows - he has probably just deleted me.

But I don’t care - I am free, and my freedom is worth more than any relationship. I have beautiful dc and I am alive - I actually don’t think I want/need a man.

So all’s good .