Feeling sorry for myself :-(

[DinoGreen]

It’s my birthday today. I’m having a really tough time. My DH is really suffering with his mental health at the moment. He had a bit of a breakdown on Monday and finally at my encouragement went to the doctor on Tuesday where he was put on anti-depressants. He’s started taking them but is still not in a good place and is not happy about the side effects he’s experiencing (foggy head, can’t concentrate, extreme tiredness). I know it’s not his fault but he’s acting in a very self-absorbed way, we literally have talked about nothing else but his mental health every night for the past week. He’s off work but ringing me or texting me at work constantly, needing reassurance, wanting to talk about stopping the medication, alternative therapies etc. In the meantime I’m trying to work full time, look after DS single handedly because DH isn’t up to it, and hold everything together for DH’s sake.

I’m struggling and I just feel childishly today like it’s my birthday and I want to feel spoiled and enjoy myself instead of worrying about DH and DS. He did manage to sort me out a little present and a card but it’s like in his head now he’s done that he can forget it’s my birthday and go back to it being all about him.

Just needed a little rant. 😢

Sending a hug 🤗 sorry to hear of your struggles. (I understand I was working yesterday and spent most of the time sorting out my special needs child and my elderly mother with dementia).

Happy Birthday 🎂

Are you all in a position where you can go home later and say because it is my birthday I thought we could all go out tonight for a family meal?

it doesnt have to be expensive, or treat yourselves to a take away. Or pop into the supermarket and buy yourself a bunch of daffodils.

Thank you Rose. We have had a meal out tonight planned for a while. My friend is babysitting. But DH isn’t sure if he feels up to going. He’s going to see how he feels later, and has said if he doesn’t feel up to it I should still go with my friend who was going to babysit instead. So I have got that to look forward to whatever happens

I just had a little cry in the loos at work and now feeling better and chin up, going to get on with some work.

Aww glad you have that to look forward to. Maybe it would be better to go with your friend as you will be away from your difficult situation for a while and it will help you recharge your batteries and be something for you.
Your friend may be able to offer advice and some support.
Maybe you should contact your GP surgery to see if there is any support out there for you all.

Hope you enjoy your meal 🤗

Thank you 😊 I am meeting a friend for coffee at lunchtime as well, so can have a little vent to her. It helps to just get it all out!

I hope you are doing ok too with supporting your DM and DC. It’s tough!

That's tough. I think those around mental health sufferers often get a raw deal in terms of understanding and support.

He'd probably be mortified if he knew you felt like this, but he's in survival mode and it is all ascot him, for him.

I hope you have a lovely evening out, and as for feeling sorry for yourself, that's a good thing as long as it makes you realise you need to take care of yourself too, not just him. Easier said than done I know.

You're doing a fab job keeping all the plates spinning, but don't worry if some fall, they can always be replaced xx

domton thanks and you’re right he would feel mortified, he has apologised numerous times over the past week for going on about it and not thinking about me. He also said he didn’t mind me telling me friend despite him normally being a very private person because he knows I’ll need some support myself. Like you say he’s just in survival mode.

You’re also totally right that if any of the plates get dropped it doesn’t natter. Thanks, it’s good to be reminded of that.

Looking forward to hearing about your lovely night out, and Happy Birthday 🎉🎊🎂

I would strongly advise him to persist with the medications. People seem to lack commitment in treating their mental health difficulties by quitting the medication so early on. The meds do have side effects, but they wear off after a few days. He needs to be grown up about this. Alternative therapies, by themselves, won't work for all but the extremely mild versions of anxiety.

I can sympathise entirely. My DH also prescribed ADs this week and it feels that all we do (in fact all we have done for the last few months) is talk about him, how he is feeling, how hard he is finding life, work, kids, everything. Meanwhile I carry on.

He's been signed off work for 4 weeks and I have to admit I nearly cried at the prospect of spending all that time with him. I am proud of him for seeking help but my God it's draining being with him at the moment.

Sympathies

Happy Birthday @DinoGreen

I don't have any advice really but I just wanted to say that you sound like a really lovely supportive spouse and I hope things start to get better for you and and your family. It might be better for your DH to stay at home and you have a night with your friend to get away from it all and focus on something other than your DH's mental health for a night.

Thanks for all the lovely comments. ellsbells that’s exactly how I feel! I’m glad I work full time as at least I get a break from him talking about it all the time when I’m there! (Until he phones me for the millionth time.)

ineedaknittedhat I’m trying to convince him to stay on the ADs and I’ve told him they’re not an instant cure and that the side effects will ease. He’s so stubborn though, I don’t know.

To him I am trying to be nothing but supportive!

If he stays on the ADs he will feel 100 times better in a matter of weeks. He needs to give them a proper chance, for your sake.

Happy Birthday!

Can you carve out a bit of time for yourself after work e.g. a drink with colleagues before going home? Or do you have to rush home for DS?

Do you have a friend you can take DS round to tonight just for an hour and have a happy birthday chat and wine?

I hope you've ended up having a good birthday OP.

Hope you enjoyed your meal out? 🤗

@ellsbells and @RoseMartha thanks so much for checking back in on me. DH decided he was up for going out and I think it really did him good to get out of the house where he’s just been moping around all week. We had a lovely meal and he’s feeling more positive this morning. I’m sure there will be more ups and downs to come but at least my birthday wasn’t completely ruined in the end 😊

I hope your DH starts to improve soon ells.

Having been on antidepressants myself, I remember all I could think about was my MH because I'd never felt so low as those days I started the ADs. It took about 6 weeks to stop feeling awful and actually see an improvement in myself but it was worth it after persisting. After that I was back to my old chipper self and could think about other things.

Glad to hear it was a good evening 🤗

Been where you are. Many years ago now, but still remember the loneliness and frustration. Depression is the most selfish illness. People used to say 'just get on with your life'. He WAS - and still is, my life! It's worth hanging in with the medication- they WILL find one that works. Look after yourself- I do hope that you have someone you can lean on. Years on, it sometimes seems that the hard times never happened, but they did, and we got through them. You will too. Keep posting here, there will be folk who understand.