I feel like a complete fool

[digots]

I asked a neighbour whos wife just died if he was alright, I know it was a bad phrase of words, his daughter was present and snapped that of course he was not alright and they walked off, he seemed ok about it but she was fuming

What would you do?

I would leave it. I imagine his daughter is also hurting right now about the death of her mother.

No one is at fault here - you made a well-intentioned offer of sympathy which was clumsily worded; they are grieving and took it badly. The next time you see them, I would say something like 'I'm sorry I upset you the other day,' and let them lead the conversation from there, if they want to talk.

She really rude. Having lost a loved one is no excuse for that kind of a reaction.

Having lost a loved one is no excuse for that kind of a reaction

It kind of is, though.

Don't sweat it. No doubt she'll be on MN later telling us all how Unreasonable we are for opening our mouths.
She's grieving. He's grieving.

I think the thing to say is 'I'm sorry for your loss'. If there's an actual thing that can console grief.

It's so so common a thing, don't beat yourself up about it. We ask people if they are alright frequently after something has happened, so it seems so natural to say even when the person clearly isn't. She's grieving and hurt and didn't mean it personally.

Could you pop a card though the door apologising for the poor choice of words and (if you'd be up for it) asking if there are allergies/dislikes so you could make a meal for his freezer?

Thanks all, i feel a little better hearing these replies.

She has always been off with me, I am not sure why so I don't think its something she will let go. In the past I would say good morning and just get blanked or a side look. Maybe its best just to nod and smile without saying anything next time.

My partner thinks it was a stupid thing to say, I wish I could just undo it.

We were going to send cards to them both but feel its a little late and to apologise in a card would feel wrong to me

Thanks all

Debruary, I disagree. I don’t know anyone of my family members who would be aggressive and rude to a neighbour in the same situation. So I think it takes an aggressive and rude person to speak like that to someone who was trying to offer a kind word.

I would still send the card. It might be more welcome if it comes after the initial flood of condolence has dried up. Don't include a written apology; just say that you are sorry for their loss and thinking of them.

Oh gosh, I’m sure you feel bad but they’ll have already forgotten a mi or transgression that anyone could make. Don’t worry.

Send some flowers or bake something pop it round say you didn't mean to offend you just wanted to check in and couldn't find the words and your there if they ever need it.

I guess 'Are you ok?' seems a bit prying. The answer is 'Of course I'm not!'
Please don't go sending cards to absolve your guilt of saying the wrong thing. That would be really intrusive.

Bake something. Don't send flowers to a grieving man. Please don't.

You were clearly trying to be kind. Don't beat yourself up about that

I'd just leave them to it. Wtf is with all tgese baking suggestions? Are you mr bloody kipling?! Mn is odd today. She was rude. Don't worry about it. I would just totally back off and leave them to it.

Just leave them alone now to grieve or get on with their lives. Please don't bake anything or take flowers round. I know from experience that they will have forgotten all about you and your comment within minutes
I was on the bus with my old Mum two days after my old Dad had died. An old man got on and greeted my mum and asked my mum "how's [my dad]?" My mum snapped "He's dead". Poor man was mortified and I was cross with my mum but by the time we got home we were giggling about it.

I think it was a very silly thing to say. Why would you say that? Very thoughtless of you. When my son died I had no time for comments like this. Try to be more sincere in future.