Why is only acceptable to work if you feel guilty about doing so?

[PoffleWaffle]

Seriously, just that. In so many discussions on MN and also in facebook groups/IRL etc the insinuation seems to be that going back to work as a mother is perfectly acceptable as long as (a) you have to out of financial necessity and (b) you feel horribly guilty about doing so.

Neither of these apply to me. My DH is a relatively high earner. I could be a SAHM. I choose to work four days a week a) because I enjoy it b) because it gives me some identity of my own rather than just mummy which I really needed and c) because if my DH loses his job or fucks off I want some financial independence.

This is not a SAHM bashing post. All the respect to SAHPs. But I have no desire to be one and I don't feel bad about working either.

Anyone else?

I don’t see that on here at all.

I had to work when my DCs were younger, but 8 years later circumstances are very different. I left my job when we moved and was a SAHP for 6 months. I was bored shirtless after the first 3 months. I'm now back at work 3 days, not out of necessity, but like you because I need to be doing something.

I'm with you. We could just afford to live without my salary but we like holidays so my salary comes in very handy. I go to work for the same reasons as you & after reading so many threads on here from women being stuck or screwed over I am very keen to retain my financial independence.
I don't feel guilt about working, I think it makes me a better mum because I appreciate the time DD & I have together more because it is more of a treat.

I don’t see that on here at all.

It's not always explicitly said like that but it's often insinuated.

Shitless obvs, not shirtless. I'd have to be really, really bored for that!

I definitely feel like as a mum people expect us to feel bad for working, on here & on Facebook

It's not always explicitly said like that but it's often insinuated.

I probably just don't read the right threads to see it; but are you sure that you aren't reading into it because you feel a bad that you don't feel guilty?

I don't think you should feel guilty, by the way. Nobody should. All this mum shaming should have stopped a long time ago.

I work 21 hours a week and although part of me enjoys it I do feel guilty that I'm not there to pick up my DC from school 3 days a week. Surely that's natural.

I also feel hugely guilty for not moving forward with my career and for being in a lower paid position than I was in pre-motherhood.

Can't get it right. But I can live with myself better knowing I'm there for my DC the majority of the week.

I think Mumsnet is just about the one place where it's fine to say you work because you want to. In fact, people who don't have a career are very much either pitied or looked down on.

I've definitely seen this; it's like you should only want to work the bare minimum you need to and only if you really, really, have to.

I’m not sure I see that on MN either.

Increasingly the message is “don’t give up your job and make yourself financially vulnerable”

The very first thing people say to SAHMs whose husbands are treating them badly is “get a job, make sure you can take care of yourself and your children”

I work full time even though I don’t need to work at all. I feel not the slightest shred of guilt.

Another who doesn’t see that. I don’t need to work (friends have said to me ‘oh it’s such a shame you can’t stay at home’) but I want to. I would go mental as a stay at home mum, and can’t think of anything worse.

Yup, I got fed up stuck at home on maternity leave and went back to work when DD1 was 4 months. I think I’d have died of boredom otherwise. Everyone else my age was out at work all day, nobody was around except pensioners, and my brain was dissolving.
It was pre Internet too, so I couldn’t even contact people online.
I certainly didn’t feel guilty, just relieved I’d been saved from incipient depression!
Also, as DH died 2 years later, before DD2 was a year old, it was just as well I had a regular income.

Yup, see this all the time. Was ranting about it on here just yesterday. OP had dropped her DC off for first day at nursery and was posting about feeling emotional. Fifth reply was "Do you need to need to work", and someone else was along the lines of "Oh god, at that age, I just couldn't".

No one ever posts this bullshit to fathers.

Yes yes and yes. I see it all the time, anyone who comes to defend working mothers 9 times out of 10 will say "many don't have a choice", not defending the choice itself if it has been made.

I too chose to return to work (full time gasp), didn't have to, wanted to, no regrets.

Liv yep, plenty of examples of it on that thread.

I see it all the time, anyone who comes to defend working mothers 9 times out of 10 will say "many don't have a choice", not defending the choice itself if it has been made.

Yes, that's exactly what I mean. While it's great that they are being defended, why is the defence always along those lines?!

Exactly - many do have a choice but chose to work! I'm a single parent but my youngest is only just 5 - I could have chosen not to work for a while or to work part-time but I work full-time and don't feel guilty. I like having plenty of money!

anyone who comes to defend working mothers 9 times out of 10 will say "many don't have a choice", not defending the choice itself if it has been made.

OMFG yes.

I have had this discussion with a dear friend who is a SAHM and we have agreed that the trick to not feeling guilty is to be fully aware of all options and the implications of your choices. This also allows you to respect other people’s choices. What neither of us can cope with is people who jump blindly and then complain about the impact.

While you are right on one level, on another the same types of things are thrown at women who don't work. Like "what about your pension?" and "what if your DH leaves you?" And the old "I would be bored if I was a sahp" which insinuates that if you do enjoy it then you must be a little brain dead!

Sadly, women are not supportive of each other's choices. So then defensiveness sets in with each side then sniping at the other. I would love to see all choices accepted, with no one having to justify themselves and no sniping back and forth. I don't think it's going to happen though!