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Original poster

Daughter is fed up being told to drink alcohol.

23 replies

jadyy · 15/02/2019 19:16

Dd 19 has never drunk any alcohol in her life. She isn't against it or anything, she just doesn't like the smell of it and has been put off drinking by seeing her dad become a very nasty person when drunk and is scared she'll become like that herself if she becomes drunk. She also doesn't like the thought of becoming drunk, having a hangover and she's just overly scared of alcohol.

She's naturally a very funny and has a crazy personality so all her mates are desperate to see what she would be like drunk, and this has been going on since she was 15. When at parties her friends will bug her about drinking, she's very stubborn, there's nothing that'll change her mind. She's going away for a uni trip in April to Poland, all her friends are saying the aim of the holiday is to get her drunk, she just laughs it off at the moment but it's getting on her nerves, she can't even be bothered to go anymore. They all know she won't drink, and she has her reasons, but it's getting irritating to her. Even middle aged adults will bug at her about drinking!

She's doesn't like being a 'little rude' so they get the idea that she just won't drink, she doesn't want to go to deep into her reasons so will usually say 'I just don't like it' but it doesn't seem to be enough for most.

Any good enough reasons you could suggest to make them stop trying to get her drunk? And non drinkers, does it ever stop? She's getting so fed up about it!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2019 19:18

She'll have to learn to toughen up and make sure they know that No means No.

There's no other possible way really, is there?

They sound like an immature bunch though

nocoolnamesleft · 15/02/2019 19:22

It's fucking annoying when people will not believe that you don't drink alcohol. As a student, I found the only way to still have any social life was to volunteer as designated driver...

MissMilly88 · 15/02/2019 19:24

I went through the same, I've always hated the taste! Now I'm 30 people I spend time with tend to understand and be good about it. Unfortunately there's so much peer pressure when you're younger. Hopefully she can surround herself with some like minded friends too, if she had some allies perhaps it would make it easier? I didn't bow to peer pressure and it definitely helped me work out who were real friends and who were superficial friends. Tell her to be true to herself and that it does get easier :)

LuckyAmy1986 · 15/02/2019 19:25

If she doesn’t want to be firm with them and wants an excuse how about saying she is allergic? Obviously honesty is the best policy but if she’s finding the peer pressure hard that might be an out. Plus it might deter them from spiking her drink or something (not saying they would, but it’s something I’d be concerned about if they were that keen to see her drunk)

ScreamingValenta · 15/02/2019 19:25

Has she tried saying it's 'for personal reasons'? Most reasonable people would take that as an instruction to back off from a situation.

Tavannach · 15/02/2019 19:26

Do they know why she doesn't drink? I have a friend from uni who doesn't drink for the same reason and no-one pressurised him to drink.

HJWT · 15/02/2019 19:27

Nothing will work, all of my friends were the same... always said how I was SO boring because I didn't want to go round town and get drunk! In the end I just stopped speaking to them, were all mums now but they all still go out on the piss regularly...

pennycarbonara · 15/02/2019 19:29

They sound like an immature bunch though

Yes. That is really out of order, some of the stuff they are saying.
As a non drinker for part of uni I did get some of this crap but her mates sound worse. It sounds like the sort of thing you'd get from a rugby team.

Just goes to show that these reports about how many young people don't drink now aren't representative of all peer groups.

She needs to be stubborn AF. It is really annoying at the time but later she might start to appreciate the character building side of it. And you do get used to it as a sort of background noise. It is like when people you don't really know ask how you are, and you're not feeling very good, but obviously you're not going to tell them everything. Or like being asked for ID when you go into a club, no one likes it, it's just something that has to be put up with if you've chosen that environment.

Are there any good friends she can get onside by telling her about her reasons for this, people who'll back her up and tell acquaintances to leave it?

She needs to formulate more ideas for conversation and subject-changers that this crowd will be interested in. But that won't stop it totally.

But if it's anything like it used to be there is a certain amount of this crap to put up with until people start getting a bit less obsessed with it and more reasonable in their late 20s. Or she hangs out with a different crowd who are not as into drink and/or drugs.

Asta19 · 15/02/2019 19:32

My DS, now 29, has never touched a drop of alcohol. I think once she is out of the teen years it will calm down. I like a nice glass of red, in fact I'm drinking one now! But fully respect that it's his choice. If I'm going to be 100% honest, yes it has crossed my mind to wonder what he'd be like if he was tipsy (not roaring drunk!). But I would never disrespect him enough to try and push him into having a drink. I think there is a bit of natural curiosity there without it being necessarily malicious in any way. But really she just needs to stand firm and say "no thanks". She doesn't need to explain or justify herself. I think she should just say no thanks, and if anyone tries to push it just say assertively "I said no, now lets enjoy our evening". And leave it at that.

ReaganSomerset · 15/02/2019 19:33

I think she needs to say, very seriously and politely, that she doesn't drink and wants them to respect that. If anyone carries on, she should just look at them directly and say 'that's rather rude of you. Please drop the subject. I have my reasons and I'd rather not share them.' Failing that, she can tell them that the conversation is upsetting her and she'd like to stop talking about it. Asserting oneself is not rude.

IME uni students pride themselves on being 'woke' and any suggestion that they're being deliberately disrespectful/rude/unkind should make them back off.

MitziK · 15/02/2019 19:33

They're university students. I'm sure they could handle a 'Fuck off' or two to help them get the idea. I wouldn't blame her for cancelling the trip, either, as it sounds like sh'es going to be surrounded by largely incapable pissheads for the majority of it - I've known people get themselves into a hell of a lot of bother by getting ratarsed in Poland - and it's going to be really stressful not being able to trust the people around her on holiday.

It's all new and exciting for the others to do it - for most, the novelty will wear off eventually, but there could be quite a few unpleasant things happening to some of them in the meantime, whether it's alcohol poisoning, injuries from falling over or something worse.

She doesn't have to give them any explanation other than 'I don't want to'. After all, 'No means No' seems to be pretty obvious when we're talking about cups of tea or sex, they shouldn't have that much difficulty understanding that it also applies to alcohol.

Leeds2 · 15/02/2019 19:40

Her friends don't sound particularly nice to me. They should respect her choices.
I would suggest that you advise her to keep an eye on her (soft) drinks, in case some bright spark thinks it funny to spike them.

pennycarbonara · 15/02/2019 19:42

At 19 I'm guessing she is still in first year so early days with this lot. After a while, assuming she keeps hanging out with them or doing this activity or sport, they will probably start to appreciate having someone like her around to stop them walking in front of cars when blind drunk, leaving their stuff behind and other drunken stupidity. Perhaps not everyone likes the idea of this caretaking role but it does help in the long run when fitting into a group of young drinkers as a non-drinker.
It sounds like she already doesn't have any trouble being a bit loud and wacky which helps too, and that will fit in better than a non-drinker who is quiet and dislikes drunk people.

EatsFartsAndLeaves · 15/02/2019 20:08

I'd be worried someone might try to spike her drink with alcohol. Could she get away with telling them she's allergic to alcohol?

Whocansay · 15/02/2019 20:14

Are they the kind of girls who would think it 'hysterical' to spike her drink? If so, don't let her go on holiday with them.

And you need to let your DD know that being assertive is not being rude. Although, I probably would be rude to this lot. 'No' means 'no'.

tiddlywinkles · 15/02/2019 20:21

I am 24 and have never drank alcohol but, my mother is an alcoholic so, I am literally in the exact same situation as your daughter.

My work is very drink orientated. All the outings revolve around alcohol.

I have been so firm from the start. Some of my colleagues get particularly annoying about alcohol but, I just explain I don't drink once and then say a simple 'no' and disengage until they stop.

DelurkingAJ · 15/02/2019 20:26

They sound like typical immature teenagers who’ll probably grow up massively at uni. In the meantime only worry if they’d find it funny to spike her drink. I know my mates were pretty insensitive at times but we’d never have considered spiking a drink to be a good idea. Assuming they’re ok then she’ll just have to be persistent until she becomes the curiosity.

(It’s not so very different from all the grown ups who refuse to believe that DS1 wouldn’t eat sweets...and then tried to just pop one in his mouth and it offended when he spat it out at them...so maybe some people don’t learn).

GunpowderGelatine · 15/02/2019 21:28

My sympathies with her. I don't drink - no moral/social reason, I just don't like the taste of alcohol therefore wouldn't spend £6 on a drink I'm not gonna enjoy. I have a glass of champagne at a wedding to be polite but that's it. I still however go on nights out and people cannot believe I don't drink or assume it's because I have a "problem" somewhere. I've been called boring a few times 🙄 I just respond I don't need booze to have fun. I still dance to 3am and have a laugh but annoyingly it's not good enough for some people. She will have to get used to saying no I'm afraid!

Racecardriver · 15/02/2019 21:32

I’m not much of a drinker. Sometimes I snap and respond in a flat voice without breaking eye contact ‘My mother was an alcoholic’. Bit mean but it shuts people right up. On one occasion the person kept pushing so I told them it killed her. Thankfully most people are pretty tolerant of non drinking these days.

ReaganSomerset · 15/02/2019 21:50

Following on from Racecardriver, she could also say she's 3 years sober. Or claim religiously-mandated avoidance of alcohol.

Asta19 · 15/02/2019 22:03

My non drinking DS went for a job he wanted in another country and it actually said in all the paperwork they sent him that excessive alcohol use outside of work would be frowned upon! Understandly they stated no alcohol use during work but it was interesting that they extended a level of that to outside working hours. And no it wasn’t a Muslim country either. I say good for her if she doesn’t drink. Just watch for spiking on this trip, as pp’s have said.

pointythings · 15/02/2019 22:10

She needs better friends. Nobody should be pressured into drinking, least of all someone who's experienced alcohol issues in their family. My DD1 is 18 and doesn't drink either - her dad was an alcoholic. Difference is that her friends respect her choices.

TeacupDrama · 15/02/2019 22:20

many people on MN quote the tea video about sexual consent, the same applies to alcohol, tattoos, getting your hair cut, sunbathing topless, it is your choice you can change your mind about it, but nobody forces you to do anything you don't want to , forcing someone to drink alcohol or spiking a drink is really an assault as it is without consent and going on about it is a form of bullying and harassment.

unfortunately your DD is going to need to get tougher no means no whatever the circumstances or the action

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