Failing as a mother

[Shehz21]

I am feeling utterly desperate. My 1yo has been a dream to wean onto food from about 6 months old until last month. She refuses food off a spoon and even if she allows me to feed her something off the spoon she'll spit it out, inspect it and feed herself again. She is not having any vegetables, whether sautéed, steamed, savoured. She'll have fresh fruits cut up into small pieces but that's about it. I feel so much pressure being a first time mum to get this right for my PFB but right now I'm just sobbing in my room feeling like I'm failing my DD.
I want to do the right things for her but every evening I just end up throwing food I made for her without any salt/with low salt content or picking it up the floor or carpet. I had an accident a couple of months back that really effed my back and shoulder/neck and the fact that most of the time I remain in pain now just makes me feel shit. Just trying to explain why I am maybe being melodramatic about the whole thing. She is a big baby(11.5kg) who is glued to Mummy most of the time and I have to hold her while I even cook sometimes otherwise she'll scream her head off in her playpen. I do all this effort to make healthy meals for her and it all ends up being thrown away and I end up sleeping upset and tired and in pain.
I dnt even know what I'm asking right now. Just need to know that this is not always going to be this way. The simple fact that i cannot get DD to what I'm preparing is getting me so low so I can't imagine what other things are in store for us in thefuture that can drive me crazy..

I suggest you take the pressure right off you. Just give her some of what ever you are having. Giver her a plastic plate and baby cutlery and let her get on with it. I got in the habit of keeping in a pot a natural yoghurt, so anything a bit spicy could be toned down.

Sweep has excellent advice! Take a step back, give her whatever you’re having and just let her crack on!

My DD lived off chunks of fresh fruit, yogurt, toast fingers and baby crackers and milk for the first 2 years. She survived!!!
STOP worrying and give her what you know she will eat. Gradually introduce new things alongside the usual.
If you put pressure on yourself this way you will make yourself miserable.

What she’s doing is perfectly normal. They need to learn to feed themselves and it gets messy. They don’t want someone shovelling food in their mouths. They want to explore what they are eating.
Sensible advice above. Stop cooking separately. Unless you live on takeaways, give her what you’re eating.

She’s also perfectly safe in her playpen. Screaming or not. Give her a plastic bowl, a saucepan, a cardboard box and a wooden spoon to play with.
Stop trying to be perfect. It’s simply not possible. Just be quite good instead and start enjoying having ordinary, average chicken pie to wipe up. I have to say, baby sleeping in spaghetti bolognese photos are much, much cuter than cake smash pictures.

Omg Thank you everyone for your kind replies!
Just brightened up my mood instantly!
Love to read about other people's similar experiences(re sleep issues as well). Makes me feel not so lonely
The pressure WAS indeed KILLING me..
Mumsnet can be a lifesaver sometimes.

Once again thank you ladies!

My 3 year old lives on toast and yoghurts, I can't remember the last time she ate fruit or veg! It's hard not to worry but she will be fine OP, agree with others just give her whatever you're having and take some of the pressure off!

Have you tried the HIPP Organic toddler range (for age 1-3) - you bang them in the microwave for a minute and they are lovely. You don’t have to use them often unlike me but it would give you the odd break from the pressure and stress of throwing away lots of home cooked food.