Helping a 7 year old to grow up

[CielBleuEtNuages]

My 7 year old DS has been quite a challenging child since his birth.

I've met a couple of times with his teacher this year and the school will be recommending us a psychologist to see with him to try and help him control his emotions (at home he will fly off the handle and scream and cry and rage for the slightest thing. At school, he will cry when anxious and sometimes withdraws totally into himself and the teacher can't get anything out of him).

One thing she said last week has really stuck with me though - she said he's a big baby.

Now he is our PFB and I know sometimes we've continued to do things for him for too long just because we didn't think to make him do it himself IYSWIM. Now, I'm wondering what we should encourage him to do to grow up a bit?

What he does for himself: showers, dresses himself, gets his own drinks, lays the table, carries his schoolbags, pack his PE kit (when reminded), gets his own snack (asks first), turns on the TV (asks first), cleans his teeth (we also do it afterwards)

What we do for him: pack his schoolbag, tell him what homework to od (average 45 minutes a night, usually involves an adult testing him so he can't really do it alone), sit with him until he falls asleep (he's very anxious generally and at nightime it's very very hard), get his school clothes out the night before, make all his meals

Is there anything we could do to help him be more grown up? As I said, he's our first, so it's difficult to know what to do and we're not close with other parents.

As context, we live in France. And this year he is going on a school trip for 5 days/4 nights which for me seems really long at his age but nobody else seems to blink at it, so maybe we do baby him?

hopeful bump

I don't have kids yet but I will bump this for you!
FWIW I remember being asked to make my own bed at that age, don't know if that's something you could add on for him?

It seems to me he does a lot for a 7 year old. And 45 minutes of homework is totally beyond reason for his age.

But you live in France - I would never have wanted any child of mine to go through the French education system.

I do not think he is a big baby and the teacher was well out of order to say such a thing. He has the rest of his life to grow up in and at this stage needs to proceed at his own pace.

Yes, good idea.

We've found he's naturally started to do more things for himself. It's just the "big baby" comment that threw me (even if we think it ourselves when he starts crying cos he doesn't want to go to the park ). He cries more in anger than upset though. He doesn't cry when he hurts himself, instead he yells so loudly I feel sorry for anyone nearby.

The French school system is tough. 45 minutes homework every night is horrendous to be frank, especially as he hates doing it, leading to more angry outbursts.

Thanks for saying he needs to go at his own speed - that's what we've been doing so far.

TBH that sounds like what my six and a half year old does so I don’t think he is too babied. Only extras mine does is make bed when asked, dust dressing table and bits on it (when asked) and feeds guinea pigs (when asked). Although maybe I need to up my game then...

Does he actually make any choices for himself? I found seeing good /bad consequences of decision making from a young age very useful. .
Options for meals, outfits, friends, activities etc.

Oh also takes her breakfast and supper plates and puts in dishwasher, rather than leaving on side and puts all her own rubbish in the bins (like if she has a banana she knows to put skin in bin and not leave on floor etc). This is without being asked. And puts dirty clothes in wash basket without being asked (mostly)

I don’t think he is babied. I’ve heard a few things about French schools and none of them are good.

he can get his own clothes out, put dirty in the hamper and straighten his duvet. But I suspect they're referring to his sensitivity and emotional maturity. this is hard to develop in some one else.

My 7yo also empties and loads the dishwasher, can put a wash on (if asked), cleans her own football boots, knows (with a bit of prompting) what she needs to take into school each day (eg piano music).

But it doesn’t sound like he’s way off that sort of thing. So it’s not the practical side, it’s the emotional side. Have you read about love-bombing? Sometimes really fulfilling the more babyish needs has to happen before kids can move on to the next stage. I’d be looking at more cuddles, more one on one time, very relaxed weekends and stuff like that, if you haven’t already.

'Big baby' is just their twatish opinion.

Please don't change your parenting based on this one stupid remark.

My oldest child is just turned 6 and he isn't as independent as your ds. I think yours does plenty for his age and I agree that 45 mins homework is excessive.

He does put his dirty clothes in the basket without being asked and yogurt pots/banana skins/tissues etc. He has started taking his dirty plates and cups out too.

Choices - that's a good question. He chooses the clothes he wears at the weekend. I could get him to start during the week too (they have to wear specific style clothes but it's not a uniform).

Not sure what else he could choose. He has his weekly activity that he loves and he has asked to start another one next year (have to wait until September). He chooses whether to go to birthday parties or not.

He's good at reminding us that he needs to take his medicine, or that the next days he needs to take something in.

I think PP might be right that it's emotional maturity that the teacher meant.

Oh and when he wants to earn a bit more pocket money he does the dusting and mops the floor (something he has enjoyed since he was a toddler - strange child )

He is also helpful and tidies all the toys when asked (unlike our 4 year old!)

I think he does a lot for a seven year old! Ds is the same age and he doesn’t do as much. IMO they are young for such a short time. Big baby? No, a child.

It doesn't sound like an independence issue to me. He might be extra sensitive and anxious and I'd be seeking solutions for that. 4 nights away, my 7 year old would love it but I don't think his older brother would have at the same age.

I think it is more about trying to teach him strategies to help regulate his emotions than teaching independence. So get him to think about what makes him stressed (e.g. homework) and what calms him down (e.g. music/being outside/being with family), raising his awareness of signs in his body he is getting stressed (e.g. raised heartbeat or stomach pains) and plan strategies (e.g. relaxation) to help deal with stressful events.

It doesn't sound in my opinion as though he's a big baby at all. In fact, he sounds brilliant and very helpful around the house for that age.

He sounds like a sensitive, anxious little boy and perhaps (I have some french education experience and live in France myself although sans enfants!) the system and teacher are just not suited to his personality.

I personally would be less bothered about him "being a baby" but more concerned about his anxiety. Is there anyone you could speak to eg the doctor or maybe a family therapist or equivalent about his anxiety? That's quite a commitment for you to have to lie next to him as he falls asleep every night. That anxiety won't just vanish as he gets older and I'd personally seek treatment /coping mechanisms early on, to nip it in the bud before the pressures of schooling/friendships/life get worse.

And you never know, he might surprise you on his school trip and be absolutely fine

In my experience, the only time a teacher has ever referred to my child as a big baby was to deflect the attention from her gross incompetence and try to place the blame on my son and us as parents.
And yes, it was gross incompetence and inciting the rest of the class to turn against my son, it was taken further than the school and sanctions were implemented.

Your Ds does masses for his age. Have you asked around the parents in his class? Anyone else been told the same? What are their opinions of the teacher? Do you know anyone with a child the teacher taught last year? He sounds like he's very unhappy and I would say highly likely to be because of school.

I think a child being good at practical things can be very different from having emotional maturity. He might have all the practical skills there are, and still be emotionally upset by situations such as being told off.

If he cries about things going wrong, then perhaps teaching him how to deal with things going wrong would help him. I remember I used to get unduly upset as a child by small things going wrong (missing a bus, etc), because I didn't know a more mature way of dealing with it. Show him that small things going wrong is part of life, and such things can be dealt with.

The teacher's comment was vile and unacceptable! I would tell her so too. It sounds to me like it's not a maturity issue but an anxiety one. Though to be honest, I would feel anxious spending the day with a teacher who thought that about me. She may not think she is communicating it to your son, but he will be picking up something and that may be causing him to cry if he feels she is not listening to his fears/ concerns. Building trust is part of a teacher's job. I can't stand it when adults feel they can disregard a child's feelings and make fun of them. My boys are in their 20's now, but when the youngest was little he went swimming with the shool and for some reason, there was a personality clash, the youngest was far more quiet and reserved compared to his brother, who was very boistorous and 'brave'. Youngest didn't want to put his face in the water ect.

I used to volunteer at swimming to sit out with those who couldn't swim and so on. Anyway, one week I heard theswimming teacher cow say 'Crying again, DS2? What a wimp you are compared to your brother!' with a side eye to the class teacher. (Swimming teacher did not know I had heard and seen this) I yanked him out of the lesson and away from school for the rest of the week. I took him swimming with me every day. He went back to school on the Monday, with a note to the HT to say he would attend no more swimming lessons through school. He is a great swimmer now, but I've never forgotten that awful 'teacher'. I am pro teacher, but some should choose different professions.

by couldn't swim I mean due to illness or injury obvs. Just read it back and realised how daft it sounded to say I sat withose who couldn't swim at swimming lessons!

Thanks everyone.

Yes he is very anxious about getting things wrong, missing a bus or metro etc. I'm trying my best to help him but do think he needs someone who knows what they're doing.

He's in a private school which means lots of pressure. For a couple of years I've been wondering if it's right for him. He is doing well work and grade-wise. But he lacks a lot of confidence in himself.

Thing is, I'm not sure a state French school would be much better and international schools.are very expensive. (Private school isn't).