My mum hasn’t spoke to me in 7 years

[Leigh1993]

Hi everyone my mum hasn’t spoke to me in 7 years basically I’m not sure if I want to see if we can get over the situation but so much has happened I’m really not sure. Basically what happened is my mum and dad split up when I was 16/17 I didn’t see my dad for a while as it ended badly between them. I did miss my dad but my mum told me if I had a relationship with him I would be dead to her so I left it, my dad then got in touch and with what my mother told me I kept it secret long story short my mother found out and chucked me out on the street and never spoke to me again. I’ve had kids since then and I would never give my kids that decision so anyone’s opinions on this would be greatly appreciated as sometimes I could really do with a mother around but it’s so hard to forget the past. Thanks for reading

Of course you miss your mum. But it sounds like she's the one in control of whether or not the two of you have a relationship. So even if you get in touch with her and are prepared to Forgive and forget she may not want to do the same.

Do you have any siblings?

Yes I have a sister who also hates me for making the decision I made so I haven’t seen her either but I feel like I could forgive my mother but I’m not sure if I’d trust her. She disowned her own family because they took me in and now her dad has dementia and it’s awful because she doesn’t know and nobody knows where she lives or her phone number to let her know

How horrible! I didn’t speak to my mum for about 4 years and then it was rocky for at least another 4 years until she saw the reason why. My sister also saw me as they bad guy, oh she sees now!
Only you can make the choice but be prepared for rejection and possibly a long ride (just incase) it’s whether the rocky road is worth what your trying to achieve that may never happen. I wish you luck

i'm also estranged from my mother - her choice. I dont feel to contact her, because dealing with the pain of separation was so strong, I cant invite more rejection.
Also part of me is bl**dy angry with her! ITs a confusing and painful mess, that time is helping heal.

Thank you my biggest fear is rejection and my mother can hold a serious grudge so I would expect rejection straight away. I mean if she rejected me I’m sure I’d get over it and carry on as I have for the past 7 years but I’d just love for her to get back in touch with my grandparents before it’s too late I hate the fact that she disowned them because of me.

My husband had a similar situation with his mum - she cheated on his dad, DH literally caught them at it - but she decided that she didn’t want a relationship with her then 15 year old son and cut him out of her life. To the point where she didn’t even acknowledge him in passing.

I’ve got no advice really, just reassurance that this isn’t your fault, you can’t fix your mother’s issues. She has cut herself off, not you

Please don't ever blame yourself for that, she made her own choice not to see her parents. And they did the right thing in taking you in.

I'm sorry you're in this situation

On a practical note, the Salvation Army has a Family Tracing Unit with a long and reputable track record. They can't guarantee that your mum will want to know, of course, but they are well worth contacting.

Thank you for the advice I didn’t know that they had that service and will definitely look into it if not for me, my grandparents

You're very welcome, OP. Also - I should have said this before - your mum's actions are her responsibility and you are in no way to blame. You're a lovely person to do this but please don't feel guilty. x

Does your sister not know? are you still in touch with your sis and she with your mother? Does your maternal grandmother not have contact details for your sis at least.

Sounds horrendous, OP, but as others have said, don't beat yourself up about it. Do what you can do and then leave it.

Your mum didn’t disown her parents because of you - she made the decision to do it herself. She sounds awful - I’m sorry to say.

My sister lives with her they both hate me for seeing my dad, which I’ve never understood he wasn’t the best parent in the world but nobody is everyone has their flaws but yeah nobody knows where they live or their number. My sister was quite aggressive and controlling it was my sister that found out that I had been talking to my dad as she had went through my phone when I wasn’t there, she tried to attack me when she found out but luckily a family member was there to stop her. I wouldn’t want any contact with her at all but it’s my mother I miss, especially knowing my kids are growing up not knowing her as she was a great mother growing up. Divorce definitely brings out the worst in some people

My mother took my daughter away from me she lied on me she watched me get raped when I was little I don't have anything to say to her anymore she's all about money she's a liar I just don't f* with her no more but I do miss my daughter a whole lot

If you miss her, you won't ever know if there could be a relationship until you contact her. She does sound a bit like my Mum though, in that you're expected to take her side whether you agree with or not and that is something you might have to consider even if it's minimal contact.