I've just lost something really important. Again. And it's really getting me down. Please help me not be so useless with stuff

[Bitzer]

I've lost a purse (well, a kind of pouch thing) that contained my iphone charger and airpods, a substantial amount of cash, and a couple of other inexpensive but important things. I'm totally gutted, can't stop crying about it. I just can't believe I've been so stupid.

I lose things all the time. I just don't know what's wrong with me, I cannot get it together to remember basic stuff. It's expensive and embarrassing and a terrible waste of life. Today, for example, I've spent the whole morning trying to track down this pouch rather than doing work (I'm based in Asia so 8 hours ahead).

I don't get it. I'd say I'm relatively high-functioning in other ways: I'm quite academic, I read a lot and have a good attention span when it comes to that kind of thing, I'd say I'm pretty emotionally intelligent and have good friendships etc but I constantly screw up the most basic things. I don't have a stressful job at the moment, in fact I'm only just cranking back up to work after a period of time off. Life is very simple and yet I'm forever losing my phone/keys/wallet. The house is tidy so it's not a question of things being chaotic and these items just getting lost in the madness. I just don't seem to be able to be present in the moment and remember where I'm putting things. I've realised I do a lot on auto pilot while I'm thinking of other things and therefore it makes it really hard to retrace my steps.

My eldest DC is exactly the same - getting her out of the house in the morning is an absolute nightmare because every day she forgets or loses something. And I tell her off about it all the time, which is totally hypocritical because she clearly gets it from me.

Is there anyone else like me out there and have you found a solution? I'd really appreciate some advice

I have made a sustained effort to store things in the place where they are used, so, for example, keeping the shoe cleaning stuff on the shoe rack.

I have a zipped compartment in my handbag for my keys.
When I come into the house they go straight into a biscuit tin in the hallway.
We have a fruit bowl in the kitchen for wallets, phones etc.
DH was terrible for losing things but has got a lot better since having a base/fixed place for things that go in and out of the house regularly.
When DC were younger we used to have a launch pad system - a basket where everything for the next day was placed the night before.
It takes practice and repetition but it is worth persevering.

A place for everything and everything in its place. Sounds trite but it's my solution to a lifelong problem. If I don't put things back in their proper home I have no hope of finding them. I also don't go ANYWHERE without my handbag.

My DH has a different method - he lives like a nomad, picking things up, using them and then putting them down anywhere. He finds things by retracing his steps.

My way works better.

Where did you find your pouch thing? Understanding what your mind was doing when you put it down might help you decide where it should live when in the house.

Reading those dyspraxia symptoms a number of them fit me, but I think I have OCD too, so some sort of 'cancel out'.
I'm a great list-maker, and put things on the calendar, but it doesn't necessarily mean I'll actually DO the things, or allow enough time to get where I'm going.
To avoid losing things I do my best to put them back in the same place - so housekeys have a particular place to be indoors. If I'm going out then I must have them in my hand when I shut the front door and then they go in a specific pocket. Same with my mobile.
If I put something where it isn't usually, then I can lose it for hours, or days.
At Christmas I tidied up some stuff, including a bag of clothes I was going to take to the charity shop. I put the bag in a 'safe place' and all I can remember is thinking that it was a good place to put it as it'd not get lost. Of course, I can't find it now, and I've looked in all the places I thought it might be. It'll turn up eventually.

To help with daily organisation, I have a timetable pinned up. DC has one too. DC's is a bit more regimented as we have to fit in extracurricular activities, clubs, homework and set bedtimes. Mine is a bit more flexible. I am just beginning to learn that I need to move myself away from distractions rather than vow to myself that I won't fall prey to them. Hence I'm still on MN when I'm meant to be cleaning the bathroom and making the beds....

I’m like this too OP. If I don’t get everything ready the night before it’s physically impossible to leave the house on time because I can’t find xyz. I’ve introduced a bowl for keys/wallets/purses/headphones in the hallway (through the porch so no chance of anyone being able to hook them and break in). All important documents go in one place, and one place only. Post/bills etc go in one folder. It makes life a lot easier. I’m training myself out of it and now I only lose most things when my children move them to places I’d never think to look!

Thanks so much for all your input.

@mookatron it wasn’t at home, I retraced my steps and called around all the places I’d been in the city. Thankfully it’s a low-crime city and the lovely people in the ice cream shop I’d visited to buy a voucher for DD’s friend’s birthday had kept it for me. I was in a hurry and, as usual, distracted and must have put it down on the counter and forgotten to pick it up.

Encouraging to hear from those of you who’ve got better at this stuff!! Your method sharing is much appreciated

I feel I need some kind of system. Like an infallible bag (with specific pockets for the various items I can't lose) that I carry everywhere and notice when I don't have it

This.

I had this going before I was diagnosed with ADD.

Keys - right trouser pocket

Cash - left trouser pocket

Bus pass/Swift card/Oyster card/train tickets - right coat pocket

Spare key - right coat pocket if required

and so on.

Even my passport has a slot in a lockable filing cabinet.

P for Passport even.

I think the pouch may be part of the problem. Don’t store anything in anything that you can put down and forget. So handbag with a shoulder strap, and keep it in the whole time, never take off your shoulder while out of the house.

I have ADHD and am constantly losing things. I would say that it sounds more like dyspraxia in your case if you don't have issues with things like organisation, routines and so on - but I'm not a doctor and you'd certainly have grounds for being referred to a specialist with query dyspraxia /ADHD assessment.

It's the fact you feel out of control of it and that it is negatively affecting your life and making you feel down in general which is the tipping point - that's where it becomes useful to have this quantified.

A place for everything is absolutely key but also trying to interrupt yourself at the point of failure helps. So for example, my key hook has to be immediately next to the door, because if it gets any further into the house it's game over.

I don't usually lose my keys because they always go on the key hook... Except if something unusual is going on as I walk through the door, then I might put them down while distracted. It doesn't happen often but a couple of times per month.

I have a set place for my wallet but my entire family sabotage me by asking me to give them small amounts of cash (for school things, for lunch, for X,y and z) no bigger but me goes to the supermarket or cash machin and they all want me to get my wallet to give them petty cash at random times when I'm busy already - that's why I'm the one most likely to lose my wallet IMO!

The house is busy and full of people and messy though - I need to have a marathon clear out. We've been here 12 years and brought up 3 kids here, now all school age, and it shows. I was much better when I lived alone in a small flat without much stuff!

@AltogetherAndrews yeah, the pouch was a terrible idea. It was only ever meant to stay in my rucksack but then I left my purse behind and had nowhere to store the cash that i got out

@gingernaut I really need to do that. Trouble is getting it to stick. I have a terrible track record of coming up with systems that get discarded within 24 hours

@bertiebotts gosh no, my organisation is pretty terrible too to be honest. I write incredibly long to do lists and only ever get a fraction of them done because I veer off in another direction. So, today for example (it’s nighttime here, I feel I’ve achieved nothung.

My concentration is fine when it comes to some things (e.g. reading fiction) but am appalling at staying focused on most tasks. I’m am ‘the multi-tasking myth’ embodied.

Anyway, I’m taking on board the advice and it’s true that there are some things I’m much less likely to lose now because I’ve got into a habit with them. I just need to do that with all the important stuff I guess. And have straps on things!’

I am also a woman in my mid 40s who's never got to grips with carrying a handbag - I have tried to form the habit but it isn't natural to me at all. I do have a bag (actually I be bought many over the years, but my only chance is to stick to one) but it ends up crammed with laptops and folders as well as hundreds of random small items and I lose things inside it too! I need a bag for laptop and folders at least 2 days per week so I don't want to swap to a smaller bag... I thought a bag might be a good habit to form but I think it makes things worse!

I took to clients with learning disabilities on an outing last week and put IDs in my bag whilst chatting, and lost them in there for a good 5 minutes - cue internal panic while trying to fake calm competence on needing them for reduced price entry !

*two

I feel for you OP: I get phases of this and it’s directky linked to stress and it can really emotionally bottom you out - the sinking feeling of having “fucked up” again and especially if it affects another... luckily my DH is a diamond but even he had steam coming out his ears when I’d mislaid the bike lock key and spare a third time in as many weeks.

The final straw for me was a few months ago when I got to work after a shitty commute to realise I’d left my laptop at home. I actually cried, a grown ass woman, a contractor, a team lead, crying like a bairn in the office.

Now I have it under control again but the actual writing of post it notes and most effectively writing on my hand (yuk) cracked the phase.

This must be very frustrating. You said that you feel like you're on autopilot and have trouble staying present in the moment... Have you tried meditation? I am only a sporadic meditator, but when I am in the habit, I find it makes me more present, more aware of what I'm doing, and less on autopilot.

The other thing I do is use a bullet journal. Getting all my mental load out of my head and onto paper seems to make my mind clearer and much less scatty.

@blueskiesovertheforest Yes, the choice of bag is tricky. I have one cavernous backpack that everything goes into on the days I need everything. But small things get lost in it. I did see a ‘bag inside a bag’ thing in a shop. It had compartments fir everything and could be slid inside a larger bag. At the time I dismissed it as gimmicky but I might reconsider now.

@paulhollywoodssexgut ah now I used to write on my hand a lot and decided I think that it looked unprofessional. But clearly not as unprofessional as forgetting something every 5 seconds. Glad things are better for you st the moment anyway.

@slowknitter i 100% should do mindfulness or meditation but I find it sooooo hard. I have the headspace app and, honestly, 20 seconds in start drifting. And while I love the idea of a bullet journal I just feel it’ll become another habit I fail to stick to. Sorry, I don’team to sound negative and do appreciate the suggestions, I’m just losing faith in my ability to change

I thought that about the bullet journal too. I never stick to self-improvement habits (and I've tried many). And yet here I am on my third year of bullet journalling.

With the meditation, it's really important to remember that drifting off is not failing. It's part of the process. Everyone drifts off. Even if you drift off 20 times in 2 minutes, you still successfully meditated! Your job is simply to notice that you drifted, and gently bring your attention back without telling yourself off! It gets easier but you have to stop thinking of it as a task or goal that you can fail at. There is no fail .

slowknitter that's very helpful, thank you. And I'm really impressed that you stuck to the bullet journalling if you struggle with that kind of thing generally. Maybe there's hope for me…

I don't tend to lose things on a daily basis, but if I ever put something "in a safe place", I take a picture of it on my phone, so I can look back to remember where I put it.

I have a habit of forgetting where I have parked my car in city centres etc, so I always take a photo of the street name where I have parked in order to ensure I can find it easily.

I know that what I have written isn't in relation to the OP, but a previous poster mentioned forgetting where they have put things when they put them somewhere safe, so I thought I'd mention it.

Gosh, that is a really good idea! I’ve done that with car parks but never items left in ‘safe places’!

Whatever you do KISS it.

Keep It Simple Stupid.

Anything too complicated will be discarded/forgotten quickly.

Keep stuff in view.

Before going anywhere, pat yourself down and check if you've got everything you need.

When going out to do something specific, pare down the amount of stuff you bring with you.

When locking or unlocking doors, don't think of anything else.

Not what else you have to do, not the cup of tea/coffee you're looking forward to, think of nothing but the key in the door and what it signifies - Security.

Concentrate on the thing and the activity and before leaving, do the pat down "Now, before I go, have I got everything?"

Even in shops. Apologise to cashiers and explain you'll be out of their way in a moment.

Aha in that case you probably do have some ADHD traits as well. Up to you whether diagnosis would help you of course, but there is the possibility of medication, which is fairly easily stopped if you don't like it.

Ginger I don't know about OP but I would be simply unable to think about one task as I was doing it. I'm not really aware I'm getting distracted until it is too late.

Another one here who uses my phone as a second (more effective) brain. I have a reminder for all appointments, with alerts well in advance and one just before. I take photos and videos of things and places I need to remember, including documents, instruction manuals etc.

I still have an old school notebook and pen, because things tend to come into my head in the middle of the night and I know I'll forget them if I don't write them down. I'm pretty sure if I was stranded on a desert island the very first thing I would look for, ahead of food and water, would be a stick to write my notes in the sand with.

I wear a cross body bag. My phone, ID, purse, keys etc are in it. I hang the bag with my coat so I don't forget it. We have a table in the breakfast room that we have to walk by to get to the back door. Anything we need for tomorrow is on there. Anything in the fridge that I need to take to work - lunch for example - I put a milk bottle in front of the back door. It reminds me about the fridge! As I leave the house, I say out loud, " keys, money, passport" as a check to make sure my bag has all my things. I lock my door and I say out loud " I have locked the door and I am walking away". Works for me.