Why would you stay in a marriage when DH has been cheating for some time?

[Boredathome23]

Not my case, but a friend's husband has been cheating on her for longer than a year and she's still with him. She keeps saying she has a plan B, but has been saying that for almost as long as she's known he's been cheating. On Facebook she often mentions how her DH might have an OW but after all she's the wife. I just simply don't understand her at all.

In a word no! Any woman that does i believe has no self respect or is too scared to go it alone which is a shame really

Some women can somehow overlook cheating in return for being financially secure kids brought up with both parents etc etc personally I know I couldn't but people have different limits

Because divorce and spitting a family harms kids, whereas staying together as long as you aren't arguing and the kids don't know is a better prospect for some.
I'm glad I've never had to make the call.

Because it can take time to accept that level of betrayal by someone you love, because a planned leaving is always better, because the fear of being alone is greater than the hurt of being cheated on...

It’s not as simple to LTB as mumsnet always makes out. There are so many considerations and obstacles - practical, financial, emotional, child - related...

I’d never tolerate an ongoing affair, but think I’d be more forgiving of an ended one or “accident “ than many on here.

I think it's down to cognitive dissonance. If your husband is behaving normally towards you and being nice, but at the same time you know he's seeing someone else, it's very hard, mentally, to reconcile those two things. It can drive you crazy trying to do it.

I can never get my head around it. My dad was repeatedly unfaithful to my mum, and it made me so angry that she was so weak around him. She didn't do my sister and I any favours by staying, in fact she made things harder.

No man will ever walk over me like that, so in some ways I suppose I thank her for her example of who not to be.

Some like the lifestyle the dh provides. The dh earns well and they want to keep the nice comfortable life

Some lack the confidence in themselves to leave

Some appear to love the man no matter what he does

Some it’s fear of the unknown, if you’ve been in a relationship a long time it might be all you know and it’s scary walking away

Really nobody but the person can say why they choose to stay

Some people still believe marriage is for life no matter what.
Some people are under a lot of pressure from family members to stay married for religious reasons.
Some people have more difficulties in their life than ' just ' their husbands infidelities and feel they can only tackle one thing at a time, especially if he is not abusive and the atmosphere at home is ok for children.

There's loads of reasons

For some it comes down to they really like their life, they enjoy their husband's company and the things they do together, the whole family life set-up can be a wonderful way of life and very hard to walk away from.

I'm currently trying to figure out what to do after discovering a (now ended) affair. I imagine that I have friends who are wondering why I haven't just ended it. But it is not that easy, there are so many factors to think about and I need to work out what's best for me and my family. I know it could be managed financially and I know I could be strong enough. I'm not scared to end it and I have plenty of self respect. But that still doesn't mean it's the right thing for any of us. For me it comes down to whether I can get past what's happened and whether I can ever trust him again. And knowing the answer to those two things will take some time. It might not work, but then again it just might. For me it is worth a try.

He's the usual story of "I'll end it" but actually never has. He takes the OW to their home and as far as I'm aware doesn't seem to have any inclination to end it or any real remorse. I've only ever known of two other affairs. One was discovered and was made to leave and another one he willingly left and set home with the OW. They seem happy and much better suited than their ex's. So I know they're not black and white but my friend's husband seems to be having his cake and eating too.

Ok, it's still ongoing. I think I missed that as I was too busy feeling defensive about my own choices/problems. No, he wouldn't still be here and yes I think your friend's husband is having his cake and eating it. Sorry not to have read more carefully.

I can’t help but feel like there’s something lacking in a person who stays; self-respect? Self-esteem? Self-love, maybe.

I think it’s desperately sad.

I love my husband very much but I loved the man who cheated on me, too. It was an utter cluster fuck to walk away from but...why would I stay with someone who would treat me so abominably. It’s not just the sex it’s the lying, the secrecy, not giving one single shit about me while he was humiliating me so much.

Ivana that's exactly how I feel. She's stayed in than marriage for far too long since discovery date. In fact, she talked to him, he assured her he would end it but instead consummated it.

Because things are never back and white, because if they can rub along as friends living in the same house that might be better for DC, because he's violent and she's scared to leave, because she's scared of what she'll do without him, because she's also having a affair and they've reached an agreement, and because she's biding her time to leave in the strongest position....

No one has any idea what's going on in anyone else's life

I think a lot of women think it's better than being a single parent.

I'm not in a situation like that but I kind of get it.

I mean, if they split up, she'll be slogging her guts out as a single parent perhaps with added financial pressures and potentially be lonely, whilst he's still shagging the other woman... splitting up is not necessarily an improvement on the current situation.

For me (I tried to reconcile for months but he didn't change and I stopped trying to fix it all, so he left)

I had a few different things going on:

• conservative religious upbringing that meant I felt divorce was just wrong if there was any chance of making it work

• worried about leaving the children with him. Mainly because he didn't step up to parent, and tried to put them in the middle.

• he'd been emotionally and financially controlling. I had lost all confidence in myself and my abilities and was scared. I had also somehow thought that his mistreatment of me was love (I got counselling!). I thought I couldn't do it alone

It was the last bit that was the biggie for me. As I grew in confidence and learnt to love myself, I got stronger and happier to be out of it.

It took a lot of time to realise....well, maybe to admit to myself...that I could never trust him. In time I discovered that he'd been cheating one way or another with different people for a long time.

I'm glad I'm out of it. But it would have been so easy to just suck it up and stay married. And that would have been awful because once he knew I wasn't chucking him out immediately, he got contemptuous of me. He escalated. He used his body to intimidate me, even to trap me in rooms. Even to abuse me in bed. He knew he had more power over me then he'd had before. And he abused that knowledge.

Your friend will need support. But it has to be her choice.