Strong feelings for a married man

[mummsie88]

Hi everyone,
New to the page, looking for advice/your opinions and experiences but please no judging 😩

I work very closely with a male colleague, we have a brilliant friendship. I'm a single mum of 2 and he just brings the laughter back to me.

We txt quite often and have the odd cheeky phone call when he is out and about but NOTHING sexual.

The last 6 months I've had the feeling that the friendship could be turning more into flirting which I have held back from as he is married with children and make it clear it stays in friends zone, he agrees and never says anything sexual towards me or aimed at me BUT I have this 'feeling' we are both coiled springs waiting to bounce. I hold my hands up and say I have feelings deeper for him than friendship but would never put anything forward due to his circumstances....I can't promise that if he was to make the first move.

My mind is focused on him constantly, waiting for the next message, looking forward to the sneaky phone call etc and it's beginning to hurt that I know I will never get the man I honestly believe could be the man for me if things were different on his side.

I am a very untrusting person, I don't ever allow my self to get close to people but with him I feel safe, happy and like I could have a life.

Please tell me how to stop these feelings as I know I can't continue with them

Thank you xx

You are playing with fire here. You need to back off massively. Stop the constant texting, cheeky phone calls and flirtation- it's really not on, and probably won't end well for you anyway. Would you be happy to be his bit on the side? Would you trust him if you got together? Would you be happy for your children to know what happened/where it all started? Honestly you're on a hiding to nothing. Give yourself a metaphorical slap round the face and stop being so silly.

with him I feel safe, happy and like I could have a life.

🙄 In order to have that imaginary life you'd have to have helped destroy 3 others. How fucked up is that?

Grow up.

Just don't act on them. They'll pass. We all meet people we're attracted to whether or not we or they are free on a semi-regular basis, and sometimes it's mutual, but it's just a fact of life, and a not particularly important one. Not some star-crossed lovers 'must act on it or forgo happiness forever' thing.

And ask yourself about your terminology -- the 'cheeky' phonecall is a man sneaking about behind his family's back. Is that an image you like? Is your happiness worth more than the happiness of his wife and children?

This might come off as brutal, but brutal is what you might need right now.

Your feelings are irrelevant in the grander scheme of things. You are placing yourself in a position where you are potentially messing with his family.

Look at your kids and appreciate fully that he has children too, and if you continue this you are going to hurt them.

They (and his wife) are what matters here. Not you. Step away from the married man.

You are having a crush.

S ole n just enjoy crushes as they arise and fade, but it sounds as if you have become rather obsessed. That is not a good thing

I suggest you need to find ways to reduce contact with him to start the natural process of a crush fading.

You might also like to have a poke around on the Baggage Reclaim website to see if you can work out why you're choosing to spend your time on an unavailable man, rather than being open to a real relationship.

Of course people are going to judge, OP. You shouldn't be doing it. You need to stop now before it all goes horribly wrong.

" the odd cheeky phone call"

What the fuck is a "cheeky phone call"?

You are already having an emotional affair. You are loving the attention and the flirting.

STOP IT. It's inappropriate and unprofessional.

Stop communicating with him outside work, delete and block his number, no calls or texts or WhatsApp or Facebook.

At work keep communication work-related only.

Put your energies into other friendships, with women or unattached men.

Oh I see, later on you called it a "sneaky" phone call. A SECRET one, then. A phone call he keeps secret from his wife.

Yep. Emotional affair.

You aren't safe with him though are you? Not emotionally, anyway.

Just by the few people who have commented so far it's really put it into perspective of what is happening so THANK YOU!!

I knew what was wrong even though nothing physical has happened. It's the start of something bad.

I needed that virtual slap to wake me up. First thing tomorrow I'm going to ask to swap departments (there is a job I'm interested in going up in another office), delete and block any contact with him.

I think it says it all when I wouldn't tell closest friends about the situation as I know how they would have reacted and what they would have thought of me

Thank you everyone xx

You need to step away. Or decide to be that woman who decides to go for it, notwithstanding his wife and family. Not sure there is a middle option

Well done for listening OP. Good luck following through. Come back if you need another kick up the bum

"but please no judging"

Why on earth not? Can you not face the idea that you are allowing yourself to dwell on thoughts of adulterous marriage-wrecking?

If you cannot exercise a bit of self-control (just enough to stop yourself hankering after someone else's husband) at least under date your CV.

You'll need to change jobs if you act on this, because when colleagues find out they'll judge the hell out of you.

So if you must shag a married father, can you at least find one that doesn't shaft your job and career reputation along with the rest of the devastation?

You do realise even if he decided he was madly in love with you and left his wife there would be a new woman getting "cheeky phonecalls" and you'd be paranoid as hell

and make it clear it stays in friends zone, he agrees

You've already crossed the line as you've spoken about it. You're already letting him know you'd jump into bed with him.

I'm afraid I'm going to be even harsher OP, have you no self respect? Do you honestly think that's all you're worth, 'sneaky' phone calls and, potentially, a man who has destroyed his family to be with you? For the sake of your self esteem (if you can't do it for his wife and innocent DC) you need to put on your best game face and close this down regardless of how you feel. It's called being a decent human being, you know he's married so you need to leave him alone, your feelings don't trump those of his wife and children.

Good for you, OP.

Ride out the hurt and feelings of flatness after you break contact, and don't go along with it if the colleague tries to turn you moving departments into the occasion for declaring himself. Listen to whatever self-protective instinct made you post on here, knowing what you were going to be told.

And believe me when I say that we all meet people we're attracted to, and statistically, some of those times are mutual. You choose not to act on the feelings if you're not free, or they aren't free, and they pass off, inevitably.