Am I Normal?

[Emily920]

Hi Everyone, I need to know if this is normal. Since the day I had my daughter which was 10 months ago, I have completely forgot about myself and everyone and everything around me. At the very start when she was first born, I would find it hard to even brush my teeth in the morning without feeling guilty. It’s not so bad anymore but I do still have this overwhelming feeling that I can’t leave her side for a second! I feel like I’m constantly anxious about her health, wanting to make sure she has everything she needs and never has to wait for it. I give her my full attention all day, every day, and can’t think about anything else other than her! I love her more than anything in this world, and she really does bring me so much joy but I can’t understand how people can go out on the weekend and leave there baby with parents etc or even just let somemkne babysit for an hour because I would be having a panic attack or I just don’t want to do it all. I feel guilty. I don’t want to put the responsibility onto anyone else, she’s my daughter and until she tells me she wants to stay with someone then i won’t leave her. I work part-time and it breaks my heart everyday that I can’t be with her. I’ve lost a lot of friends since becoming a mum, not because they haven’t tried, but because I havent! I have no interest in anything other than my daughter. Please tell me this is normal? Thank you

It's pretty normal for the first year or two. Stay aware of it and try to push your boundaries a bit after she's a bit older. I had a really hard time leaving mine too.

This is your first I'm guessing.

@missconductUS yes it is! I had a really hard time with her when she was first born, for 3 months she didn’t stop crying!! She had colic and reflux and I felt like it was a constant battle and it completely overwhelmed me because it wasn’t what I expected! However, she is now the happiest little girl ever and I couldn’t be more proud. I wounder if it’s got anything to do with the first 3 months? X

It could easily be because she had such a rough start, you had to be on guard every second and it's hard to get out of that habit.

Now that she's doing better, you'll learn to "trust" more that she's okay.

By the way, they all cry a lot for the first few months. Drove me batty too. I have two, an older boy who just went off to uni this year and a DD who's 17 now. Both are lovely young people.

You'll both be fine.

You sound like a heartbreakingly, lovely, loving, brilliant mum to me. That's going to take a lot out of you. Don't feel guilty. You will get there. I had a reflux baby too. Hardest time of my life.

I was very anxious for the first 12 months after both of my DC were born. Second time around I knew what it was which helped a lot, but both times I found it exhausting & I have sympathy for anyone who has to tackle anxiety as part of their everyday life.

Mine gradually ebbed away. Hopefully it will be the same for you, but it certainly doesn't hurt to keep an eye on it and discuss with your GP if you are concerned.

I'm exactly the same and I think it's normal. They are little for such a short space of time that a few sacrifices here and there is totally worth it I think

Thank you @summerhouse! Such a lovely thing to say.

I am glad some of you are saying it’s normal, I think I might compare myself to the wrong people some times! I look at other mums of babies the same age, and they look amazing and it genuinely looks like they have spent a good hour in the morning getting ready. I can’t even look through my wardrobe without completely throwing the towel in and just putting anything I find on because it’s taking too long. I always swore I wouldn’t forget about myself if I became a parent but I have and not just me but everything around me. I can’t anything 100% my attention unless it’s my daughter because she’s always on my mind. I’m scared it’s going to hinder my work and I sometimes think, will I ever be that career person again? I just don’t have the desire to even work, I only do it because I have to financially. I used to really enjoy work and people at work have even notices I have changed and I’m not interested anymore x

Personally this sounds like a tad too much guilt to me, but maybe it will fade off as she becomes less dependent?

I'd always advise making time for yourself, but I'm one of those people whose never had much parental guilt. I can tell you that I haven't given all my time and attention to my kids and they both love me and say to others unprompted that they know they are loved by their parents.

I'd just say to remember that kids are resilient... there's not some slippery continuum from more relaxed parent to neglectful, damaging one. As long as you care and do think about how you are parenting, you are doing it right, you don't have to be perfect and you don't have to give your whole life to them for them to be happy, safe and loved.

For me that wouldn't sound normal but each to their own! I work full time as a teacher and adore my twins (who are now 11) but I always loved to balance my life between being "mum" and having a social life. I would die for my children but I also love getting away for a night with my husband or meeting my friends for dinner. Each to their own! I'd just make sure you don't lose all your friends as you'll need them in the future.

Don’t get me wrong, I would absolutely love to be able to go out with my partner for the evening or even just to get ready in the morning without feeling guilty that she’s playing on her own and I’m taking too long. I just know if I ever did that, guilt would make me feel terrible. I’d feel guilty for leaving her, and I’d feel guilty on the person I’m leaving her with because I wouldn’t want to put the responsibility onto anyone else. I always worry that if I leave her she would wounder where I am and if I’m coming back and I would never want her to feel like that. Maybe I’m just being stupid but this is real for me and genuinely gets me upset! X

Honestly, that amount of severe guilt doesn't sound rational at all. I would wonder if you're suffering from anxiety or even OCD. The fact that you'd like a more normal, relaxed experience of motherhood says to me that you know this isn't the norm.

I'm sitting here snuggled up with my 11 Year olds and can honestly say we have the closest, best relationship ever. But I went away with my husband for weekends once or twice a year, and their granny and grandad minded them. This had absolutely no effect on them or our relationship. They know I adore them, but we all have our own interests too. Your baby will at some stage have to learn that when you leave you always come back. It's a stage of development that prevents attachment issues.

I didn’t think it was normal at all because I see other parents looking after themselves and spending time away from the baby. Not that I judged them for that but I would always ask how? And if I am just over protective? Turns out, there the normal ones and I’m the obsessive parent! I remember when I pregnant, I said that I was going to be such a laid back mum haha!! Oh how wrong I was 🙈 I’m the opposite of everything I wanted to be! X

I guess you might need to get to the bottom of why you are feeling all this anxiety and guilt... Does it spring from your own childhood? I know my friend's wife was like this with her two children, but I always put it down to her own mother having died when she was 13. If it was me, I think I'd seek a little counselling for the irrational thoughts... I hope you haven't taken offence by what I've said, your child is lucky to have such a loving mother but I suppose it wouldn't be too healthy for either of you to feel smothered or guilty as she grows older... And let's face it, it's nice to have fun too, as well as being responsible all the time!

I remember thinking while pregnant that I wouldn't be "mum" I was thinking I might just have my child call me by my name. I was "mummy" from day 1! I was totally obsessed and overwhelmed. I was very anxious and used Dettol wipes on things like door handles and the remote control. I was terrified about health and had some intrusive thoughts about harm coming to my baby. I have a 6 and 9 year old now. Still not interested in a career. I have a very good job but no ambition to be full time or progress. I never wear make up and cloths are just whatever is easiest.

I have amazing friends and find socializing easier than ever in my life.

There is no "normal" normal.

Just be kind to yourself and try to put yourself first sometimes.

You are doing amazing.

I think it would be worth seeking a bit of support with this. I was really focussed on my babies, especially my first. But not to the overwhelming extent that you describe. Be kind to yourself, it sounds as though you need a bit of gentleness. Ask your partner to support you and maybe have a chat to your GP?

I really don’t know where the guilt comes from. It is a massive part of this problem though! Like I said, I had a whole different idea of parenthood and what time of parent I would be until she actuallly arrived, then all these emotions and guilt just started flooding in! It sounds stupid but I feel guilty asking my partner (her dad) to watch her whilst I get in the shower or even go to the toilet 🙈 I don’t know how to change it!! I don’t want to be like this but I can’t help it x

Does your partner mind?

No, he always tells me to go and get ready and he will entertain her. I just feel like it’s my job 24/7 and I don’t want to feel like that! If it was as easy as just switching a part of my brain off I would do it but I feel like it’s a lot more deeper than that and I’m yet to work it out x

Small steps OP. I feel the guilt but now I do it anyway. Recently I went away for a three day bike ride. The boys were fine and it was good for all of us. But no way on earth could I have done that a few years ago.

I mean does he mind that you don't want to leave him with her? My husband would get frustrated if he felt I didn't see him as just as important as me in looking after our children.

@summerhouse that sounds just like me! But without the socialising, well I say that but I go to play groups and baby classes but as for the friends I had before I was pregnant, there pretty much none existent.they have tried to make the effort but I just never seem to have time to talk, or I find the conversations boring!

Thank you for shining a little light on the situation lol x

He looks after her 3 days a week whilst I’m at work 9-5.. so I have no problem him looking after her then but when it comes to me doing anything for myself I feel guilty! X

Ah no, you've got to look after yourself! We only get one life!

You must make sure you do something for yourself. It doesn't have to be a major night out hobby think but just little things to show your baby that you are 'you' and not just 'mummy'. Here is a small example. Go to the library. Read some baby books together, say "shall we take some home?" and then say "Let's choose Mummy a book too" and carry her to the adult section. Look at the books and chat about what you are doing "ooh a new Sophie Kinsella - Mummy wants to read that". She won't understand it much yet at her age but it shows her that you are you and sometimes we will be doing things that aren't completely for her and about her. Hopefully you will start to feel less guilty about doing things for yourself because she has learned that sometimes Mummy is off doing her thing and that is just fine. Does that make some sense? Good Luck.