Bullying or over-sensitive child?

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My DS started year 7 in September and is in a group of 5 friends. 4 of them get on really well generally and there is usually a lot of banter, ribbing and calling each other stupid names etc - standard 12 year old boy stuff. However there is one boy who is very sensitive and although he will join in with making comments and ribbing the others, if the comments are directed at him he can’t handle it and gets very upset. He has sworn and kicked etc. My DS has told me that he doesn’t normally make the comments towards this boy but admits that he does laugh at the comments his friends make.

It’s reached a head tonight with the sensitive boy’s mum coming to our house and having it out with me and DS. She has also spoken to the other boys’ mums on other occasions. She keeps saying that the group are bullying her DS but I really don’t think this is the case. As I’ve said, the other boys have all been subjected to comments from others in the group but they just don’t react in the way her DS does.

I really don’t know what to do about it. I hate the thought that my DS could be bullying the boy but I really don’t think this is the case. I’ve asked him to make sure he is not unkind to this boy and to not join in with the group if they start making comments to this boy. I’ve also suggested to the mum that she gets the boys’ Head of Year to speak to the group. I’m not sure what else to do. I feel sorry for the boy and his mum but I really don’t think it’s my DS’s fault. Any advice?

I don't have any advice but this might be better in the parenting topic rather than babynames.

@Cosmoa 😂 thanks, I really didn’t mean to post it in here! Thought I’d put it in chat!!

Hi OP - we'll move it over for you now!

Hi

Well when my daughter was being 'bullied' the head teacher said to us that what matters is that she feels she is being bullied. And that she was experiencing emotional, physical and mental reactions based on this. He said the problem needed to be tackled for her based on how she was feeling. So this little boy may well feel he is being bullied. We all have different levels of sensitivity.

I'm not saying that the other boys need to be chastised for being bullied, but perhaps they need help to understand how this boy is feeling and what actions/words have caused this?
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I don't think anyone should be labelled as having bullied or being bullies though. It's very hard for a parent to really know what's gone on. Perhaps as this boy does react strongly it encourages the group more as they are getting a response? Not in a mean way, just in a lack of understanding as they don't have the same level of sensitivity. There's not much this poor boy can do regarding how sensitive he is - it's such a shame. But he shouldn't be made to feel like he is over reacting - it conditions him that his emotional responses are wrong. Or that his emotions don't count. All you can do is support the other mum - who must be really worried about her boy. Maybe arrange for a play date for your boy and her at your house? And help your boy to understand that some people feel more sensitive to 'jokes' and 'teasing' than others.

Thanks Always - that’s really helpful advice and I appreciate it. I gave the boy’s mum a hug earlier as she was so upset and I know how I would feel if it was my DS. I’ve also had a long chat with DS about it all. I think you are right that the boys are reacting to the strong response they get from the sensitive boy and I think they have yet to learn appropriate boundaries. I’m hoping they can all work it out.

Sounds difficult OP- however did the other boy's mother say she was aware her son makes the comments and behaviours that upset him towards the rest?

@gogogadgetgin - that’s where the conversation got a bit tricky! She claims that her son doesn’t make comments to the others but my DS and the other friends have said he does.

Maybe they all need to knock the name calling and 'banter' on the head. Sensitive or not, somebody is being hurt by it. If they know somebody is being hurt and they carry on then yes it is bullying.

Hugs for you also.

You'll probably never get to the bottom of if the other boy says stuff too.

It's strange that some people can have huge sensitivity with their own emotions and lack of sensitivity to others at the same time. Perhaps it's a case of that? Or perhaps this boy feels he needs to verbally defend or protect himself by lashing out and does it in this way. But the kicking I think you mentioned is not OK.

I'm not sure you or the other mum's will be able to totally figure it out. You might hear some interaction if you had a group outing with the boys all together? That would be a good way to figure it all out a bit more. I figured out that a friends of my daughter's liked to stir things up a bit by doing that! I always wondered why my daughter had reactions and outbursts that were totally out of character only in the company of this particular girl.

I think Always’s point is an important one — there is no non-subjective criterion for what exactly constitutes bullying. ‘Normal banter’ to one person is self-esteem-sapping torment to another.

I think the formula ‘X experiences Y as a bully/bullying’ is useful in this kind of situation.

But if X is also doing Y to others?

@bollockstobrexit - I really don’t think that’s going to happen - it’s all fairly normal nearly teen behaviour. I don’t think it’s up to the other 4 to have to modify their behaviour to suit 1. However I have asked my DS to stop directing any comments towards the boy in question and just keep them to the others in the group who enjoy engaging in friendly banter.

Thanks again Always - I’m fairly sure the boy does say stuff as all the others have mentioned that he does. I often give the group lifts back from after school clubs and I hear them talking.