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Original poster

To decline a wedding invite...

47 replies

Wingingitwell · 09/02/2019 14:27

I have a wedding invite dilemma. Myself and my husband have been invited to an out of town wedding which we would need to stay for 2 nights. I really value the friend but the invitation clearly says they can’t cater for children. I 100% respect this but my daughter will have just turned 2 and I have no childcare options for longer than the odd couple of hours.

I have considered me rsvp’ing yes and my husband declining so that he could look after our little one at home but mytoddler is very difficult and I have only ever been out once in the evening since she was born whereby she didn’t see me and my husband put her to bed. She cried for 2 hours prior to bed time and it took him 3 hours to settle her after bed. (If I was home she would have been happy for him to put her to bed) so I feel like it would be a bit unfair on both my little one and my husband to do this. The other thing we have thought of is possible them both coming away with me and staying in a hotel nearby with me popping out to settle her in the evening. But then he’d literally be dropping me at the church, driving me to the reception after the church and me getting a taxi to his hotel which would be a bit of a faff and not very relaxing/enjoyable for either of us. Plus awkward when people ask “where’s your husband” and I say “in a hotel 5 mins away”.

I guess my question is should I just RSVP saying I can’t go? Or would that be bad form? I would be sad to miss it but I guess sometimes being a mum means missing out on things. As a side note I think that me not going would be talked about in our friendship group and seen as me not putting the effort in.

I genuinely don’t know so all thoughts appreciated!

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 09/02/2019 15:43

“Plus awkward when people ask “where’s your husband” and I say “in a hotel 5 mins away.”

You see, I think this is where you just add: “he’d like to have been here, but he’s had to go back to look after our two year old - who isn’t invited to this wedding.”

Get practicing now for your DH to do bedtime and you not be there. You’ll have cracked it within a couple of days. You can go to the wedding, job’s a good un.

Awrite · 09/02/2019 15:45

Sounds like accepting will cause lots of stress for you, dh and dd. Just decline. Weight off your shoulders.

Original poster

Wingingitwell · 09/02/2019 15:59

Yeah, I think that’s it!

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings

PrincessScarlett · 09/02/2019 15:59

I think if you really value your friendship you should attend on your own and leave DH with your child.

How many hours away is the wedding that means you need to be gone for 2 nights?

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 16:08

I wouldn’t base my friendship on a friend’s attendance at my wedding, especially if I’ve potentially made it difficult for her to come. Would you?

Whisky2014 · 09/02/2019 16:12

If people ask where husband is you just say looking after child. Why say "in a hotel 5 mins away"? No reason except to make a dig.
You're concerned about it being awkward in how it appears to others. You're concerned about your husband having a slighlty stressful night. You seem to be a people pleaser. Just do what YOU WANT to do.

PrincessScarlett · 09/02/2019 16:13

No, I wouldn't judge the friendship at all but if I was in OPs shoes and I didn't go to a really good friend's wedding I would feel very sad to miss it.

Figgygal · 09/02/2019 16:18

I'd be going with bloody bells on

We had a child free wedding totally respect that choice from others now we have kids.

user1493413286 · 09/02/2019 16:24

If she’s a really good friend then I would go, take your husband and DD for the weekend then do the ceremony and come back after the meal which at an average wedding would have you back at the hotel by 6.30-7ish. That’s fairer to your husband and you won’t be missed so much leaving at that time. During the day your husband can take her somewhere fun then the next day you could all do something together to make it a nice weekend away.
Having said all that I think if someone has a child free wedding part of that is that some people would be unable to go.

HappyBumbleBee · 09/02/2019 16:33

It's definitely not bad etiquette to decline - alot of weddings I've been to, the best man has read out cards from people who couldn't be there, wishing the happy couple best wishes etc x
Send a card with a note in saying how sorry you are you can't make it etc etc etc xx

Original poster

Wingingitwell · 09/02/2019 16:39

I think between all the comments there’s some stuff that resonates.

It will be inconvenient and probably costly but hey that’s life!

I’m not a people pleaser but I do care about my close friends and the things that are important to them.

I would be sad to miss out (and I’m someone who frequently declines social events that don’t interest me)

I think I will try to see if I can go out and husband can put her to bed with me nowhere to be seen for a few hours. It might be different this time. But...I’m not going to excessively push this as I’m a working mum and I don’t get enough time with her as it is! I’ll give it a try or two though.

Oh and I wouldn’t actually make a dig at a couple at their wedding by saying the “my husband is 5 mins away” comment, I think that’s more how I’ll feel when I’m asked!

If that stuff doesn’t work we’ll decline or hotel with husband...

OP posts:

happydays00 · 09/02/2019 17:36

As others have said you can of course decline the invite and if it was a close friend I'd explain why. However, as the mother of a 2 year old, if a close friend gave me that excuse I would be 😒 that your DH can't settle her by then. Sorry, but as a pp said I think that dynamic needs to change ASAP!

Original poster

Wingingitwell · 09/02/2019 17:52

We don’t need a dynamic change! It’s one very specific issue. In the day he settles her fine and often can de escalate a tantrum easier than I can. It’s just a night she wants her Mum, it’s very normal psychosocial development for a 1 year old to want her primary care giver at the end of a busy day!

I wonder if everyone judging me has perfect easy lives with easy children and never have to face any battles? Because if you’ve ever had a minor difficulty with a child, chances are being told “you need a dynamic change” hasn’t been the mostly helpful advice ever received...

OP posts:

RaffertyFair · 09/02/2019 17:56

Wingingitwell
It sounds like this invitation has highlighted something that may not be a big problem, but is an opportunity to change.

I hope it won't be the case, but you might face an emergency or something that you can't turn down e.g. parent in hospital etc. and it would be so much better if you didn't have to worry about your DD in those circumstances.

And on a much more positive note, it means that social invitations in the future won't present with the same dilemma!

You don't have to 'push' anything, but a change in routine may take quite a few goes to get smooth. But all you need to do is leave the house for a short period while your DH does the bed time routine without you there, and your DD gets used to you not being there. It will benefit everyone in the longer term. Good luck with it and hopefully you will get to go to the wedding without worrying your DD's bedtime.

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 18:00

Actually, I’d be inclined to think that the advice is coming from well-meaning posters who’ve been in similar situations!

If you were to have a stay in hospital, for example, your dd would be unnecessarily distressed if you’ve always been the one to calm her and not your dh. It’s not a criticism of your parenting or your family!

And yes this wedding is a specific scenario but could easily be repeated in lots of different ways.

You’re not obliged to take on anyone’s advice though! I don’t think anyone meant to offend you. And certainly, I don’t think anyone’s posts mean we’ve all had “easy” children and no issues!

macmacaroon · 09/02/2019 19:05

If it was me as the bride I'd be a bit hurt if my friend didn't come for the reasons you've given. I am though very sensitive and she may be more robust. I had a close friend not come to my wedding because of problems with her back. It was a genuine reason as she couldn't sit for long periods so couldn't travel but I was still hurt and always thought at the back of my mind: am sure she could've found a way. You asked about etiquette but I think it's more about the brides feelings and your friendship. It sounds like you don't want to leave DC which is fair enough but how will it affect your friendship long term? Getting married is a once in a lifetime thing. As PPs have said you have options

RaffertyFair · 09/02/2019 19:15

It was a genuine reason as she couldn't sit for long periods so couldn't travel but I was still hurt and always thought at the back of my mind: am sure she could've found a way.

Bloody hell! No wonder there are paranoid people if their closest friends think like this

Lweji · 09/02/2019 19:43

Children change month to month and it's likely that she won't need mummy so much when she's 2.
Plus, you can work to change the dynamic, which can start by both going to settle her at night.

It's not really a criticism of anyone's parenting, but it is very limiting to have only one of you able to settle a child. At any time.

Unless you don't want to go to the wedding.

RaffertyFair · 09/02/2019 19:48

To be fair to the OP she has clearly said that her DH can and does do the bedtime routine by himself. It was only when OP wasnt physically in the house that her dd became upset.
So, they are already almost there.

Greyhound22 · 09/02/2019 20:34

I'm absolutely fine with people having child free weddings as long as they are fine with me declining. It's not always that easy to 'get rid' of DC's for two nights is it really. I struggle enough getting someone to look after DDog.

I would decline the invite saying that you can't leave your DD for two nights and that you hope they have a great day. Buy a lovely card and a voucher and send it. Job done and if they get their arse in their hands it really is their problem not yours.

Greyhound22 · 09/02/2019 20:37

Oh and OP my DS is 4 and has only just started to go for the very odd stay at my DPs. I didn't leave him overnight until he was 3 and then he was with DH and still got upset. He likes me to be with him at night. If that means I'm a shit parent then it's you and me both.

Ethel80 · 09/02/2019 20:43

It sounds like you want to go so I think you should. Do as you suggested and start being out at bedtime occasionally so your daughter gets used to it.

She'll be fine, he'll be fine. They'll just get on with it while you're away and will probably have a lovely time.

It would be different if it was someone's wedding you're not fussed about but you said you'd feel sad to miss out, so don't!

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