Does not going to Nursery or Groups affect the child?

[NamedElephant]

I know everyone parents differently and I’m not judging, but I just wondered if it makes a difference.

My DD is 3, almost 4. Starts school in September. Has been in Nursery 3 days a week since 14 months old. We do groups, and swimming and soft play on her days not in Nursery. I wouldn’t say I’d made friends because of this but do have children that my DD recognises and goes on Play Dates with and to parties. My DD has quite a full schedule as she also spends time with her dad once a week.

On the contrary to me my friends 3 almost 4 year old has never been to a Nursery, childminder or similar. She’s never been to a soft play centre or to groups. She won’t take her DD swimming as she (my friend) can’t swim. And when I’ve offered to take her swimming on my DDs Nursery days but friends too nervous to let me. She has playdates and the little girl is a delight, plays lovely with my DD and other children she meets at the park.

I do worry that my friends DD won’t settle at school due to not having ever been to any kind of childcare setting, but I think she’s ok as she gets on ok with other children. My friend is a good mum, lays down boundaries for the little girl and she always shares. Their life is just a bit more insular than mine or my DDs is due to her not doing childcare or groups.

Just wondered if anyone knew if the DD will be affected when she starts school for not going to Nursery? I have gently tried to encourage it but my friends always backed out at the last minute due to busy rooms and too many children (her personal opinion). The girls are a few weeks apart in age (June and July born) if it adds context. Also both girls are resident with their mother, the other DD sees the dad 6 times a year due to his job.

Like I said I'm not judging, I find it interesting to see how the girls interact and how their personalities are developing and amount that to certain parts of their life.

Sounds like mum has some issues with groups of people/ socialising. I imagine school will be a bit of a shock to the girl and the mum.

I think the mum will struggle with school more than her DD, tbh. She has controlled her DD's environment in a way that will go straight out of the window when she starts school.

Reception teachers know which children have been to nursery. Social skills are the main thing taught there.

I think by the time they go to school it's useful to have been in some form of childcare because school is compulsory and you don't want them having too many settling issues.

My DD is nearly 3. I'm a sahm and have no need for her to go in childcare but I started sending her to a preschool for 9 hours a week in January (rising to 15 once she's funded at 3) because I want her to get used to that sort of environment. Our preschool is art ached to what we hope will be her primary school and they join the reception kids for PE and some basic lessons once they're a bit older so it's good preparation. It seems pretty cruel to just dump them in school at 4 having never been left like that before.

My DD spent the first week crying hysterically at drop off and after that flipping loves it! She asks to go now, I'm dreading half term 😂

How on earth does she fill her days?

I think they'll both battle at first, and it could become a bit self-fulfilling for the mum ("DD hates it here, so loud and busy, I was right to have her home") but 4 is young enough that you hope DD will settle quickly.

She asks to go now, I'm dreading half term 😂

My DD asks too, if we walk passed on the days she's not there we have to go say hello.

I think it depends on what the child is doing all day

Sitting in the house alone all day whilst mum ignores child to do other (maybe very important) things. Could be a problem.

Surrounded by lots of extended family, other children such as cousins, or a local community of friends. Lots of input from loving caring adults who have time for them. Trips to parks, other people's houses, shops, cafes etc. It might all be great.

I know of two families near us whose kids didn't go to nursery. And only one used toddler groups, etc. But the kids were surrounded by a variety of adults and children. Grandparents were teachers, who could help but play in an educational way with them. Parents were professionals, one choosing to be a SAHP. All the kids hit school running and are still flying.

Surrounded by lots of extended family, other children such as cousins, or a local community of friends. Lots of input from loving caring adults who have time for them. Trips to parks, other people's houses, shops, cafes etc. It might all be great.

No cousins, but does have me and a couple of other friends with similar aged DC who she spends time with. Goes to the park a lot, drives so they go to other parks and cafes etc. further than our little town.

Like I said not a bad life or way of doing things, just different to me.

I think when Mum has social anxiety or doesn't socialise it does impact the kids, yeah.
I'm not good with groups but have had them in formal childcare young.
They are much more sociable than me as a result (I still struggle) and I think this means that whilst they make friends at school/nursery/childminders these friendships don't often turn into regular play dates etc.
This is something I am trying to work on. I can see that (already) it has had an impact on them even with the mitigation of childcare. I don't want them to struggle socially so I am (constantly) trying to push myself to get out of my comfort zone for their sakes.
I think that had they not been in nursery/childminders either then DC1 would have struggled much more when she started school.

I imagine it’ll take her a little longer to settle in reception but after the first term there will be no difference.

It’s always hard for children to be away from their parents for the first time, whatever the age. Your friend has just delayed it slightly.

I didn't send my ds to any formal learning before he started reception. The teacher actually rolled her eyes when she asked me where he'd been as he ran in enthusiastically. Three days later she complained that I hadn't told her of his abilities most likely because I didn't realise that not all children could do what he did. He loved school, he was incredibly popular and his teachers really enjoyed him. I don't think nursery does teach social skills it's an unnatural environment (babies are generally singletons) and any child with a secure attachment to their primary caregiver offered varied opportunities will get everything they need

I don’t go to groups, I haven’t managed to find one I like. My ds was entitled to 30 hours from January but I’ve not found a setting I like with session times available that work for me atm. He’ll go to a lovely preschool in September and have a full year there before he starts school so I think that’s fine. I’m in no rush, he’s still so little.

Every week we do soft play, park, cafes, farm, baking, playdoh etc. We have a huge family and he stays with grandparents whilst I work. I don’t see the issue

Part of the reason for reception is learning how to "do" school. She might take a bit longer to settle in. On the other hand, if the girl is outgoing and keen she might really take to it. Harder for her mother perhaps.

As long as she is well socialised in a variety of settings out and about and with a few roughly similar aged friends and her parents have proper two way conversations with her using a range of vocabulary, she eats at the table with cutlery, she has the chance to scribble/ draw and use scissors, she has the chance to run, jump and play and get dirty - it will make no difference at all.

The only negative impact might be she isn't used to being left, but she may or may not be upset by that and it will only impact the first few days if she's well and positively prepared and any upset is handled in a firm but loving way.

Nursery is of benefit to children from deprived backgrounds but neutral for children with well educated, engaged parents who are not struggling with poverty or serious health issues.