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Original poster

Should I leave or try and make it work.

22 replies

Los77 · 05/02/2019 12:11

Hello everyone
Its my first post and my apologies as I do not know all the jargon.

I found out just before xmas that my husband was texting a woman from work. I confronted him after the new year and he said it was just friends and promised that he wouldn't text her again. He also told me a week later that she was no longer working there. We agreed to make it work. I later found that she is still working there, he basically lied to me..he then said that he only lied to me to avoid stress and that he is committed to us. I then found out that he is still texting her....and that he had deleted her number as he knows I check his phone but he knows it and texts her when he is at work, buying her lunch etc and inviting her to go with him to the next work do... we had a big fight and he's now saying that it's all over and giving me his phone to check etc and he wants me to forget about it all and make it work...I don't know what to do. Please help.

OP posts:

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 05/02/2019 12:50

Sorry OP, you're done. He's not going to stop lying, he almost certainly has another phone, and he's really rather thick. This might do better in Relationships.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/02/2019 12:52

He’s continued to lie so that alone would make me think very carefully about any future with him.

Original poster

Los77 · 05/02/2019 13:01

I went to see the GP this morning and I have been prescribed some tablets to help as its been affecting my work am so stressed and crying all the time.

OP posts:

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Relationship problems

GroggyLegs · 05/02/2019 13:22

He's cheated, then lied, then carried on. Of course he wants you to forget all about it, he's a piece of shit, he doesn't want to acknowledge that!

Look at the pain he's causing you. Will you ever be able to trust him in the same way again?

For me, trust comes before love.
Love is the easy bit, but without trust it's hollow.

Original poster

Los77 · 05/02/2019 13:30

now he is calling me at work asking if am ok, whether am eating etc, like he cares.
Yesterday he told me that all my tears are fake, am not depressed just making it up, although he knows ive been to the GP and been given some tablets. He said that I am the one spoiling his life with my paranoia and questions and suspicions. He didn't want me to call my parents..said if I call them, then that's it, there no way back from there for us.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 05/02/2019 13:33

He's given you an ultimatum. Call his bluff.

Original poster

Los77 · 05/02/2019 13:40

Thank you everyone..looks like I need to have a conversation this evening. Lets hope I can have one without crying and appearing weak and pathetic. Ive been with him for 20 years, my parents have emigrated so he knows am kinda on my own and cant really afford to move out.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 05/02/2019 13:48

OP, the texts are suspicious but do you know that he has cheated?
Is there a friend that you could talk to or who you could meet for a bit of a heart to heart?
Do you have children?

I'd think that there is something going on, but it might be a flirtation, crush or emotional affair.
It would be in your interest to find out what your legal rights are should you wish to leave your husband.
I tend to think that most men are dickheads but that's another story.

Original poster

Los77 · 05/02/2019 13:54

We do have a child. He is 9 and all this fighting is affecting him. He starts crying every time we argue. The texts I saw was mostly him running after the woman, inviting her to their next work do, offering to pick her up. He did the lunch run at work and refused to take her money and said that it makes him happy that he can do something for her. Her responses are vague..either she is not interested or she's playing hard to get. One of her messages ended with a kiss.
He says nothing has happened but he gets on well with her and she makes him feel good, have a laugh and a chat....he also said that he could never go any further because of the guilt he feels.
I don't know where his ED fits in all this. We haven't been intimate for a while because he said he has ED but now I am not sure how true this is or if it was just me that doesn't do it for him.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 05/02/2019 14:02

ED is quite common. I'm assuming that he is in his 40s?
It doesn't look good, and you need legal advice. Post under 'Legal' for opinions on here, but you need proper legal advice. Ideally from a family lawyer. I don't know any details. maybe CAB? Legal section may point you in the right direction.

Bear in mind that any 'advice' you get on here is not guaranteed to be wise or helpful. I'm just an observer trying to help.

Whatever happens, you need some help - emotional support, legal advice, and possibly relationship counselling. I would phone your mum too.

Original poster

Los77 · 05/02/2019 14:09

He's 43. I am scared. I am 41 soon and certainly didn't see my life like this. I have a full time job but it will be a struggle. He doesn't want a divorce. I told him that this is his way out and he should grab it but he says he loves us. I don't know what to think anymore.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/02/2019 14:13

No decent married man would be behaving like this OP. I’m not sure whether there is anything going on or that just that he would like there to be.

You have to ask yourself whether you can trust him in the future.

Bodicea · 05/02/2019 14:16

OP I could maybe forgive a flirtation/possible fling if the person was extremely remorseful. But the gaslighting behaviour after he has been caught out sleaks volumes about his character. Trying to make you feel bad and make out it’s your fault/ or in your head is just disgusting behaviour.

Original poster

Los77 · 05/02/2019 14:21

Is it possible for 2 people to love together in the same house but live separate lives? Just for the sake of my son? at least he will still have a home with 2 parents that love it and we can just do separate bedroom. Does anyone think that this may work?

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/02/2019 14:40

I don’t think it could work long term, no. What would happen if either of you started seeing other people for one?

Ring your mum and talk to her OP.

MikeUniformMike · 05/02/2019 14:43

You need proper advice.
You need to know what options are available to you and where you stand legally and financially. You can decide what you want to do when you know where you stand.
Separate bedrooms isn't going to solve anything - you either need to work on your relationship or split.

Original poster

Los77 · 06/02/2019 13:30

He has gone and booked a week end to Paris for my birthday in 3 weeks time to work things out. I don't know what to do!

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 06/02/2019 13:47

You need to get legal and financial advice so that you know where you stand should you decide to leave him.
You need to consider how bad things are and whether or not it would be better for DS to have two parents who live together unhappily or apart.
i'm not saying leave him - I've only seen your posts, but you need an expert to give you advice so that you can make the best decisions for you and your child.

Original poster

Los77 · 06/02/2019 13:48

I have put a post under legal to get more advice on the financial aspect of things, house, savings, debts etc. Hopefully I will get a clearer picture and then be able to make an informed decision.

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 06/02/2019 13:51

Book a couple of solicitors appointments, not just with 1, and proceed with the fact finding mission so you know where you'd really be without him.

Honestly the ED would be the death knell for me. But I appreciate that's pretty unfair of me.

Original poster

Los77 · 06/02/2019 14:00

Tbh, the ED doesn't bother me that much. I think there's more to a relationship than sex, there's other ways of satisfying each other. But the fact that he then said that he doesn't find me sexually attractive, that hurts..and makes me wonder whether he is turning his ED and making it look like its me that's the problem or whether its always been me but he didn't say it and blamed it on ED.

OP posts:

letsdolunch321 · 06/02/2019 14:26

What a selfish bastard man, texting/pampering another woman then turning it back on you.

I would be firstly showing him the door and calling my folks to advise them what has happened.

Take it all day at a time lovely 💐

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