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Original poster

I almost took an overdose last night and it really scared me

21 replies

CanIBeHappy · 03/02/2019 10:18

Hello

There were triggers, definitely, but I seemed to go from feeling low and teary, which I'm used to, to completely broken and like I was an utter waste of space and basically, what is the f*ing point?!

I have self harmed in the past and I have always had poor mental health, but I really scared myself last night. I have honestly never got that close.

I just felt like I had been moving one step forward, ten steps back ALWAYS and it hit me like a brick. I stood in the bathroom with my hand full of pills and I was shaking so much, I could hardly stand. I threw them down the toilet and then basically spent the rest of the night trying to come out of a constant panic attack. I have never had them like that before. I really did feel like the walls were closing in and like I could actually die. I was very nearly sick.

I don't want to die. I just felt so sad and everything feels too hard, but what if in that split second, I thought I really did and I hadn't thrown them down the toilet? It's bloody terrifying! I have people who need me, although sometimes I feel they'd be better off without me.

I don't know why I'm posting. I know I need help, but in a weird way, I actually feel slightly better. Like it needed to all explode.

I just want to stop feeling so sad all the time. I want to feel happy, but I don't feel as though I'm allowed to be. I have brief moments where I am and then it disappears and I'm back to either feeling a bit numb or feeling absolutely miserable.

As I say, I don't know why I'm posting really. I suppose it helps to write it down, as this morning I feel like I really need to get on top of this.

I have challenges like everyone else and I want to get some strength back so I don't keep crumbling and failing all the time.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:

hidinginthenightgarden · 03/02/2019 10:23

I think you need to seek some professional support. Sorry you feel so down.

caroloro · 03/02/2019 10:37

Call the put of hours gp number and get to an appointment today.

Original poster

CanIBeHappy · 03/02/2019 10:50

I'm worried for my DC if I do that

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/02/2019 10:53

I would be more worried for your dc if you didn't

Original poster

CanIBeHappy · 03/02/2019 11:14

I've had loads of therapy in the past. Clearly hasn't helped me. I feel as though I'm doomed to be miserable

OP posts:

Whatamuddleduck · 03/02/2019 13:03

You don’t need to worry about what will happen to your dc if you ask for help. Don’t let that stop you.
Being treated for a mental health need or admitting such a need doesn’t mean you are a risk to your children.

As a poster above pointed out, not asked bf for help could be more of a concern. Your family need you.
Make the call, ask for help x

BifsWif · 03/02/2019 13:10

Please ask for help, I promise it is seen as a positive step and nothing will happen with regards to your children.

Make the call, for them x

Original poster

CanIBeHappy · 03/02/2019 13:28

I don't really know who to call. I'm feeling ok today. Drained, but ok. I do know I need help though, as there's really no reason this won't happen again.

The waiting list for therapy on the NHS can be months. Last time I waited 3.

OP posts:

Original poster

CanIBeHappy · 03/02/2019 13:29

Oh and thank you for your messages so far.

OP posts:

HighlandWorrier · 03/02/2019 13:29

Sorry you're feeling so low and it's good you've posted here and I hope someone knowledgeable will come along to give some advice. Didn't want to read and run as I've been low before so know how horrible it is. Have you had your thyroid checked? Before I was diagnosed I had very low moods and unwelcome thoughts my vitamin d level was also low. Feel 100 times better now I'm on medication. Might not be the same problem for you but something to consider. Didn't realise the underactive thyroid could cause you to feel such misery. Good luck hope you get the help you need

tinydancer88 · 03/02/2019 13:46

I would call the out of hours GP and say exactly what you said in your first post OP.

It sounds very scary, but you also sound resilient and tough.

ISaySteadyOn · 03/02/2019 13:51

I get you, OP. There's a Web comic called Hyperbole and a Half that illustrates depression and that feeling well.

Spam88 · 03/02/2019 14:11

Oh OP

I agree with the suggestions of calling out of hours GP. Your DC need their mum healthy, the best thing you can do for them is get medical help. I'm sure if it was a physical health problem you'd have no reservations about getting treated, and mental health problems should be treated just the same.

Original poster

CanIBeHappy · 03/02/2019 14:21

Thank you, Highland

I have heard this a couple of times recently actually, but I always ruled it out because I wasn't overweight and I thought this was one of the main symptoms. A friend of mine told me recently their doctor suspected she had this and she is what I would class underweight. I suppose it would be worth mentioning. I also suffer a lot with horrible repetitive thoughts, although that's not what happened yesterday. I mentioned it to my last therapist and wondered if it was a form of OCD, but they said I didn't need labeling and actually, we just didn't talk about it again. It was my DP who suggested it could be that.

Anyway, I suppose I'm slightly dubious about the whole thing, as I've been in and out therapy since I was 12

OP posts:

HighlandWorrier · 03/02/2019 14:52

It can cause a whole range of symptoms and I was a normal weight too. Definitely worth getting checked out I felt like I was losing my mind before they got to the bottom of it. Hope you are feeling somewhat better this afternoon take care.

Original poster

CanIBeHappy · 03/02/2019 16:42

tiny, ISay and Spam, thank you. I took a while with my last post and hadn't seen yours.

OP posts:

Original poster

CanIBeHappy · 03/02/2019 18:10

Thanks, Highland. I will do

OP posts:

JustForThisFred · 03/02/2019 18:20

💐. I’m sorry you ended up there last night, but very thankful you threw them away. It might be a good move not to have enough in the house that it’s even an option x

Definitely see your GP about Vit D, thyroid and B12 too. Maybe start with those and then talk to them if you feel better doing that.

That therapist sounds like an idiot. I think it’s quite hard to find a good one, but life changing if you do. I think if I wanted to find one I’d start a thread asking for recommendations in my area.

How long have you been with DP and is he one of the good ones or one of your issues?

How old are your DC.

What triggered it last night? If you don’t want to say, then don’t, but is there anything you can put in place so that you have something to help you cope better next time?

Original poster

CanIBeHappy · 04/02/2019 10:52

JustFor, thank you.

I've been with my DP for 6 years and they're one of the good ones.

I have one DC and they're 12. I know a lot of my triggers can come from their difficulties, as they have mild SN and throw puberty into the mix, then it can all get a bit much.

On Saturday I just felt completely overwhelmed and I could feel it bubbling up and then it just boiled over. There were several different triggers, which would probably sound quite trivial tbh

OP posts:

Cailleach · 04/02/2019 12:13

If your children have SN, is there a possibility that you also have an underlying neurological disorder too? It may explain why you find life so hard.

Just a thought.

tinydancer88 · 04/02/2019 12:21

The triggers aren't trivial if they made you feel so awful.
I know when my mental health was been bad, if I described the situation which finally pushed me into facing how low I had gotten, nobody would think much of it by itself, but it's the final straw.
I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

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