Name changed.
If anyone reads this let alone replies they deserve a medal!
I live in a house by myself, that is too large for me and I cannot afford.
I feel as if I have completely lost myself, but one thing about me that sticks and has made me begin this thread is, I have always been in control of my adult life, and I have always been careful with money.
I moved away to university at 18 and stayed there until my mid thirties. I always wanted to eventually move back to be near my parents, who also live near my sisters. I felt I was missing out on family life.
I am gay. I've always known, but hid it by having relationships with men that I could cope with, while having relations with women* disclaimer, never behind anyone's back-was always clear.
Eventually I met a woman I fell in love with and we began a relationship. I never told my family. I did however make it clear that one day soon I would want to move to be near them.
My partner told me she wanted to come with me, but to not come out to family until she'd formed a good relationship with them and we would both be accepted as a unit.
My family bought a house (4 members together) and told me they'd bought it and it was mine to live in if I wanted. I wasn't sure-it was expensive, I've never paid rent, I'd bought a cheap, almost derelict house some years before with a friend, done it up to a liveable condition and lived in it with friend very cheaply. When I had met partner, she moved in too. It was scruffy, but I was happy there. I worked part time and studied. I had always believed in work smart not hard . I had ambitions I wanted to follow and I had always beleived free time was more important than money.
But, I have always had a strained relationship with my Dad-and it was him who ordered me to come over and see a surprise. The house. Mine if I wanted it. Prior to this I had told family me and my 'friend' (partner) would move over to be near them soon. I also said partners daughter would move in with us. Partners daughter was in state care at the time but coming up to an age where she was able to live with her Mum again. Me and daughter (T) had a great relationship.
Also, in the months running up to it I visited family several times who said that they did not want 'S' (my unbeknown to them partner) around, joining in with things, visiting etc once we moved. I see now they were planning to buy the house but did not want her to be in their lives. I didn't see it at the time having had no idea of their plans. I alwyas responded the same 'Well that will isolate me, me and S do everything together'.
I was too scared to say no to my Dad so we moved some months later. I feel my family were negligent in buying the house for us to rent, based on a number of factors;
-Neither of us had jobs in the county
-Partner did not have valid I.D so was unable to claim benefits.
-Regarding her daughter, nobody mentioned this to my dad who didn't know about her
I feel I was to blame for not being openly gay. I wasnt, because I was afraid I would be disowned. My family had been openly homophobic all my life.
Well, we moved. We struggled to find work. I was still paying the mortgage on my existing house plus rent on he new place.Partner couldn't find work at all, and couldn't claim benefits. I was told that her daughter wasnt allowed to move in and I put my foot down saying that all bar my Dad knew about her, and I didn't know about the house so hadn't thought mentioning her to him to be important. Someone who did know about both, should have told him.
Family were awful with partner when she moved. Disapproved of some of her behaviours (sleeping in late, not keeping the house as nice as they wanted, not doing the garden to their standard). Partner did not behave in a way I felt was good to me either and we began arguing. We'd seldom argued before-I see now that S was deeply unhappy.
S tried to commit suicide some months later. While I was back and forth to the hospital she told me not to tell my family, they already disapproved of her. Fair enough, I feigned she'd accidentally ingested something she was allergic to. In the midst of this I learned of sneering about this, laughing about it , she's lied to us how dare she-basically they all knew she'd tried to overdose BUT rather than be sympathetic, they were affronted she'd dared lie 'to' them.
Once I had dealt with the scenario and knew she would be okay, I was livid and disgusted with them all but was too wrapped up in caring for S to say anything at the time. When I eventually did, I was told I should have said that at the time It's too late to address it now, which find laughable why did they believe that reaction was acceptable?
Someone had almost lost their life, and all they cared about was that she'd lied. It was none of their **ing business. I feel utter disgust toward my family about this. I have also been treated awfully by them since I moved, examples
Dad threatening me over a mistake S made in the garden, Dad shouting at me when I visit if I make a simple mistake such as drop something or do something wrong. Going to a family gathering and being actively blanked by them all.
After 7 months, partner got a job. She was 'demoted' to part time after the company didn't do well, within a couple of weeks. I got a part time job that had a long, fulltime, intense training period. T and S at home. I was stressed and unhappy but glad to be working. I am still working that job part time, and doing my self employed work alongside, which was the plan
Eventually, we argued too much I felt stuck in the middle. Daughter moved in and quickly out, partner moved out and back to my house where we used to live. We split up because I would call her, upset and lonely and would get told to shut up.
S and daughter T no longer speaking.
Now, I'm for the first time living in a place by myself that's too big and I cannot afford, despite the rent being cheap for the area with my being family. I suggested to my family that I get a lodger, but they will only knock £100 off my rent if I do this and I am some £500 overdrawn at the end of every month.
I miss S like crazy but she won't take me back. The period of the last year has been awful and at times I feel I've lost my mind.This causes me intense stress as someone who's always made sure they have enough money and has always been mindful to be careful.
I cannot go back to my own house because S lives in it and we've split up. Also, I spent time and money cultivating this place into being a family home and It's full of furniture (all second hand, mind!) photos, books, all T's stuff, a lot of S's stuff.. Where the F would I put it all??
My own house is much smaller with zero room.
I have equity in that house and could feasibly release it and buy another BUT I cant because my friend who I own it with's credit rating is absolutely dire so my broker says it's impossible.
Also the one thing I have managed to do right is my job I got here, I love it and its my field and I had struggled to find a job like it before.
I am drained from the emotional abuse from S and T, ( I can go into further detail if anyone wants but it was bad!) I am stressed because I wanted to be near family and now I am no even sure I like them any longer, and I cannot afford to live here but can't see a way out. The only option I can think is, I move into lodgings with a friend in my old town , commute and stay with parents while I m working (as mentioned I m part time) and put all our things in storage. I could also kick S out of my house and go back there-again problem of storage and I feel this is all my fault and I do not want to be horrible when she's eventually happy.
AS another spanner in the works, T is trying to get in touch with me and I love her to bits despite all the nasty things that went on toward me, but S isn't speaking to her because of all that, and I dont want to cause more issues. I supported them both through the her being in care thing for 6 years and now Im insolvent, unhappy, lonely and alone. I really don't know what to do next.
My Dad is very unhappy and I feel sorry for my family too-they really thought they were doing a great deed by getting this house.
Not to drip feed, when I was very annoyed with my family I did eventually come out. It turns out that if I had have been out, they wouldn't have done this plan with the house. They didnt know I was in a relationship and they expected us to live separate lives and meet other people and it would be entirely different. So I blame myself for that too. I wasnt open because I had tried before several times and been met with sinister reactions.
However, my parents were the only ones who didn't suspect. I feel one family member at least could have been open about this when discussing this plan , and said 'right is this a good idea, its pretty obvious they might be actually in a relationship' or 'Is it a good idea to do this without telling potatoes maybe we should ask first if she'd want it'. Nobody did though. So I'm stuck in this position.
I know nobody around here apart from family. I am mourning the loss of a relationship, the loss of someone I saw as my daughter, and the loss of the life close to family I hoped for.
WTF do I do. Sorry. That was cathartic though.