Struggling with being a parent. How can I knock this on the head?

[0utForAWalkBitch]

I need advice please. I’m really feeling unhappy and stuck in a rut. I feel like I hate being a parent, it’s just so fucking thankless and stressful.

Background info so as not to drip feed:

I have two children, 6 and 3. Eldest at school, youngest at nursery every morning. Eldest reasonably independent. Youngest co sleeps, and is constantly “on me”. I’m touched out. Neither sleeps well.

Had pnd after the second, still on a small dose of ADs.

Husband is breadwinner, works for himself and is out at work a lot but obviously some flexibility as he’s his own boss.

I don’t work, but have my own little “hobby” business that brings in a few hundred a month, but I don’t get time to work on it much with the kids around, and I find this frustrating.

My question is, how can I snap out of this? I need coping mechanisms.

Of course parenting is thankless and stressful. It is for everyone. Why am I suddenly getting so down about it all? Why am I suddenly raging that they just don’t fucking listen to me? Ever? Why does it enrage me that I need to repeat myself ten times before anything gets done? Why am I so bored with their company? Nothing has changed but I suddenly feel unable to cope with what is a very normal parenting situation (I.e I know it’s normal, I have a good life, have everything I wanted, I’m not trying to throw a pity party saying I have it bad - I know I don’t). So really I’m being pretty pathetic. I drink wine nearly every day to alleviate the tedium.

My husband has suggested a night away in a hotel (just me), which sounds nice but I’ve done that before and it was nice while it lasted but when I came home I could hear the kids fighting before I even stepped in the door and it was as if I’d never been gone, just straight back into the boring frustrating slog.

Sorry this has just been a bit of a brain dump. I don’t know if anyone will be able to suggest anything that will help, I just need to snap out of it.

You can only snap out of it if you carve out some space for yourself. It’s all about taking care of yourself not just the dcs.

I would look at changing nursery hours for the youngest and maybe add one longer day instead.

I would also tackle co sleeping. He’s 3? He could move into a room with his sibling.

Taking regular time for yourself - mine was running and exercise - makes it easier to cope when you’re at home. I used to feel a bit guilty going off for a run but actually I needed it.

It’ll also help with your mental fitness as well as physical.

Why is your 3 year old still co sleeping? Not surprised you feel smothered!

I agree. The 3 year old needs to move out. You need space.

3 year old in own bedroom. Swap nursery hours for full days. Get a part-time job out of the house. It doesn’t have to be anything incredible, but tell give you a sense of worth back.

I felt like this before I went back to work. I hated it. Now I’m so much happier.

You can't sweep this under the carpet and just find a coping mechanism (you're already trying that with wine & ADs and it isn't working). Whatever is going on in your head, you need to try and understand it and address it.

It's all very well GPs dolling out ADs but they don't get to the bottom of the issue, they are just a bit of sticking plaster for a temporary fix.

Is there anyway you could see a counsellor to talk this through with someone properly?

Every poster on MN, can give you advice as to what they found helpful or suggest a 'fix' but they're not inside your head struggling with whatever it is that is making you feel this way.

If your 3 year old is NT then I would move them into their own room. Is there a real reason why you can't do it this weekend?
Is your 3 year old in a school nursery(hence the 5 mornings)? We had this option but chose a pre school instead as they were more flexible and let us have 2 full days (with the option of another morning too)if we wanted. The full school day would surely be better for you to work?
Don't underestimate the value of your hobby job. I know lots of women who walk away from ft work with less than that when they take childcare into account. You need to make time for it.

I don’t think you’re being pathetic at all. It’s relentless. I have 3 dc, all at school, and am expecting our 4th next month and already I’m dreading that feeling of being touched out. Everyone is home sick this week and I feel dreadful that I feel so resentful over it. Dh looked after me so well last week when I was poorly but I desperately need him to man up and help me atm and instead he’s doing his best man flu whimper and shuffle. It can be hard when it all falls to you, especially if you have your own interests that are put on the back burner while you see to everyone else. One thing I’d say from experience is to knock the wine drinking on the head. I found myself drinking a glass every night (before I was pregnant!) and tbh I think it made my anxiety worse. I was using it as a crutch and reward for getting through the day but actually it made my sleep worse and I felt irritable in the day, waiting for the time I could pour myself a glass which signalled the end of responsibility for the day. I felt so much better when I stopped.

Thanks for all the comments so far.

Re the co sleeping. It started because he was such a terrible sleeper and it was the only way we got any sleep. He’s been sleeping better in the past few months, and in fact we had a few weeks where he slept most of the night in his bed, but he stopped doing that and we just haven’t had the energy to try putting him back in his own bed. I think we do need to try again. You’re right there isn’t a reason we can’t try that this weekend.

It’s extra stressful as the older one doesn’t go to sleep til late, will generally stay up reading until I come up to bed (around 9/9.30) then want to get in with me for a cuddle, which I hate as I just want to not be touched, but feel like I can’t refuse as she gets shunted off to the side by her clingy little brother a lot and I think she needs that mummy time more than I don’t need it if you see what I mean. I wish she’d just sleep but she just doesn’t seem to need it and you can’t force someone to sleep...?

Yes it’s a school nursery and they don’t have an afternoon session. I’m reluctant to muck about with this as he’ll be starting at the school in September and I don’t want to unsettle him. A childminder one afternoon a week might be an option, although would I be able to get this as part of the 30 hours allowance does anyone know? I do technically “work” doing admin for my husband in addition to my own business so I’d probably be eligible.

I just feel like I have to cram so much into those precious three hours. I want to just sit and stare at a tv and enjoy not having anyone on me or stressing about anything. But I also want to exercise, and work on my hobby job, but trying to fit all that in just makes me stressed. It’s so hard to juggle. I generally do 30 mins running or swimming, with travelling, showering etc this usually leaves 1.5 hours to then chill out or work which isn’t long.

Even when my husband is home there is nowhere I can go to just be alone - I don’t want to go out, I want to be alone at home so I can do what I want to do, but our house is small. But he will usually need to be asked to take them out and then I feel guilty and under pressure to “make the most of” the time. He doesn’t mind taking them out just lacks initiative.

Sorry this just turned into another brain dump.

The advice to kick the wine is good. I did (mostly) dry January and I did feel better.

You can split the hours between more than one provider I think, although most childminders and nurseries would prefer 2 sessions a week to just one. If you did that then you would have 2 full days and 3 mornings a week which would free up a lot of time for you and you woiod still have 3 afternoons a week with your youngest. It would also perhaps be useful to try and continue when your youngest starts school- you could keep the cm for both dc after school 2 days a week to work??

With your eldest, could you set a time limit on reading? So you say that she can read until 9 a, then at 9 you go into her room for a quick cuddle and lights out? That way she gets an extra bit of cuddle time (10 minuyes)alone with you but you set the terms?

I think if you could get the sleeping stuff sorted, you'd feel much better. You need your evenings to be freed up a little and your own space when you're asleep. Is your eldest tired if they're going to sleep so late? My DC are 8 and 10 and youngest is in bed at 7.30 on school nights and eldest by 8.30.

Get them both a reward chart... youngest gets a star for sleeping in their own bed and the eldest gets a star for going to bed and lights off at an earlier time.

Your 6 year old is going to be FAR too late and that will definitely contribute to behaviour issues. The co-sleeping with your 3 year old is making you miserable and needs to end immediately. You're exhausted and not getting proper sleep. It's no wonder you're struggling.

You need to stop letting your kids control you and enforce some rules. That is a ridiculously late bedtime for a 6 year old.

You're 6 year old should be in bed by 7:30, with lights out no later than 8pm. She is not getting proper sleep.

She just doesn’t seem tired though. She used to be brilliant at going to sleep early, but it just seems to have stopped. Especially now she can read she just wants to do that and I’m loathe to discourage it. Also I’m so fed up I’m having trouble working up the motivation to fight it any more. Maybe she too wired and is having trouble winding down? Any tips on a calming bedtime routine?

I think you’re right I am being ruled by the kids. I need to get better at discipline - they’ve always been pretty well behaved so I’ve never needed star charts or anything before but maybe that now needs to change as their behaviour has changed.

I appreciate the sounding board by the way, even talking about it is helping me work through some things. I’d just got so miserable. On my run this morning I kept bursting into tears.

How long has the little one been in nursery?

You’ve had good advice above. I also think it’s fine to spend your three hours not doing very much. I sah with a toddler and have a freelance flexible job too, but tbh some (most) days I get dd down for a nap and it’s all I can do to sit down with a coffee and Netflix. Small children are demanding! If you want more time for your business you probably need more childcare/a full day, but it’s also fine to acknowledge that at this stage work takes a backseat.

Depending on what time she gets up 9.00 could be fine, she might only need 10.5 hours so a 7.30 wake up would be fine. You can't force her to sleep and I think as long as she's quiet and in bed it's fine, I would just stop the coming into you when you're trying to go to bed.

I don’t think you can force someone to sleep but I do think children need to be taught how to get to sleep. My children are adopted and in foster care my DS who was 4 at the time wasn’t in bed before 10.00pm. I was told he wasn’t tired, didn’t need much sleep, some children just don’t need lots of sleep etc. One of the things I prioritised early on was sleep routines, so winding down after tea time, quiet games, bath, story, bed with lots of chat about resting and needing sleep.

I made his room calm and comfortable, read sleepy stories, always said goodnight in the same way then rapid return to bed if he got up. Turns out he was exhausted and massively overstimulated - he’s now 6 and in bed and sleeping by 7.30, if we’re out and he’s up later by 8.30, 9.00 he really needs his bed.

It’s worth revisiting sleep with your daughter, I’d be having her in bed by 7.00, read for 20 mins and lights out - with mum cuddles if that’s what she needs. Then quiet room, lying down, eyes closed etc to help her get some rest. It also means you’ve got some time in the evening to catch your breath a bit.

The other thing that has helped me is getting DH to take both kids out to the park, soft play etc at the weekend. It gives me space to get stuff done while he has more empathy for me because he too needs to entertain them on his own on a regular basis.

My dcs couldn’t handle a bedtime that late - they’d mask it well until meltdowns at seemingly innocuous things.

So I would definitely work on that.

Three hours a day is plenty - it’s just a mindset thing. Maybe you’re pressurising yourself so much that you can’t enjoy the time. You could get ready for a run in the morning (so drop the kids off in your running kit), run then home for a shower to save time.

Maybe draw yourself up a timetable and stick to it. If you plan a bit then time is less likely to slip away? You could schedule in two exercise sessions a week plus one at the weekend. That gives you three mornings free to do other things.

And stop feeling guilty at sending your husband out with the Dcs if you need to. It’s good for him to build a bond with them.

Ive got no advice but just wanted to let you know you are not the only one with a 3 year old in your bed. Mine gets into my bed in the middle of the night every night, some nights I’m not really fully aware she is there until one of us happens to stir or she kicks us. There is no way I have the willpower or strength of mind to take her back at 3am no matter how much I pysch myself up to do so before going to sleep!
We can’t be the only ones in this position so don’t beat yourself up too much for not dealing with it.
I also think longer days in childcare might really help as you would feel you got a good chunk of time to yourself.