PND? Doing it wrong? Or is this normal?

[Mississippilessly]

I'm not really sure anyone can answer this.
My DS is 5 months. Poor sleeper. I am exhausted - night before last was every hr. I dread nights.
I do nothing but look after him. Sometimes I can put him down for a bit in the day but some days he will cry. He doesn't nap well in his crib so naps are either in the car (I.e. I will just drive and drive for him to nap) or in the sling. Sometimes he sleeps very lightly- today I couldn't even turn the tap on for a glass of water.
I've given up diary as he has suspected CMPA.
We co sleep and my DH sleeps in the spare room. I have no sex drive. We tried once - maybe too early - and it really hurt.
His naps are irregular so I cant organise or commit to much at all just incase it doesn't work. I see mothers at groups all happily going off afterwards with their babies napping in a pram and feel completely cheated. I am doing the bare minimum at home, washing, some light cooking. We manage to get out to the house most days for swimming/baby sensory etc but i'm exhausted by trying to work out timings.
Is this nornal? Is it just this hard? I really thought by this point I would have some sort of semblance of routine or... something.
DS is a delight. He is a very smiley boy, which helps and I get a lot of enjoyment from him. but I dont really have anything else left I dont think.

Hello, I didn’t want to read and run, it sounds really difficult. I am afraid I don’t have any advice, but sleep deprivation is a killer and as I am sure you know will be a major factor in how you feel.

For what it’s worth, I had DD1 in a routine, and it was such a mental load, having to figure out timings for everything we did.
DD2 just eats and sleeps as and went it fits in and I am enjoying maternity leave a lot more this way.

Hopefully someone wiser will be able to help you.

At 5 months there were many days I just stayed in and watched Netflix and napped with a bit of stimulating play in between.

Dd would only nap on me or in the pushchair. Would bring it in during the day to put baby to sleep so I could have a break from holding her.

I would go to a few groups but nothing set in stone and meet up with other mummy friends. I actually get out more now since being back at work than I did when on mat leave.

Don't be hard on yourself. Do what you need to do for your own sanity. Trust me all those other mums at some point have had a mini breakdown or sat in the house wearing pjs all day and just get by.

Cuddle your baby, put a box set on and take a load off. Trust me.... when they start moving and want cbeebies you will wish for the day you could just sit with them and make silly faces....

I have now started hiding certain books so I don't have to read the bloody thing again!

Some babies are harder work than others. My Ds2 was a very unhappy and sleepless baby - though actually a fairly easy toddler, so it isn't set in stone that this will continue! - and having had 3 other dcs, I'm pretty sure it is down to how he was more than parenting.
What you're going through is hard, and it does feel unfair to be missing out. Something that did help me is knowing how few of the other mothers actually have it as easy as it seems - almost all my friends had something to deal with, whether it was a crappy partner, financial worries, birth injury, babies with health issues... Nap problems feel insurmountable at the time, but the good thing is that this will not be forever (even if it feels that way!), this is a temporary blip.

That said - even if he's destined not to be a great sleeper, there is probably more you can do.

• You say he sleeps in the sling and is generally happy - does he actually NEED you to be frantically working out timings, or will he actually roll with some shorter than ideal naps or gaps between feeds? My ds4 is the same age, and has only a very loose routine (and never in the cot), because with others to look after, he has to go with the flow a bit more, and like a pp said, it's a lot less stressful than trying to hit a perfect 4 hour cycle. Or if he does need his naps/feeds, and ends up spending an entire sensory class asleep in the sling or feeding and nappy changing, that's not the end of the world, you can still see the other mums and have a laugh about it, and get out of the house.
• Who suspects the CMPA? If he's EBF it's very uncommon though quite trendy - if he's mixed fed it's slightly more common but still quite rare, based on the limited double blind testing done. I'd suggest talking to a gp or ideally a paediatrician first. If you are excluding dairy, make sure you're excluding soy too, and that you have also done a proper challenge to check that drinking a milkshake really causes major issues - otherwise you are taking a major source of calcium out of both your diets, and adding more work and stress to your life, for little to no benefit
• find something that is just for you, and work with your partner to make it happen. Maybe that's a bath alone in the evening, or going for a run in the morning, or seeing friends on the weekend for brunch while he has an expressed bottle
• If your dh can't help with any of those things, then he's part of the problem! With my DH and first baby it was hard as the baby and I were such a pair and neither DH or I liked him crying - but eventually I had to go out for 4 hours to help my best friend find a wedding dress and it was really good for all of us, my ds eventually accepted some exrpessed milk, he cried but DH learnt how to rock him to sleep, and from then on I felt less tied to the house and less trapped

Also, if you are feeling down then do go to your GP. Medication can really help, or if you don't feel that down but want some support, many areas have perinatal mental health groups where you can talk to other stressed mums and to professionals to get some support and to feel less alone

• Last one! Sleep training is controversial but can really help if it's going to save your sanity. We've used the No Cry Sleep Solution with all ours, and it worked really well with three, but Ds2 eventually needed a bit of crying it out, or I would have gone mad. I'd try the No Cry book if you haven't, it's supportive of cosleeping too, and if you can, then wait longer - but if not, a few nights with some tears is going to be better than a miserable mum

Good luck and it really does get easier! You're doing a great job 😊

I was in your position this time last year so couldn't read and run.

Firstly ignore the (probably well meaning) CMPA is trendy comment, utter bullshit and you know if something isn't quite right and if things have improved with dietary changes. I agree with cutting soya out too though, my son was worse with soya than CMP but you should be referred to peads for a review and time with a dietician to ensure your both getting what you need nutritionally - if you haven't already. I would also if you have the patients or reserve try and get him napping in a cot as a priority.

Motherhood is bloody bloody tough, hard going, relentless, mind numbing at times, all encompassing especially with a baby that requires alot of input and I truly think it's hard to understand this unless you've been there and experienced it day in day out. At 5months there was no flexibility with my son at all, couldn't 'tweak' naps or just make him fit in with what I wanted to do, didn't sleep well overnight the list goes on and I too wondered what I was doing wrong? is this what life is now? What am I missing? Am I depressed or am I just not cut out for this?!! Then I decided not to worry about classes or timings or how other people's babies were as my LB is how he is, that's him and although what I had in my head of motherhood is nothing like our reality, nothing I did or was doing was going to change that and trying to was just more stressful. I can guarantee you even those with 'easy' babies will have moments of just wanting to scream or cry with frustration or just sheer 'I haven't got a clue what to do'!!

My son is now 17m and from a year onwards things have massively improved, he became more flexible and adaptive and walking has certainly helped. It does improve, it's still hard work but the rewards are more tangible. Your doing your best and that's all you can do, sending solidarity! X

Thanks everyone, the replies have been reassuring. 'Mental load' is exactly how i would describe it. Its knackering.

I dont know if he has CMPA. The nappies arent very nice. My paed appt isnt til late April. He is also being treated for reflux which again I'm not convinced he has bit when I took him off the meds his sleep got much worse so maybe he does.

The 'routine' is killing me because it's still so unpredictable (eg today he woke at 5) but I'm so scared he just doesn't get enough sleep. If I didn't take him out in the sling/take him for drives he would never nap.

I'm just so tired of it.

Late April is a long time to wait!! My son was treated with gaviscon then ranitadine for reflux - CMPI only diagnosed at 12m as I took him off the reflux meds then soya around 6weeks later as he still wasn't right or happy. 'routine' didn't happen for us until between 8-10m and most babies will wax and wane so don't feel your doing anything wrong. It's OK to be exhausted with it all, it's bloody hard. Speak to your HV or GP and talk it through, in my case the HV was lovely and it's their bread and butter, she knew the difference between being knackered & PND as she saw it all the time and was lovely - I did have mild PND which with support very quickly got better but my mum has often said to me she doesn't know how we got through those early days with how my LB was and looking back I don't either, but you do! You will get there & it will get easier I promise.