How do you tell DH when something isn’t right/ok

[Bullnoway]

DH and I are really struggling at the moment. And part of the problem is communication. I grew up in a house where nothing was ever said. So I really don’t have experience with having difficult conversations.
I fully understand that he will have things about me which annoy/ upset him. But if we want to make things better we have to start talking. So - how do you say when something isn’t ok. For example, if you’ve spend ages cleaning and they trash the kitchen. Or if they’re being moody and rude. Or if they blank you when you’re speaking*. Whatever it is - what do you say? And how do you feel about the uncomfortableness of having said it? And how do you deal with the worry that maybe you are being unreasonable, even if you’re really sure that you’re not?

*these are trivial examples - there are obviously some more significant ones but I’m not listing them because they are outing.

Bump. Could really use some advice.

To be honest I'd just say exactly what was bothering me. If dh trashed the kitchen I'd go mad! If he's being moody I tell him! I don't worry that I'm being unreasonable if I know I'm not.

But I'm not this will help you. It sounds as if you don't have the confidence to say how you feel. Is it just because of your history or are you afraid of your dh? Your post makes it sound as though you are treading on eggshells a bit.

I know it’s a bit textbook psychology but I do find it helpful to talk about these things by saying “i was hurt when you trashed you kitchen because I’d spent so much time cleaning it” rather than launching into having a go. It helps for my DH to understand why I’m upset eg. It hurts my feelings when you leave mess behind you as it makes me feel like my time is less important than yours”.
If DH and I are really struggling sometimes it helps to text him how I feel as it gives him time to digest it rather than go straight to the defensive

We just talk, if you can't speak to your partner then there's something wrong.
You aren't a child anymore and you need to realise that you are now in a position where things are to be discussed.
it's not normal to go through life where nothing is ever said.
Just talk to him when you have something to say.

Let's take the kitchen incident. What did you say to him (either recently or in the past) and how did he respond?

Set some time aside to talk. Make it clear that’s what you’re doing. That way you won’t feel like you missed your chance by not saying anything at the time.

Set out the basics: “Earlier on today I’d just cleaned the whole kitchen, so it made me feel (angry/upset/unappreciated) when you came in and threw pasta sauce everywhere (or wherever he did).”

Wait for an answer. If you feel uncomfortable raising it don’t feel compelled to pad out the silence with “but I’m sure you didn’t mean to and I love you really and I don’t want to upset you” etc.

Remind yourself that you have every right to tell him that something he did made you feel upset or whatever. It won’t lead to instant divorce, it doesn’t mean you’re being cruel to him.

If you don't say something, he won't realise anything's wrong, and nothing will change.

It’s helpful to remember that it’s ok to say something. I suppose - with the kitchen as a metaphor - I feel like it undervalued my efforts to trash it and he feels like it’s not reasonable to want things to be tidy.

I’m not stepping on eggshells - although he is very moody - I have never really been able to tell anyone how I feel.

I’d like to be able to say in the moment so it doesn’t build up and is just dealt with at the time. I think he might be very selfish though.

My boyfriend is like this. He internalises everything. It's very frustrating, I can't know anything is wrong unless he tells me. We've had a lot of counselling to try to bridge the communication gap and it has helped. Maybe go to couples counselling?

I'd also suggest talking about one issue - discussing it, moving past it, and then cuddling and going to sleep. If you don't have much practice opening up, it can sometimes all build up and then "conversation" becomes code for unloading a WHOLE bunch of grievances all in one go.
So "Hey, I know you're just trying to make us dinner, but I find it frustrating when I've spent time sorting out the kitchen, and it ends up in a mess again. Can we either say one of us cooks and the other cleans on an alternate basis / per a rota, or the person who cooks should clean up after them?" And then discuss it, sort it out, and then move on to something more pleasant.
This presupposes that your partner is a reasonable person who doesn't launch into an attack on you. Start small - learning to argue and communicate in a healthy manner is a skill you need to build. Sometimes initially people just lash out and it's not productive, but doesn't mean each person is necessarily a vindictive asshole - it just means we need some practice.
And once a few conversations go well - in that something is addressed (doesn't have to be perfect), and you can still go out for a walk / hold hands etc, then conversations don't need to be so fraught.