I don't even know why I'm posting as I don't think there's anything that anyone can do. I guess I don't have many people to talk to in real life and certainly no one I want to let know quite how down I now feel.
As briefly as possible; I'm a single parent with two dds 13 and 11. Eldest has ASD and severe anxiety, youngest has severe anxiety and was assessed as having significant autistic traits, one short of a diagnosis of ASD. Neither are at school but both now have an EHCP that gives them tuition at home. DD 11 is able to engage with this fairly well most of the time, DD13 has long patches when I can't get her to do anything. They are both very isolated, no friends and hate leaving the house. Both have a really strong phobia of insects which makes leaving the house in the summer almost impossible. DD11 sleeps ok but not for long, DD13 has huge issues with sleep and is sometimes awake for 48 hours and then impossible to rouse. DD13 has sensory issues to smell, taste, texture which make eating and cooking tricky. With both girls their issues seemed to start around yr4 in school and then get progressively more difficult. The last year has been awful and I am struggling to manage. The girls have long had a difficult relationship with their dad and chose to stop seeing him altogether last April following some really poor behaviour on his part. At the same time my elderly father had a series of strokes which has meant that my mum, who used to visit often, is now rarely able to visit. We basically are stuck in the house 24/7 with little company.
Last summer I asked the family worker about social services support and she invited a social worker to come with her to our meeting. It was brief and chatty and the following day the social worker rang to see this was a child protection issue. I posted last year about the start of that process as I thought it was clumsily handled. After a meeting it was reduced to a child in need case which has trundles slowly on with little contact and lots of confusion. Three changes of social worker, two child in need meetings that the social worker didn't attend, and a very woolly plan that still doesn't specify what they want me to do.
Two days ago they asked to come and speak to me without the girls present. They have now told me they think the problems are largely down to my parenting and they're concerned that I'm blocking any help. I think this comes from the fact that both girls had bad experiences at CAMH and we pulled out. The eldest still refuses all mental health support, the youngest I found a private therapist which seems to be going well. The social work team have so far suggested family therapy (DD 13 refuses) and CBT work with the girls which would then mean DD11 would have to stop working with her therapist. I have said I don't think that it's viable for those reasons which has been put down as me being obstructive.
At this last meeting they also said that they want the girls to start seeing their dad again. The girls have both been very clear that they don't want this and that they don't feel safe with him. Social worker now says that they believe that that's because I have influenced the girls. I actually tried very hard to encourage a relationship before I realised what had been happening. If the girls change their mind and I don't think they're at any risk then I'm happy for them to rekindle that relationship but social workers are telling me I need to persuade the girls to do it.
At the meeting the social workers said that other autistic children don't struggle in the same way that mine do, so it's my parenting that's at fault. They say I'm blocking all help for the girls but I feel I'm just trying to get the right help that acknowledges their particular needs. They say they want to push the girls out of their comfort zone but won't acknowledge that the girls are already right on the edge of their comfort zone. With my eldest in particular pushing her or making explicit demands causes complete shutdown and withdrawal. The social workers say they have a good understanding of autism but they really don't seem to. They said that if I don't start making all these changes they will start to view it as though I'm creating problems for the girls to satisfy my own needs, like Munchhausen by proxy I guess.
On top of this they keep wanting me to do mediation with my ex, or meetings with him to discuss how to support the girls. I keep telling them that I find him very intimidating, that I'm no longer comfortable being in a room with him, and that having had counselling with him when our marriage was breaking up I know he isn't very honest. They still keep pushing me to do it.
Sorry this is so long. It helps a little to write it down.
I feel beaten by it all. It's a draining life. I worry about the girls, I support them when they're having panic attacks or melt downs, I try to keep them going with their education, I'm constantly looking for new ways to improve things, as well as all the day to day stuff of looking after a family. I don't usually get to bed until 1 , then up again at 7. Friendships have largely disappeared, I can't see me ever having a relationship again.
I want things to change , and I know I need help with that but I don't want to break the girls in the process and that's what it feels like at the moment. And now to find out that they think it's all my fault (they even questioned whether my daughter's asd diagnosis was legitimate), and that they think it's about my mental health is just the last straw. I do feel depressed now. I've had bouts of it in the past and a couple of time needed medication until I've felt better. I'm not hiding that, and I'm back to the gp next week. But they're trying to make out my mental health is somehow at the route of the kids issues.
If anyone has read through all this, thank you. I don't know why I've posted this. I just feel beaten.