Why are some people so mean with praise and recognition

[LardLizard]

Is it that they lack generousisty

They're possibly just shy

Yes I think they lack generosity. Its very common in managers, bizarrely

I wouldn't discount shyness. That or not thinking it is needed or welcomed. I used to think people know when they do a good job and saying something is just unnecessary to the point of unwelcome butting in, but if you think that then you generally only ever end up saying something when they don't do a good job - and then all they've ever heard from you is negative feedback.

At my current job, I make a point to give unsolicited feedback on something that's good, especially if it's a change where I particularly want that behaviour to continue or develop. It helps no end. We are super busy, communicate mostly by email and I have a formal style, so I'm conscious of mitigating it in case I come across too abrupt. We work much better together if colleagues have confidence that their skills are appreciated. (It's really encouraged at my workplace to give good feedback. Most of our projects are team projects where there is a nominated representative on the team from each of several divisions, so you work very closely with people outside your reporting line, and the normal management stuff is done by someone who's not on the project - so it's good to have something showing how you've performed during that task.)

My dad is like this. Rarely commented when I did something well but was very quick to criticise when I did something wrong in his eyes. I always remember when I came second in a chemistry quiz when I was 12 and was really excited and my dad's response was that's nice but it's not first is it? Next time go for first Seline and then we can celebrate.

It used to make me think he hated me but as I've got older I've realised it's because he's a perfectionist and sets unreasonably high standards for himself and others. So that's sometimes why.

My mother. I think she is competitive. She couldn't find anything nice to say about my new house (Or my kids!). It's quite hurtful.

Son I don't think it's that because he's as hard on himself as he is on me, and everyone else. He's very uncomfortable with social affection. He rarely hugged me as a child too.

However he always provided for me and still helps me financially and if I ever needed anything at all he's always there. It's just his way.

Selene my dh can be like that with the dc
He thinks it s a bit of a joke
And he will say well done but he will also say who came first then

I’ll tell him he’s wrong and it’s not about winning everything and of you give the dc that mindset they won’t try n do there best as they will not want to fail

Some people just never seem satisfied with anything always always wanting more

LardLizard for ages it made me afraid of trying as I thought well my dad will be disappointed with me anyway so why bother. I still suffer with imposter syndrome because of it. I can rationalise it now but it was very upsetting.

Seline, it’s such a shame he was this way as I bet his he had said to you wow hats great, you must have worked so hard
It would have encouraged you to keep up the good work
Rather than doing the opposite

Dh can be like this about sport stuff
The mentally of the only option is to win

I try n explain no-its about taking part, being part of it and doing your own personal best
It really annoys me

LardLizard yes exactly. He's very competitive, the sort who will flip the monopoly board. I've inherited that streak but I'm more balanced and teach my dc that it's okay to not be the best at everything

I think competitiveness too

I think for some people to acknowledge that someone else has done well makes them feel in some way depleted.

I saw it a lot in teaching. If you said a certain difficult pupil was good for you, some colleagues would say, 'Oh yes, well, that's because I put a rocket up his arse earlier/it's her birthday on Friday and her mum has warned her she won't get her present if she doesn't behave/he's on a final warning for Prom'.

You rarely get a 'Nice one, he was a pain in the arse for me'.

Funny really, given the nature of the job.

Yes I think competitiveness is definitely a factor

Interesting, DD has gently moved friend groups and it's really noticeable with recent mid term test results. From one, very clever but unpleasant, old friend "we were n't taught that properly" and "wait till next time"
From new mixed age and sex friend group " well done you must have revised a lot"
I have particularly lavished praise on DD for having the courage to seek kind friends

I agree, it’s competitiveness and a mean spirit.

No one is too shy to say “ well done “ . It’s really not hard.

. The inability to give out praise shows lack of confidence

I've experienced the opposite of this I work with someone who constantly demands praise for things that are routine or they have chosen to do, often attempting to solicit praise (without being outing) from people who aren't and shouldn't be made to feel responsible for validity her endless desire for attention.

It is draining as fuck to be honest

*validating

I think some people just seem to constantly see the negative and the down and seem to feel it shows weakness

It's sad really, where DC are concerned I can't think of a reason why you would not support and be positive

However as someone said above about managers ...total rubbish , I'm a senior manager and praise heavily whenever I see good work but it's amazing the crap and stupid complaints we get coming through and expectations that people receive awards for just doing their jobs....that they get paid for

I had an expectation from someone I should have said thank you...for turning up to a scheduled shift that was within normal working hours and that they got paid for ....erm no

In the workplace I wounded if people without prize for fear of the praise goign tot the persons head
Which is also a shame Really

Df was always one to say "what happened to the 1%" but the way he said it you could see that he was swelling with pride really. Just in the same way if you said "have a good day" when he went to work, he'd say either "I won't" or "I'll try", which is quite funny because that's what dd1 says without having heard him ever.

One of dh's family never praises others, and if others are praising (except him) he'll try and change the subject or deflect attention. I think it's partially jealousy and partially he really does believe that he should always be the centre of attention. He even does it if someone reads something in the media positive about a celebrity. Actually now I think about it, that's quite sad really.

I've experienced the opposite of this I work with someone who constantly demands praise for things that are routine or they have chosen to do, often attempting to solicit praise (without being outing) from people who aren't and shouldn't be made to feel responsible for validity her endless desire for attention.
It is draining as fuck to be honest

^^This.

I work with someone like this, and I go out of my way to never give her praise. I feel like saying “what do you want, a pat on the back?”, but I don’t. I ignore her.