**Contains distressing content** I don't know if it's a memory. **Thread title edited by MNHQ**

[jade19]

My parents split up when I was 6 and pretty much from then on I would stay with my father at weekends. As I got older I had a close relationship with my father.
When I was 17 I stayed at my dad's for the evening. ( I think it may have been after seeing friends. I'm not quite sure. it was a while ago and I'm 23 now.)
If I stayed at my dad's and he had a glass of wine in the evening I would also be allowed to have one. I had a glass of red wine which tends to make me very tired. I remember feeling really tired so we went to bed. Here's where my torment comes in.
I have a very vivid 5 second 'memory' of waking up to my dad laying on top of me and kissing me. I remember thinking what the f@*k and then drifting off. I then woke up a few hours later with a start.
Heres my issue, I don't know if what I 'remember' is a memory or if it was a very vivid dream. For a few years I pushed thia image to the back of my head and never really thought about it until recently.
I have never admitted this to anyone else before but I just don't know what to do. Obviously there would be no prooth of he did do anything.
I'm essentially writing this on here because I need to get it off my chest so maybe I can forget it and move on .

Oh sweetheart, I don’t know. Is there anyone you could talk to in real life?

You poor thing Are there any other red flags where your dad is concerned? Do you remember why you were in the bed together? Was that a normal thing?

I also have this with a close relative op. I have a memory of when I was a little girl this male relative doing oral sex on me and then trying to make me give him oral.

I can’t even say how long I have had this memory but it’s been since I was a girl and like you I don’t know if it happened or if it was a dream. It’s horrible

And it’s like you said you can’t report it as you don’t even know if it is real yourself. My relative had 3 girls now and I do keep thinking what if it was real but I just don’t know

Booksaremyonlyfriends I would sleep on a pull out sofa in the front room. As far as i am aware no red flags. Just this one memory xx

wigwamabm I'm so Sorry! I have come to the realisation that I will just have to live with it. I hope your coping as well as you can with it. Thank you for not calling me crazy guys!!

I am coping with it and have talked if over with a psychologist to try and make peace with it as I know I can never discuss it with anyone else. It has helped.

I hope you manage to get past this but it’s a horrible feeling it really is
PM me if you need too

Thread needs a trigger warning. Have asked MNHQ to edit the title.

I have something similar, a one off 'memory' that is quite fuzzy and I dont know if it was a memory or a dream. I must have been under 10 and I'm nearly 30s. I have no other red flags and this relative has been around many other young children with nobody raising any concerns but it does torment me if I think of it. I tend to push it down too. I often wonder if I can really have dreamt what I did, but I also can't really picture them doing it so...who knows. Sorry that's no help, but I also wanted to get it off my chest and have never told anybody this or written it down before

Good one, gin drinking

I hope, by talking together, you ladies find some comfort

Would you consider hypnotherapy? I know it can be controversial, but it's a 'memory' you already have, so not quite the same as 'recovered memory syndrome'.

Unfortunately I'm in the US so don't know what direction to point you in. Here you'd see a psychiatrist or psychologist (not just a 'counselor') first who would refer you to a reputable hypnotherapist.

I too have questions, but about something that I know did happen when I was a child. I just don't know how many times or how far it actually went as I only have flashes of the actual molestation. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who can't be hypnotized.

A big part of me thinks it true because I have had this “memory” before I had any idea about sex at all.

The relative at the time would have been 12 years old.