13 yo ds asked how much someone earns

[snetski]

So my 13 yo ds asked his grandma “how much did grandfather earn”, as she was saying how lucky she was to never have had to work, and lived a very good standard of living.

In his defense I don’t think he was asking for an exact figure, but I think he’s starting to try and figure out what sort of careers lead to certain lifestyles. Sort of seeing where to set his sights.

DH sternly told him off after his mum had a word with him, and as did his grandma at the time. I genuinely don’t think any harm was meant. Should I have stuck up for ds?

Of course he's allowed to ask it. They don't have to tell him if they don't want to. We should be a lot less cagey about money in my view.

He asked a perfectly relevant question in regard to the conversation.

Is this real? Your 13 year old is only just aware that different jobs command different salaries? And he was 'sternly told off' for what??

What exactly did he do wrong?

Obviously ds was aware that different jobs command different salaries. To oversimplify and horribly stereotype, I think he was pondering along the lines of...

Senior bank manager (his dgf)- big detached and stay at home wife, kids at boarding school
Teacher- semi in the burbs and both working
Shop worker- small terrace/flat and not a huge amount of
spare dosh

his grandmother is quite traditional...

Apparently it is “quite rude” aka very rude to ask such things. “Hugely impolite”

He's allowed to ask and people are allowed to explain that people find this sort of stuff highly personal.

It’s generally not considered good manners to ask what people earn. It’s important for kids to learn wnat’s
acceptable and what isn’t. But explanation rather than telling off would be better.

But surely you’d know that by 13?

I also think that he asked a normal question relevant to conversation. It’s nice actually that he joined conversation and was curious about important issues. Is it a sensitive issue for some reason in their family?
I knew my parents salaries and grandma’s pension at 10 but they were rather small figures and were mentioned often to explain me why I couldn’t have this and that.

I don't think he should have been sternly told off. He was asking his own grandma ...family and its good that he's getting thoughtful about these things. I'm a grandma to a 13 year old boy and I could imagine him asking such a question in the context of his grandma's question.

I would have laughed, told him, but explained that it wouldn't be wise/polite to ask just anybody this kind of question as some people like to keep these things private.

UTTERLY Ridiculous of your DH & yes, you should have defended your DS.

He is 13, interested in an historical fact about his grandparents lives and asked a perfectly reasonable question, in context.

@bertrandrussell - but surely what's appropriate depends on who you're with.
Asking a child asking a parent or grandparent out of curiosity in the context of a discussion about how someone earned enough that his wife didn't need to work, is very different from a child asking a random person or even asking in the context of how much money do you earn so you can spend it on me.
I ask my grandparents a lot of personal things which I wouldn't ask other people, because I'm very close to them. In the same way depending on your relationship with someone you'd share different amounts of information.

She shouldn't mention how lucky she was not to have to work then he was just curious, I don't think it's rude 😂

Your DS may not have meant any offence but I think 13 is well old enough to be taught that earnings are a sensitive topic.

I'm not sure it warrants a telling off, but I don't think your DH was wrong to tell him it was impolite. It isn't doing your DS any favours to let him think it's a totally reasonable thing to ask people.

If she doesn't want him to ask, then maybe she shouldn't talk about 'not having to work and still having a good standard of living.' What did she want him to say to that? He was probably just trying to make conversation. Obviously he was just meant to smile and nod.

I would defend my child in this situation and perhaps just tell him not to mention it again, although I'm sure he won't now. Poor kid.

I'd also tell his grandmother and father that a telling off was completely OTT and that 13 year olds don't necessarily understand that some people class what they earn as top secret.

Asking a child asking a parent or grandparent out of curiosity in the context of a discussion about how someone earned enough that his wife didn't need to work, is very different from a child asking a random person or even asking in the context of how much money do you earn so you can spend it on me

Agreed. I would have just explained to my DS that some people are inexplicably reluctant to talk about how much they earn and so asking that question straight out might lead to some responses like his father's/grandmother's. I would also let him know that I don't think he did anything wrong but that sometimes it's best to just avoid doing or saying things for no real reason other than how other people may react.

Yes, you should have stuck up for your DS.

All this secrecy over earnings, and ridiculous social norms about it not being 'good manners' to ask, is why employers can get away with huge disparities in wages for people doing the same job.

Can anyone tell me why they would be mortally offended if someone else knew how much they earned? What terrible embarrassment might occur?

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