New mum and feel like I'm failing

[Mindsblank]

I have a 4 week old baby after trying for several years to conceive and numerous ivf cycles.
I never realised how hard looking after a newborn was! I'm bf so he wakes every 2 hours at night until 4ish then he's part asleep so constantly whimpering which means I don't get anymore sleep.
All day he won't allow me to put him down so I literally spend my day sat in the sofa breastfeeding or just cuddling him. If I try abs put him down to get a cup of tea of some lunch then he screams and I hate it so I've been going without!

The thing is I'm so tired and feel like I'm failing, I don't even have time to clean anymore.

How do others cope?

You're doing a fabulous job, and you will soon become less anxious and more confident. Honestly in a few months time you'll look back on this and you'll be so proud of how far you've come and how much you have learnt. Unfortunately it all comes with experience. But you will get there don't worry.

Cleaning can be done little and often, and if you have any visitors it is not rude to ask them for a little help. A load of laundry and the washing up is more than enough in the early days.

Congratulations and again, you are doing a really amazing job

Sounds totally normal to me. Google the fourth trimester. Just keep going!
Do you have some support? Family or friends to make you a cuppa or take him for a walk so you can shower or sleep?
It is hard but you’ll get through it. Cleaning can wait or be done by someone else. Your sole job is to care for that baby and yourself - nothing else. You’re doing a brilliant job

you cope by the baby getting older and needing you less. For the first few months with newborns my house is always a shit tip.

Then they get bigger and will nap in their cots and you miss the sleepy snuggles all day!

Cleaning is far less important than feeding yourself, especially if you're bf. You'll get better at eating one-handed, baby will get more accepting of not being on you all the time, nobody will die if the hoovering isn't done. It does get easier!

Congratulations, and don't beat yourself up about what you think you should be doing
The reality of having a baby comes as a huge shock, no matter how much the baby is wanted and loved. Be kind to yourself, you have been through an enormous hormonal and physical experience, we're not prepared for how long it takes to feel ourselves again. Embrace the opportunity to sit and cuddle your baby, it goes by so quickly, and the housework will still be there once you and baby have settled into a routine.

As for eating and drinking, is there anyway of prepping food and a flask of drink at the beginning of the day, and having it by you, if you can't get up? Equally, little harm will come to your baby if left to whimper for a while, while you have something to eat or drink. It's important to stay hydrated and fed yourself. You'll soon get into your rhythm.

Day time: Do you have a sling? Takes a bit of practice to get used to putting it on but you'd be able to walk about and get on with things whilst your baby is snuggled in and probably sleeping it in. I got one from Ebay for £10.
Night time: Have you tried white noise? You don't need to buy one of those toys if you don't want to. There are plenty of apps to download onto your phone.
I swaddled baby at 4 weeks. Seemed to keep her feeling secure.

You are not failing - you are adjusting! x

Congratulations in your new baby!
You are definitely not failing. Looking after a newborn can be hard work. I agree with what others have said, feeding & looking after your baby is your only job for the first couple of months. But, especially as you're breastfeeding, you need to eat well. Do you have a partner? If so, get them to make a couple of sandwiches before they leave the house in the morning, cut them up on a plate (so you can eat one handed) and leave in the fridge. Boiled & peeled eggs in fridge also great quick filling snack if you like them. I always had big bottle of water and box of muesli bars next to couch .
Do you have a sling? Maybe worth a try so baby is on you but you have hands free.
It won't last forever. And I now miss those newborn snuggles.

Try using a hot water bottle to warm moses basket/carry cot when baby isn't in it then take out hot water bottle and put baby in. Also you can try putting a top of yours in it (that you've been wearing) - wrap it securely around the base mattress so that the baby can't get it loose. It is supposed to help them as it smells of you.

It is quite normal to feel trapped when BF a small baby. I used to have to use both hands in the early days and so would sit there unable to do anything else until the baby had finished. Sometimes with my lunch just out of reach.

Also, if you have a very sucky baby you can delatch them - babies love to sleep while still latched. You ought to be able to hear whether they are swallowing and therefore feeding or not. Learn how to unlatch the the baby if you don't know how to do it (hopefully there is a BF advice service near you - ask the Health Visitor).

Is there anyone who can come and help by holding the baby/take it out for a walk in the pram for a bit, give you time to have a sleep?
And definitely try a sling - that was a lifesaver for me - I was able to do so much once I was using one.

And try swaddling if you haven't - babies love to feel secure.

You've already had some very helpful replies, I just wanted to say that I felt very similarly to you. I am the sort of person who likes being efficient and "doing" - I found it incredibly stressful being pinned down by an almost constantly BF baby and seeing literally hours slipping by without eating, weeing (no need seeing I didn't manage drinks as I should) and particularly jobs going undone day after day. I felt totally removed from the old "can-do" me, I felt I'd never get my life back, it was hard!! I also struggled to get out of the house after a EMCS, and Dc was tongue tied and fed for over 14 hours a day for the first 9 weeks / it can be overwhelming.

You are NOT failing. You are looking after the baby and right now that means a lot of feeds and cuddles - housework and stuff will always be there (alas). But before you know it, your baby will be bigger, will be able to go on a mat to play etc and will feed less and it won't be so intense and demanding.

To reiterate advice from others, some things to help:

Sling (the old Mumsnet favourite) - I couldn't get along with them with my first but was a godsend with baby 2 when juggling newborn and a toddler

Thermos flask - get your DH to make you a hot drink in a thermos mug

Packed lunch / nibbles and Bottles of water etc dotted around wherever you feed so you don't go without.

Wash in the evening (or whenever) your partner is home.

Acceptance: so hard when it's your first, but accept this is what needs to be done for now but also know it's surprisingly temporary

Take any help you can!

Four weeks is not long to come to terms with this monumental change in your life, your body is still healing, be kind to yourself. Good luck and congratulations

Ugh this brings back memories. You've had some very good advice. The only thing I can add is get a phone calender or something and count down the days until 3 months or so. That's when mine started to tolerate being put in a bouncy seat long enough for me to get something to drink.

I also meant to say, sleep deprivation distorts everything. Once DC1 started sleeping more I felt like a drunk person who'd sobered up. I saw things totally differently and could cope with everything better and was a MUCH nicer person

Congratulations! The first few weeks are about survival only so try not to put pressure on yourself over the cleaning etc. My DD is 4 months and we're just coming out the other side of this - I can put her down in her bouncer for short periods of time now and even down in her cot for the occasional nap! Enjoy the snuggles, things will improve over time and I already miss the 2 hour naps we used to have under a blanket on the sofa every afternoon.
You're giving your little one everything they need and that's a massive achievement. Be kind to yourself.

He sounds exactly like my 5 week old (he doesn’t settle past 3am... he’s half asleep but grunts/whimpers from then onwards and I can’t sleep through it. He also won’t let me put him down in the day. The difference is he’s my third, so even though it’s really bloody hard I know it doesn’t last forever. I tell myself that I know it gets better, eventually.

Around the 4 week mark I sat there thinking what the fuck had I done seriously, it was just so intensely shit. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and just fed up. Dd is now 16 and those days seem like a lifetime ago! As the weeks pass and the baby gets bigger things do become easier.

In the meantime, it’s all about suriviving! Do whatever works for you, don’t stress about anything except the baby and make sure you look after yourself - ready meals and lots of snacks to keep your energy levels up.

This too shall pass!

I longed for my son but when he was born it was so tough. I remember looking at other mothers thinking how do you cope because I can't as he wouldn't sleep at all for first 4 weeks but you do get through it. Believe me it does get better . I even went on to have two more !!!

You're doing what all new mums do, you're doing a fantastic job looking after your baby. Mine children are big now but it was exactly the same for me.
I found swaddling either with a muslin cloth, small fleece blanket or a special swaddling thing with Velcro essential. Put it on prior to breast feeding, a muslin cloth or fleece under the baby too. Then you can lift them into a cot or bouncy chair without disturbing them with the blanket under them.
Second invest in a lullaby player or white noise player. Use it when you're cuddling them so they get used to the relaxing sounds, keep it on when you leave them. My husband always thought complete silence didn't help so carrying on around them was reassuring. I agree. My younger son used his Tomy lullaby player for years as a timed night light until it was about 7 years old and ceased up!
Finally I'd suggest a baby swing come chair, about £50 but they seriously are life savers. Try and find a second hand one. Both my kids were great day time nappers in these.
Remember babies can't say I miss you mum so they cry. You must look after yourself. Don't worry about the house. Mine is still messy but I have a happy family ;-). And if you can manage to get to a local play group it will be full of mums who understand. And your baby will be really excited by the other children, and exhausted afterwards! Your health visitor will help you find groups

You're doing just fine.

Slings are great for when you need to get things done.
Bouncy chair for the bathroom when you need to shower/use the loo and if he cries sing to him.
A few minutes crying is absolutely fine. He won't break, and subsequent children everywhere are testament to no long lasting effects!

Have you tried a dummy for the half asleep whimpering hours? Some kids love them, others aren't bothered, but they can be fantastic.

You become a master of doing everything one handed, and of the two minute shower in those early days!