Completely drained.

[MrsM1409]

Name changed.

I am so drained. Life has broken me down to the point where I'm just flat, I don't even know where to start...

Last week I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. She would have been our third child.
Our first baby was stillborn at 38+2.
We do have one child who is with us, she is 6 months old.

I started bleeding on Monday last week, scan on Thursday confirmed complete miscarriage.

Phone call on Friday (day after) that my uncle (who we are very close to, like a second father) is now on a palliative care ward & not expected to live for much longer (oesophageal cancer with significant spread). He died on Tuesday.

I am tired from the crying.

I was told by DH that he had accepted the miscarriage and he had more pressing things to worry about, like work and that nothing could be done so no point dwelling on it. That was on the day I went for the scan, by myself.
When I said to him "but you were excited about the baby" he replied "yeah I was and now I'm not".

On Sunday, we spent a lot of time in hospital, waiting to see my uncle if possible. DH had a "face on" - I ask him what is wrong and he moans that he's bored. I tell him to go home then but he says there's no point and continues with the face. That was the last day I saw my uncle alive.

I am struggling with our six month old sometimes, I love her immensely, of course but being a mum can be challenging and a little help is appreciated every now and again. For all the help I do get, I may as well be on my own.

DH comes home from work last night at 6 ish, goes out to pub at half 7 and returns at 11:30. Proceeds to vomit because he's smashed and then acts like everything is ok today.
This is not the first time this has happened - also did this when DD was 3 weeks old. He was so drunk he was lying face down in the kitchen throwing up. Not what I needed when I had a 3 week old baby and I was treading water so fast but still nearly drowning under the enormity of becoming a mother to a real live baby.

When do I get a break? I don't.

When do I get down time? I don't.

I don't really want a significant amount of time away from DD, I just want a hand every now and then. And maybe even a little bit of comfort from the one person who is supposed to care.

H hasn't come to bed, presume he's sleeping on the sofa.

We have barely spoke today.

Rant done. Just needed to get that off my chest.

I'm sorry about the miscarriage and you are obviously going through a bad patch ATM. There's no tactful way of saying this, but was it really the best time to have a pregnancy, though? With a 6mo already and a useless drunken PA of a husband? . I think you need to sort your relationship out before you risk getting pregnant again. You might even want to consider LTB? I would.

Your husband sounds selfish, insensitive and uncaring. After all you have been through, why is he going out and getting smashed? I understand people deal with grief/tragedy in different ways but it sounds as though he has the emotional intelligence of a goat. I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband and tell him that his behaviour and attitude towards you in unacceptable. Good luck.

I'm so sorry, op, you're obviously having such a tough time. You must have your hands so full and your head too. From the outside looking in, it sounds like your DH is being a prat, but do you think he's being blokeish and covering his feelings up? You need to sit him down and open up to him and get him to open up to you. Easier said than done with a stubborn man; I've been through similar with my DH before. Mine just closed up and kept it all in leaving me feeling like I had nobody to talk to when he was the only person going through it with me too. You need to make him come back to you and go through it together. I know it might seem like extra work that you just don't need at the moment but in the long run it'll be beneficial to you. You need a strong shoulder. ❤🌸

Echo ifonlybats comment - he is behaving like an uncaring insensitive twat no doubt but I can't help wondering if he is dealing with his own grief about your losses and his feelings of helplessness towards you by drinking and "manning up"
I only recognize the signs as my own DH last summer got so wasted at a Sunday family bbq i had never seen him so wasted in 17 years and when I called him out a lot of other stuff he was trying to deal with came spilling out. I was still pissed off about the behaviour and it isn't an "excuse" as such but it was so bizarre I couldn't help but feel there was something behind it
Maybe worth confronting him with his behaviour and asking what is going on to make him act like a prick and see if he opens up
If he doesn't open up when given the chance then he probably is just a twat

How're you doing, op?