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Original poster

Would/did you get married if you don't like your in-laws?

25 replies

Dyingforchocolate · 03/02/2019 21:02

Just curious about what others think about this or did in this situation.

DP & myself have been together for over 10 years. Own our own home, have dd, generally have a great relationship. Have spoken about marriage before but it's never been at the top or our to do list. Now we have dd I think about it a lot more, would like to have the same surname etc. However I really don't like dps family. They just aren't my type of people at all, are rude, look down their nose at people, are loud and noisy, take religion seriously whereas I don't, just to name a few. Dp isn't like them at all, and isnt overly close to them. So how much of getting married really is marrying in to the family?

Just to make it clear I am very nice to his family, do all the things I'm meant to like birthdays, Christmas, kids parties etc and am always polite to them, they don't treat me like family and have made it clear I am not part of their family.

If we were to get married I would need to have his immediate family there because I couldn't imagine getting married without my parents there, and I wouldn't cause a drama by having my family there and not his.

So what would you do people of mumsnet, get married and put up with it or just live happily as you are now?

I work full time, pay half of the bills, earn pretty much as much as dp, our life insurance is sorted so each other get the house in the event we die etc so there's no real financial reason to get married either, just a part of me would like to make us officially a family. DP is happy to do whatever I want to do.

OP posts:

AgnesNaismith · 03/02/2019 21:05

I don’t like my ILs and I used to regret taking dhs name. I married dh because of him and not his parents.

Mmmhmmokdear · 03/02/2019 21:07

I am not a fan of my ILs. I suspect they don't much like me either. I married DH because it was him I was in love with. I just put up with his parents and siblings.

HollowTalk · 03/02/2019 21:07

You won't need to see them any more than you do if you do marry, will you?

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Marriage & partnerships

Ribbonsonabox · 03/02/2019 21:08

In your situation I would get married. The issue would only be if your DH was very close to his family and expected you to be too... that doesn't sound like the case so I think you will be fine!

Designerenvy · 03/02/2019 21:09

I don't particularly like my in-laws.....don't think your supposed to .... I married him, not his family. Took his name ( cos I prefer it to my own).
I'm polite to his family but not BFF's

purpleboy · 03/02/2019 21:09

Is it just the wedding day itself you are worried about?

I don't see why getting married should change anything regarding his family, how often you see them etc..

If it's just about the wedding, then it depends on how much you want to get married, you sound as though you can get along with them fine so I guess it wouldn't be that much different on your wedding day. Weddings are rarely stress free when it comes to the guest lists, but it depends on how you feel.

I don't think it would make any difference to your relationship with them if you were married, so if it were me I'd do it.

AgnesNaismith · 03/02/2019 21:10

Sorry posted early! I would do what you want to do. You have dd and so they will be in your lives anyway.

When you say you do birthdays/parties etc. Do you mean you send the cards and buy the presents for his family?

Snowmaggedon · 03/02/2019 21:14

I dislike my in laws and dh has been an absolute wuss protecting me from them.

It's been a nightmare I also dislike having taken their name... I wish dh had taken our name tbh

With a small wedding it would be ruined with toxic presence there.
I had it and it marred my dad. In fact they have marred every event they have been invited too.

So not sure op!!

Snowmaggedon · 03/02/2019 21:15

Actually If I did it again I would defiantly not include in laws.
They didn't appreciate it, we don't speak now and that was my wedding day they ruined.

So... I'd do it again without them!!

Fairylightfurore · 03/02/2019 21:16

If you already have kids and aren't planning on splitting up then no reason not to get married. The in-laws are now part of your life if you like it or not. The time to ask this question was probably 8 or 9 years ago. If you disliked them so much then it was probably worth considering walking away and not getting married (but then arguably if that was enough to put you off maybe you shouldn't have been getting married in the first place?)

Original poster

Dyingforchocolate · 03/02/2019 21:16

Thanks everyone. No it wouldn't make much of a difference to our day to day relationship but I sometimes think that if we married I would take his name to have the same name as dd but then I think I would feel a bit daft taking the name when I don't particularly like anyone in the family other than dp & dd!

Yes the actual wedding day worries me too, his family can be very loud and cause a drama, but I suppose for one day I could get over it. It wouldn't be a big wedding any way.

Yes AgnesNaismith I usually organise cards & presents for their birthdays, not because dp expects me too I'm just generally the organised one who does most of the shopping

OP posts:

hendricksy · 03/02/2019 21:17

Yes .. mil is a narcissistic loon .. dh has gone NC now .

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2019 21:20

Mine are utter monsters and didn’t come to our wedding. They’re no part of our lives. My family were there with us as they’re our family and they adore him and him them.

DH is his own person. I love him more everyday and am extraordinarily pleased he’s my husband. He’s not part of that family and while that’s terribly sad, it means he’s happy, at peace, away from toxicity. I wish for him they were decent human beings but we have plenty of people we love, who love and support us and bring positives to our lives.

If you did want to change your name, entirely your call, it’s unlikely they’re the only people in the world with that name, and you’d be joining him, not them.

Original poster

Dyingforchocolate · 03/02/2019 21:26

AnneLovesGilbert I suppose that's true, it is quite a common surname, and it would be for him not them

OP posts:

ArtemesiaDracunculus · 03/02/2019 21:29

Haven't spoken to my MIL in years. She's never had a nice or kind word to say to me, has frequently been rude and spiteful to my face and bitchy behind my back. She's reduced me to tears with things she's said. I don't want anything to do with her.

patientzero · 03/02/2019 21:31

I think your DP not being like them and not being overly close to them makes it important that you do get married (if you want to). If anything dreadful happens, you want to be the one who has the right to make decisions for him and about him.

AnotherEmma · 03/02/2019 21:31

"I sometimes think that if we married I would take his name to have the same name as dd"

Bit late now but you could have given DD your own surname

You could still change her surname

In fact your partner could change his surname to yours

It's 2019 you know

AnotherEmma · 03/02/2019 21:32

Oh and I agree with patientzero. Marriage makes you the legal next of kin and not them.

SuziQ10 · 03/02/2019 21:36

I married my DH last year.
Get on v well with his father but not his mother (they are separated).
I didn't take DH's surname when we married, as he has his mother's name and I don't really like it or want to share that name. I may change my mind in years to come if the relationship improves.

I don't go out of my way to make any effort with MIL but I am polite is she's round. She comes to ours, 25mins away from her once every 6weeks or so and as I work on Saturdays I'm usually not there. I quite like that. I don't feel obligated to be 'friends' with her at all. We're v different.

PerfectPeony · 03/02/2019 21:42

You’re already committed because of your daughter so I think it would be sensible to get married.

I think it’s quite sad you wouldn’t want to marry him because of his family though- my family are a complete nightmare but DH accepts it and has taken on all the extra baggage/ drama that they sometimes cause. You can’t choose your family.

You could elope just the three of you on a beach somewhere if the wedding part is worrying you. Or just have a small wedding in the daytime with no big reception if you really want your parents there.

Echobelly · 03/02/2019 21:49

DH's parents are difficult. Early in my relationship I wondered vaguely if I should bail because could I take being part of the wider family (SIL & BIL are lovely, at least)? But then I figured it hardly seemed fair to him.

I'm someone who always, always tries to look for the best in people and get on with them, but MIL has pushed it sometimes. OTOH, she did get a lot better with me and I did feel much more part of the family once we were engaged - DH said it was similar with his husband's wife, that MIL thawed a bit once she realised it was permanent.

I have also learned that MIL is never OK with everyone all the time - you will sometimes be in her good books and sometimes in the doghouse with her and I've learned not to take that personally.

I also try if she says something critical to think how I would feel if someone I had a better relationship with said that to me. In all honestly there are things for me to learn from MIL. She is sometimes totally over-the-top in what she expects of people but at other times she has a valid point and I find it helps to accept that she's right when she's right. But also to draw the line where you say 'That's just nonsense' because I also have some self respect.

BarSix · 03/02/2019 21:51

It was more a case of them not liking me, as I have never been good enough for their DS.

Which is absolutely tosh, and after 40 years married, I have finally decided that I don't like them either, and have as little to do with them as possible.

Shame really, as they think they can rely on me as a dutiful DIL to provide them with care in their old age. That ship sailed some time ago.

Parthenope · 03/02/2019 21:51

Your relationship with your ILs won’t change on marriage unless you want it to. I married DH after 21 years together, and didn’t tell anyone for ages — we had a very casual ceremony with two witnesses, and while I’m quite fond of his family, I certainly don’t view marriage as a joining of families or anything. I have my own family, and the family I’ve made with DH and DS.

Original poster

Dyingforchocolate · 04/02/2019 13:11

Thanks everyone, I hadn't really thought of the legal next to kin thing. I agree it probably is quite sad that I feel like this, and I really wish I didn't.
It's nice to see everyone else's thoughts on it and how you deal with it. I think I'm finally coming round to the idea that it's ok that we don't get on great and that dh and dd are my family and they don't have any impact on that.

OP posts:

SarahAndQuack · 04/02/2019 13:58

You'd need to re-register your DD if you married anyway, and could change her surname to yours or to a double-barrelled version then?

I was married during my 20s and absolutely adored my MIL - she was just lovely. My current DP's family are another question entirely (and I admit, one of the things that made us stall over marriage was imagining - all too easily - how they'd totally wreck a wedding day for us). But I don't think it should be a deal breaker.

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