Can't live like this any more.

[noordinaryweirdo]

Am a regular but have NC. And it will be long so apologies.

I have severe anxiety surrounding death and illness. I would say health anxiety except it's not just that, it's fear of death in general. And it's not just me I worry about, it's my loved ones. My DH and DS but most of all for some reason my DM. I worry I have cancer and will die, I worry they have cancer and will die. I worry I/they will die in a car crash. I worry I/they will die in a terrorist attack. I haven't flown since DS (3.5) was born. Every time my DM mentions anything at all to do with her health I go into meltdown and think she must have pancreatic/ovarian/lung cancer (or some other cancer with a crap survival rate).

I cannot read anything to do with health. Any article about someone with cancer, any health campaign (eg the recent smear for smear stuff), any TV programme eg Stand up to cancer, will set me off. I cannot check my breasts any more as they are lumpy anyway and I drive myself mad because I think all the lumps are cancer. I find it very difficult travelling in rush hour due to fear of terrorist attacks. I picture myself falling down the stairs, or choking on a bit of bread or something.

I am 31 years old and I have felt like this for as long as I can remember, from a tiny child. I have no idea why. No one close to me has ever died (yet) nor had a serious illness.

I have tried:

• any and all medications you can think of. You name it, I have taken it. The only thing I haven't tried is diazepam because my GP won't give it to me (I'd wanted to try some for the odd occasion when my anxiety is so severe I literally cannot function)

• Exercise. All forms. Yoga, running, swimming, martial arts, walking.

• Mindfulness and meditation

• Therapy. I've had YEARS of psychotherapy, CBT and just general run of the mill counselling. It helps for a bit (except the CBT, I found that next to useless tbh) and then wears off.

I have an MA in Creative Writing. Writing is the only thing I've ever been good at or really loved and I can't even do that any more because of my anxiety - I can't write anything about death as I feel it is "tempting fate". I'm not even a superstitious person and feeling like this makes me furious with myself.

I am so sick and tired of living my life (or not living my life, as it happens) with this constant fear of losing my loved ones or dying myself hanging over me. I know that worrying isn't going to help or change anything. I know most of my fears are irrational.

I have honestly felt close to suicidal because of this but I am so scared of death obviously I would not actually ever harm myself.

I do not feel able to have a second DC as don't think I can cope with the worry.

This is ruining my life and I don't know how to escape it or what to do.

I think many of these feelings are very common and many mums feel like you so you are not alone. Obviously not everyone suffers to the extent that you do but there will be others out there.
Rather than trying to solve the problem as a whole could you try and break it down a bit and give yourself some acceptance. So for example you can 'allow' yourself a fear of flying and just accept that. Say to yourself it's ok, I won't fly, but we can go on holidays in the uk or by boat. Then leave that one go, it's been dealt with.

But then to balance that maybe you can talk yourself into a breast check even if it's just one or twice a year. Focus not on yourself but say I'm doing this for the benefit of my child so they can continue having their mummy around.

What I mean is, break down the fears separately, allow some and stop feeling guilty over them and then gently deal with one or two of the others. Don't try and solve this problem as a whole, baby steps of progression are worth a lot

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry you're suffering this way, I have health anxiety, every month I diagnose myself with a new cancer. I'm not a hypochondriac as such, because I have a fear of anything medical, wont see my GP etc...but convince myself I'm dying.

I haven't tried medication, but am currently having fortnightly phone therapy sessions, where we talk about ways to deal with my worries. I am a huge worrier, I worry about health (mine & family) I worry about money, my house being clean, work, my kids, my appearance, what other people think of me and so on...

I have no idea whether this will work for me, it doesn't feel enough at the moment, but I'm sticking with it for now. I'm too frightened to see my GP as I know he'll want to send me for blood tests, which will send my anxiety through the roof whilst waiting for results.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, I just wanted to offer my sympathies to you, it's so hard, and it looks as though you've tried a lot of things already.

I now avoid the news (can't read cancer stories, they set me off), I don't google any physical symptoms anymore, and if someone starts talking about their health, I shut down and try to block out what they're saying

for you

@Malibucyprus I think avoiding the news and not googling symptoms is good advice for everyone

I am more of a hypochondriac type of worrier than an avoidant one. I'm always at the doctors.

Luckily my gp is lovely and knows I have anxiety. Always asks me "OK, what are you worried this is?"

Hi OP,

My goodness, I can relate.

I'm going through a rough patch right now and I don't really have advice, but I just wanted to let you know how much I can relate to what you're saying.

As a pp has said, it's actually more common than you might think. Most people aren't going to go round in public announcing it I suppose.

Honestly, I know how horrible that feeling is. Please don't feel like that's it now. Like you've tried everything, so what's the point? There will be something which can make this more manageable.

Don't give up. It might be common, but that doesn't mean you should have to live with it x

I was always told as I got older it would get better. It hasn't. And it's got infinitely worse since DS.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. At least it's not just me but I would not wish this on my worst enemy. for all of you.

Maybe you need to be assessed for OCD. Obsessive thoughts about harm coming to loved ones is a subtype of OCD. The medications are different so there may be hope.

I am pretty sure I have OCD tendencies, no one has ever believed I have OCD however as I don't do the rituals/cleaning etc commonly associated with it

If you look on OCD society type websites, they may have useful advice about how to talk to your Dr about it. Checklists of symptoms that kind of thing.

OCD UK, I think. CBT is still recommended but you'd have a different focus and hopefully better understanding of why you need it.

Dm has been referred for ca125 blood tests to check for ovarian cancer markers as she has stomach pain and bloating.

So I am completely beside myself about that at the moment as you can well imagine, especially as she hasn't bothered to actually go for the bloody things yet.

I can relate to everything you’ve written 100% I feel like it will be the cause of my marriage ending in my case because I can’t get it under control

so sorry to hear that mama. Shit isn't it.

I know it's stopping me enjoying my life but I'm in a catch 22 because every time I start to feel happy I worry I am tempting fate and something awful will happen.

It's almost like I believe worrying about things will stop them actually happening. Obviously that's total bollocks, I know that!!

Yet another evening spent worrying about worse case scenarios

Is there anyway you can manage the amount of time you spend worrying about 'worse case scenarios?' So if you've spent 6 hours yesterday evening can you turn it off after 5 tonight and try and distract yourself with something else. Each day dropping the time 'allowed' on these thoughts