If you lost an adult sibling while your parents were still alive...

[StyleKiller]

... how has it affected your relationship with your parents?

Two years ago my sister (in her 20s) died in a horrible, traumatic way.

I feel like it broke me, though I'm getting on with things.

Obviously, my parents are completely floored. I try to help, but it's hard.

What I hadn't anticipated is the ways it's affected my relationship with them. Having been as doting and involved as parents can be, they have drifted away and sort of lost interest in me and my kids. I get it - they are deep in grief - but it just hurts. It feels selfish, self pitying and ridiculous to even write it, but I know I can never be enough now, and hate that nothing I can do can make them feel any better.

Has anyone else experienced similar?

Sorry for your loss.
I lost my sister, as an adult, so opened the thread to see if I could offer any support, but my parents then both dies shortly afterwards, so I can't compare situations.
One thing I found, is that, when you have small dc, you have to just carry on. Yes, you grieve and yes you have times when it all seems too much, but most of the time you are busy and occupied, so it doesn't overwhelm you. For your parents however, they have much more time - and then the grief fills up their life even more. Plus of course, they have lost a child, and there is something so terrible about losing a child it just overwhelms you.
Plus, I wonder if they see bits of your sister, in their Grandchildren?

@Backforgood , I'm very sorry for your loss too.

I think you're spot on in everything you say. The grandkids remind them of her, and everything I get to do in my life reminds them of things which she won't.

It sounds so selfish, but I find it really hard not to see them be happy for/with me like they used to.

Thank you for replying

Of course you are feeling it Don’t feel bad
Not only have you had to deal with the loss of your sister but you also so have to deal with the loss of a normal relationship with your parents.

Life is bloody unfair at times. I dont know what to suggest other than try to enjoy your children as much as you can. Keep reaching out and maybe in time things will slowly become easier for all of you.

I lost a grown sister when I was ten. My parents visibly aged overnight. I will say that when the grandkids came along, the resemblance to my sister was a joy rather than a pain.

My brother killed himself in his early 20s, nearly 15 years ago.
As mentioned above, my parents aged significantly almost immediately. But many years later, they dont seem to have continued aging, and their friends have caught up, and indeed overtaken them.

iirc, it took about 5 years for the shell shocked overwhelming grief to subside. It is still there, but much more subdued these days. Everyone needs time to grieve, time to heal, time to adjust to the new environment. You will get a relationship with your parents, but it may well evolve from its previous forms.

Exactly the same experience here. My sister died (also in horrible, shocking way) about 10y ago. We were a very, small close family. My parents were devestated, utterly crushed, it was awful to watch, But they really ‘encouraged’ me to get back to work and push on with life because I needed to move forwards.
Then I had DC a few years ago and thought it would draw the family together but it didn’t. My DF tries hard but my DM seems so disinterested, so bitter and passive aggressive about everything. I just feel rather sad and quite often angry about it. I feel they’ve let me down. They have always been then for me but now when I do need them they’re not there. I feel awful thinking this because I’m an adult and shouldn’t be so childish.

Thank you for being kind, @madeyemoodysmum

@barkingfly and @anonononon - yes to the ageing thing. My parents have undergone a huge step change. Reassuring to hear that this might be a one-off drop rather than ongoing trajectory, @anonononon. It was suicide for my sister, too, which has specific shock factors attached, doesn't it?
@ItsMyIssue, I'm nodding away at your post. It's hard, and the guilt for feeling childish about these things makes it worse.

So sorry to everyone on this thread whose sibling has died . The impact is so much more far-reaching than the direct grief for your sibling (which is bad enough), isn't it?