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Original poster

How do you explain to a child that they may not see their dad again

27 replies

PascoeG · 02/02/2019 16:20

It's looking increasingly likely that DD's father is not going to see her again. They have had regular contact for 4 years. However in the last year this has deteriorated and 3 weeks ago we had an argument. I said we would need to go to mediation to sort it out. He text me and said you will hear from my solicitor.

He hasn't turned up for any contact since then. He has blocked my number and I expect my email too. DD has tried facetiming him as she usually does each night. He hasn't picked up once. I messaged his mum (cold fish at the best of times) and asked her to pass a message on to him to say I have mediation booked. She didn't reply and I text again to say 'did he get the message' she just replied 'yes'.

I'm fobbing DD off atm with 'daddy is very busy at work'. What can I do here to make it easier for her. She was seeing him 3 times a week beforehand.

OP posts:
Original poster
PascoeG · 02/02/2019 16:21

Sorry should have said DD is 5.

OP posts:
Bumblebee39 · 02/02/2019 16:24

I don't think he's necessarily never going to see her again though is he?
It's a different conversation depending on the expected outcome. This sounds like your having a disagreement that might cool off in which case I'd explain to her that she can't see him at the moment

I have had to have a different conversation with mine. Where they will not ever be seeing ex again due to domestic violence and safety concerns. I don't think you're there yet?

PestymcPestFace · 02/02/2019 16:25

You don't explain it to her. She is five. He father is having a tantrum. You just tell her that daddy is busy and still loves her.

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Snowmaggedon · 02/02/2019 16:27

Agree you don't say anything. Maybe daddy has flu and can't speak. Behind the scenes you let rip that this is a 5 year old who is used to seeing dad.

Original poster
PascoeG · 02/02/2019 16:31

I can't let rip or even speak to him. All avenues of conversation are blocked. This is so unlike him. He does have a new partner which may explain some of it.

This is a man who would never miss contact in the beginning, to not speak to DD for three weeks is unbelievable. If she ended up in hospital today I wouldn't even be able to let him know.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 02/02/2019 16:32

After 3 weeks you don't need to say anything because you don't know he won't see her again.

Just tell her he is busy and then distract with something else. There's no need for a grand announcement about it that will just bring questions you don't have answers too. If he's going down the route of court, solicitors and mediation it'll take longer than 3 weeks to sort.

Snowmaggedon · 02/02/2019 16:34

Fine don't let rip then.. But you would be utterly on the wrong to tell her she may never see her dad again..
That would be deeply awful damaging thing to do... Do you really think this is it!!

When he does contact you.. Then let rip. But for now gently distract and bat it away.

lalalalyra · 02/02/2019 16:34

If she ended up in hospital today I wouldn't even be able to let him know.

You'd be able to let his Mum know and she could let him know.

And that's his lookout. My ex has blocked me and both of our DD's because he's a knob. If anything happened to either of the girls there wold be a delay in him knowing because I'd have to go through his family, but that would be his problem.

Don't borrow trouble that is his.

Original poster
PascoeG · 02/02/2019 16:35

If he had been to a solicitor as he said he was three weeks ago, I presume I would have heard by now.

DD is going to need something better than 'he is busy' when she asks to call him everynight. It's been part of her bedtime routine for years.

OP posts:
Original poster
PascoeG · 02/02/2019 16:36

I should have explained better. I don't mean to tell her today she won't be seeing him again, but I do need something a bit more robust than he's busy.

OP posts:
MissMalice · 02/02/2019 16:40

What was the argument?

Original poster
PascoeG · 02/02/2019 16:42

@MissMalice, started not turning up on time, cancelling last minute, bringing DD back early, she was coming home dirty and not had dinner etc etc. He didn't turn up twice in a row and we had a row about it. I said we would need to go to mediation to get things sorted properly. That was that.

OP posts:
ImNotKitten · 02/02/2019 16:46

What a horrible person he is to just leave his DD like that. Agree that it’s too early to tell her she won’t see him ever again, but seriously, what a specimen he is to behave like this.

Lifeofsmiley · 02/02/2019 16:58

In the initial stages I would say daddy has flu or something that could explain the initial abscence, however as time goes on and he doesn’t get back in touch then I’d be more honest in terms she understands and say daddy not stopped getting in touch, not answering phone etc.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 02/02/2019 17:00

Your poor DD.

I think you need to reply to her questions with “I don’t know but hopefully it will be soon.”

Missingstreetlife · 02/02/2019 17:01

Well I guess he will be back when his ardour cools. Leave him to it for a while. Your poor dc will be confused, you can't say much xcept daddy hasn't told you why he isn't there. What a toerag

SanFranBear · 02/02/2019 17:04

Physical contact, perhaps not but to not let her face time Sad

What a cunt

SnapCackleFlop · 02/02/2019 17:08

Sorry you're going through this, he really sounds like a prick and it's shit that whatever fight he had with you or whatever else is going on for him is more important to him than his daughter.

It sounds like you're doing your best and I hope things work out for you and your daughter. Flowers

bengalcat · 02/02/2019 17:09

I suggest you see a solicitor yourself . Am guessing you’ve been separated for four years and as contact has dropped off the last year that coinicides with his new relationship . No need to tell your daughter she won’t be seeing Daddy again at present - am guessing there is something about the ‘ current / recent previous ‘ contact that no longer works . My rationale for saying she won’t see her Daddy again at present is essentially because that’s unlikely to be the case - if he says you will hear from his solicitor then presumably he does indeed wish to see his daughter but is unhappy about the current arrangements and is clearly unable to. Reach this or discuss with you . Am taking no sides at all here and of course don’t have enough information but can say that if anything goes legal a court will always have a child’s best interests at heart and unless it would be harmful for a child not to see a parent will always take the view that contact with both parents is in a child’s best interests . Sorry you’re having a shit time .

MakeItAmazing · 02/02/2019 17:10

Did you really need to threaten mediation? Couldn't you have asked him why he was suddenly being late etc when he had been an attentive father previously? Not just immediately make things more dramatic.

abbsisspartacus · 02/02/2019 17:15

Since when is mediation a threat? I would think it's sensible

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 02/02/2019 17:16

Oh pascoe it sounds exactly like how my Dd’s father was at the end of his contact-he hasn’t been a part of her life for 10 years now, we tried to reinstate contact just before she turned 13-it went fucking badly too-he was no more interested in her at 13 than he was at 4.
He started bringing her back dirty, early and letting her down when he was supposed to be coming when she was 3. It went to nothing within about 3 weeks.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 02/02/2019 17:23

Have no idea at all why OP is getting it in the neck for her ex being a shite of a man.

I would tell your dd that daddy is away for a little while and you don't know when he'll be back. Try to be honest, within reason. I wouldn't say he's busy, that's a slap in the face even at 5.

Reassure her how much you love her. Poor girl.

abbsisspartacus · 02/02/2019 17:28

Trouble with the internet? Phone problems?

Tell his dopey mother he needs to take his daughters calls no reasonable court will look kindly on a man who dumps his daughter like this

CowJumping · 02/02/2019 17:36

He will reap what he sows.