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Original poster

Age gap in relationships: reposting for traffic

21 replies

gemandjule · 04/02/2019 13:52

Posted already in the Parents of Adult Children topic but keen for more views. Hope that’s not cheeky

I know this is none of my business but I'm curious to hear peoples opinions. This is very theoretical at the moment since I'm just starting to hear some details casually dropped into conversation so may all come to nothing
My DD is 20 and in second year in Uni. She's quite sensible and level headed but her confidence has taken a bit of a battering as a 2 year relationship ended a few months ago. It had been staggering on for about 6 months before he split with her and I think she really regretted not making the first move as he was blowing very hot and cold for those few months.
Anyway, she has now started mentioning a guy who is a year ahead of her in Uni. He's a mature student though and is 30. I know nothing about him really other than that he was in the police before he went back to Uni but I don't want her to get hurt again. Don't worry, I'm saying absolutely nothing to her so please don't accuse me of interfering but I would love to hear peoples views.
If he was settled with a house and job ironically I think I would be more concerned because I feel she would miss out on the chance to travel and have fun as a student if he was very tied down. The fact that he is also a student is in his favour!
Anyone have any thought? Really just turning this over in my head. As I say may all fizzle out into nothing.
I also think she would be better off to stay out of any relationship for a while but that really is interfering so once more biting my tongue wink

OP posts:

formerbabe · 04/02/2019 14:25

She's an adult. What's the problem?

xWallToWallBastardsx · 04/02/2019 14:28

Let her do her thing. Be there for her if it doesn't work out.

Malibucyprus · 04/02/2019 14:29

I met my DD's Dad when I was 19, and he was 28, still living at home with his parents, he had a good job, but hadn't felt the need to move out before meeting me.

The age difference was never an issue for us. But then my current DP is 11 years older, I've never found men the same age as me attractive.

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Dating General relationships

cjt110 · 04/02/2019 14:31

I was 17 when DH and I got together. We have a 14 year age gap. We've travelled to world together.. Bangkok, Maldives, Carribbean....

Been married 7 years this year and together 15 years this year

BowBeau · 04/02/2019 14:34

I wouldn’t have a problem with a 10 year age gap. Maybe 15 or 20 years, but not 10. By the time they’re 30 and 40 there really won’t be so much of a “gap”.

MillytantForceit · 04/02/2019 14:34

There's an age gap in every relationship.

What you want to watch out for is a maturity gap.

Racecardriver · 04/02/2019 14:37

Ten years is a pretty normal age gap and quite frankly it’s not really any of your business. I have a 15 year age gap with DH. We’re both happy and relationship is fairly functional. Tbh I think I would have struggled to date someone my own age seriously at the time that we met (I was 18). I would be a bit at a 30 year old undergrad but there are lots of good reasons for people to delay study until later in life.

LuckyLou7 · 04/02/2019 14:42

My DD is in a relationship with a man 12 years older, divorced with 2 DC. I would prefer her to be in love with a man her own age without an ex-wife and children BUT she's an adult and they are happy together. It's none of my business.

You can have misgivings but there's nothing you can do.

Original poster

gemandjule · 04/02/2019 14:54

@ formerbabe, I’m never quite sure why you think that comment is helpful. Yes she’s an adult, a young adult who. Had just gone through a breakup. I’ve said a number of times that I’ve no intention of getting involved, I’m just mulling it over in my head.
I have adult kids aged 24 to 18. I didn’t stop loving them and wanting them to be happy when they turned 18, I did stop telling them what to do a lot younger than 18. Maybe that’s why they do still discuss things with me.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 04/02/2019 15:01

He's 30...she's 20. It's not a big age gap and they are both students so at a similar stage of their life. I don't understand the concern in relation to the age gap?

Original poster

gemandjule · 04/02/2019 15:12

I’m really not articulating my feelings very well.
I don’t have a concern as such, and I’m fully aware I don’t have any say in this, nor do I want one.
I just wanted opinions from people. Most people don’t see an issue and that’s reassuring. I would love her to have a chance to see the world if she’s so inclined and would be a bit concerned that if she’s with someone 10 years older it might get serious a lot sooner that it would otherwise. Anyway I’ll shut up now because I really seem to be tying myself in knots and antagonizing people

OP posts:

formerbabe · 04/02/2019 15:40

I think you are over estimating the maturity of 30 year olds nowadays. Decades ago, most 30 year olds were living as proper grown ups...nowadays many are living an elongated teenagehood.

Original poster

gemandjule · 04/02/2019 19:24

Totally agree that it’s reassuring that they are at the same stage. The fact that he’s an undergrad at 30 doesn’t bother me at all. He would have gone to university at 27, having worked for a few years in the police and presumably deciding he was interested in this course. I admire that. It’s mental health nursing that they are both studying so I can see how he developed an interest in that from police work.
Anyway, I suspect she’s not looking for a relationship at the moment as she’s only 2 months out of a 2 year relationship so probably all academic. Thanks for the thoughts.

OP posts:

greendale17 · 04/02/2019 19:29

Massive age gaps are no big deal on MN. Everyone has big age gaps- 15, 20, even 25 years! Yeah no problem whatsoever

DorothyZbornak · 04/02/2019 19:36

I was 21 when I met DH. He was 34 at the time. When I was 19 I was going out with a guy who was 31. The age gap in either relationship was never an issue.

Kismetjayn · 04/02/2019 19:38

It depends so much on the people involved. I'm 24 and can't envisage dating the average student, they seem so young when I've been dealing with bills, running a household, studying and raising a child. I'd feel much more settled with someone in their 30s or even 40s who acts like it because as a PP said- and I really like- it's not the age gap, it's the maturity gap. DD's father is my age, and seems so immature to me.

Someone staid & boring who likes playing board games and watching history documentaries, going to museums and things, with a steady career is exactly what I'm after!

If your DD is a fun-lover and her older man is similarly minded- his age won't hold her back. Or perhaps, he might temper her nicely. You'd have to ask her what she liked about him to know that :)

Boom76 · 04/02/2019 19:41

greendale

So what do you think the problem is?

listsandbudgets · 04/02/2019 19:58

I met DP when I was 23 and he was 39.

We've been together nearly 20 years now and we're happy with 2 beautiful children :)

I do understand you being concerned though. Its only for a parent to worry about their children and be protective. Let her go her own way but be there if it all goes wrong - but don't assume that it will

uncomfortablydumb53 · 05/02/2019 00:03

Personally I think it's shared life stages, outlook on life and values are the important factors in any relationship
My Exh was 6 years older
My Oh is 6 years younger

Ribbonsonabox · 05/02/2019 00:15

Age doesn't matter as long as both are adults.... what matters is that they are on the same page and share the same outlook/goals/interests.

My husband is 16 years older than me but when we met we happened to be at very similar points in our lives. This is a first marriage for both of us, we are buying our first house, again for both of us together, we've had children together for the first time for both of us.... so we are having the same experiences/wanting the same things in life.

The age gap between your daughter and her bf probably wont matter that much as they are at similar points in their lives despite it.

EllaEllaE · 05/02/2019 01:15

When I was 20 I went out with a guy who was 30, for about a year. He was a truly wonderful person, who treated me very well. We had a great relationship that I always look back fondly on.

But he was very ready to settle down, have kids, get a house and lots of dogs... whereas I was at the start of my adult life and wanted to travel the world, have as many different experiences as possible, and have different romantic/dating experiences too. I knew at the time he would make a wonderful husband. And he did! He got the dogs/babies/house/marriage he wanted when he met a very lovely lady a year after we split up.

Later, when I was in my 30s and ready to settle down myself, I met my now husband who is the same age as me. I often think that, I already knew what a 'good man' looked like when I met my DH, because of that relationship when I was 20 with someone older.

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