5 year old with severe separation anxiety

[Babylon5201]

My 5 year old son has always been sensitive and very close to me but recently he has developed really bad separation anxiety when it comes to going to school, he gets himself so worked up before school saying he will miss me his head and stomach hurts and even wanting to vomit, when it comes to leaving him at school he gets so upset saying he just wants me, he's scared and does not know why and that he worries something will happen to me. I've spoken with his teacher today as she is also concerned about how upset he is getting and see what we can do to make things better for him.
At bedtime he says he wants us to stay with him all the time and who is going to look after him, he has teddy's, nightlights but it dsnt seem to be enough, he does settle on his own after a few moments of reassuring him.
Does anybody here have any advice as it is heartbreaking as a parent to see my child so upset and at war with himself.

Poor little man. I have worked with children with anxiety. Kids with anxiety are often scared because they don’t know what will happen next. The following could be helpful
• plan what his day will look like. Lessons, what games he will play at break times, who he will talk too, what surprise you will bring him when you collect him. What you will do together after school
• keep a firm routine
• is there someone at school he could talk to when he is feeling overwhelmed
• teach him breathing exercises and affirmations
• maybe use a ‘bravery’ award chart
• consider whether the GP needs to make could make a referral to CAMHS

Hope things improve soon

Hi OP, My DS3 suffered with this when he was 4-5yo. He started school fine, did the first year. Then the second year just was so upset at school, he would run out of school into the car park to get me. I could see his face just switch to complete panic.
He refused all play dates and after school activities, which he had done before. Every night calling for me with 'bad dreams'.
I researched a counsellor who specialised in this for kids. Found a lovely lady, who met us, and chatted with him. Gave us tips etc ( which I genuinely can't remember!) and he is great now. Started doing play dates again, going to beavers etc. Sleeps well.
Lots of supportive chats with him, reassurance, get your friends involved etc. And may be look up a counsellor?
Its heart breaking!

I should have said that he actually loved school, just hated me not being there. "I want to be with you all the time" etc.

He got so upset if I even went to the shops without him and left him with siblings and DH.

Just try being firm and tell him to get on with it and if that doesn't work tell the school and let them sort it

I can empathise OP. My son was the same. It’s heartbreaking I know. I used to have to constantly try to reassure him that I was coming back to school to collect him. He would chase me out of the classroom every day. It was a really tough time. But eventually he did settle, it just took time.

Thanks for replying, it really is heartbreaking I feel so helpless, think Ive cried most of the day whilst he's been at school, he just seems to want me their at school and even says he's worried about me when I leave him, I'm so worried about him especially when he says his stomach and head hurts, he just dsnt seem to be himself this week not as interested in food and seems tired all the time (he was really poorly last week with a virus so that hasn't helped). I've spoken to his teacher today and the school have a pastoral support lady who is going to observe and interact with him and hopefully make life easier for him, I dont know if to let this lady do her thing and see if it makes a difference or to involve the G. P aswell.

You sound anxious too, do you think he’s picked up on some of your behaviours?

No judging, I have anxiety too.

Oh op for you.

My Dd (5) is going through similar at bedtime. She’s ok about school (her dad takes her rather than me, don’t know if that matters?), but she’s really struggling at bedtime and night. She also won’t go upstairs by herself, be in a room by herself etc. It’s quite wearing and I have been getting frustrated with her, which I think has made things worse.

I made a decision this week that I would be more understanding; take the time to talk through her fears, acknowledge and validate them. We’re trying to accept she just doesn’t like to be alone and are trying to be supportive (it means a lot of me sitting near her whilst she plays reading my book ). Her room has plenty of lights in at bedtime, I try to take my time with the bedtime routine so she has time to get used to it all and keep it the same each night. We’ve also set up a little bed in our room so that if she’s scared in the night she can come in there (this way we all actually get to sleep!).

I’m hoping she’ll grow out of it soon. But in the meantime she’s little and it must be very daunting, I remember when I was small and scared all I wanted was a hug from my mum. I’m hoping the same with her will allow us to get through this....

No offence taken George the gorgeous cat, Im not an anxious person and have tried not to be that way around him so as not to make him worse.

Your daughter, this is exactly how my little boy is at bedtime and we are currently trying the same things we did a thing were we said if he fell asleep on his own and stayed in his bed until morning he could pick a prize from a lucky dip bag ( usually sweets or really cheap party bag toy) and this has really helped, he still has episodes at night and through the night but they are better, it seems to be school that's the main issue at the moment, hopefully things will get better for him it's horrible seeing him this way as he is usually a very happy funny young man

Hi please can I get an update on how your child is doing and do you have any advice that helped? I’m in the same position with my 6 year old is absolutely awful.

My previously very brave 6 year old has suddenly developed very bad separation anxiety. He’s never ever cried when we’ve left him before, not in nursery or anywhere. He goes to beavers and after his first ever time going he did a big beavers sleepover and wasn’t at all worried. But now he cries every morning going to school, going to beavers, going to swimming etc things he loved before. Leaving him at bedtime is a big struggle too (never been a problem before). He says he misses me so much it gives him tummy ache...it’s making him so scared to leave me because he knows his tummy will hurt. Once he’s at school or at a club he’s fine but the thought of leaving me makes him unwell. My mum recently moved away which we think can be the only reason this has stated but we have reassured him we are never going to move away from him. He doesn't seem sad when talking about my mum or to my mum. He knows he can ring anytime. Please help with any advice or share your experiences with separation anxiety. We don’t let him see us upset but it’s really upsetting us all.

@Worriedmother91 Have you tried giving him something if yours that HE thinks is very special to you (but isn't actually valuable ir special) to 'look after' while he's at school. Costume jewellery etc.

Have you talked to him about your health & dying, explain it's very very unusual for people your age to get seriously unwell or die. (Maybe he knows someone who has it he's heard too much in the news?? Somethings obviously kicked off this worry for him).

At might try the 'just popping into 'another room' to 'xyz' I'll be right back and do go back after 5 minutes, rinse & repeat.

Plan nice things to look forward to together. Talk about the 'boring' things you need to do at work/home.

Can you get someone else to take him to school for a few days? Try to break the cycle?

(next time it's better to start your own thread & @ the ouster of the original thread as most people don't read beyond the original post and will now @ the OP.

have you tried googling 'separation techniques for young children'. IF you decide to try to find a private therapist, make sure they're suitably qualified for anxiety in children.

Best of luck with DS, it is hard!!

Thanks you for your suggestions, I have been on Google looking at techniques pretty much 24/7 since it started but nothing I’ve tried really helps. He’s not definitely better than he was a few weeks ago as he was crying so much he was making himself sick but he’s still getting very upset several times a day saying just tummy hurts. Sometimes he says he doesn’t think he’s worried but it’s usually during a quiet period when he’s not with me it hurts so when he wakes up or when he’s going to bed. It’s every time we are going to do something like school, swimming lesson, beavers etc. He loves school and his clubs once he’s there. I thought I had done a separate post too to be honest but I’ve never posted on here before so don’t really know what I’m doing lol. He’s never mentioned being concerned about anything happening to me it’s just leaving me and the thought of leaving me gives him a bad tummy. That’s a good idea about trying somebody else taking him sometimes. Thank you!

Agree with the suggestion of firm routine. Hope something can be worked out OP.

@Worriedmother91 sorry to bring up such an old post but my previously confident 5 year old daughter is going through a sudden separation anxiety. Just looking for some stories of improvement and maybe what helped?

Updates pls ladies ? Tell me it got better and how pls x