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Original poster

Am I a terrible mum?

23 replies

WhoNose21 · 30/01/2019 18:47

Just after some advice. DS goes to his dads house on a Saturday. He picks him up at 8am and comes back Sunday. He’s been invited to several birthday parties this year (he’s in year 2) but has always said he’d rather go see his dad. His dad lives about a hour away so he doesn’t see him in the week.

Today he has been invited to a party at 4.30 this Saturday. I have made plans this weekend with my partner to go and visit his brother (3 hours away) and we have an event booked. My mum picked ds up from school today and rang me about the invitation. I said oh what a shame, I’m away that day (plus I think it is slightly short notice) and ds is at his dads. She has had such a go at me, calling me selfish and that this is the first party he has wanted to go to this year and I need to get my priorities straight. I’ve spoken to ds and he is disappointed but excited about going his dads. But my mother has a knack for making me feel terrible and now it’s playing on my mind and feel like I’m letting ds down so much. Am I being a terrible mother? If I’d have had more notice I would have cause taken him the party but I now have plans and his dad is looking forward to seeing him.

Please be gently

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoNose21 · 30/01/2019 18:49

Gentle*

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 30/01/2019 18:50

The poor parenting here is your mother’s parenting of you!

Seeline · 30/01/2019 18:54

Surely if it's his dad's weekend, and your DS wants to go to the party, it's up to his dad to get him there? At that age I'm sure his dad could stay at the party.

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BirthdayKake · 30/01/2019 18:56

Yeah. Your mother is a twat. No wonder you doubt whether you're good parent when that is your role model!

LettuceP · 30/01/2019 18:56

Whaaat? Of course not. Ds has been invited to a party but you've already got plans, happens all the time. Very mean of your mum to call you selfish and make you feel guilty about it.

GreenTulips · 30/01/2019 18:56

Yes message his dad saying DS wants to go - here are the details can you let party mum know

Original poster
WhoNose21 · 30/01/2019 18:56

Do you think? I love her and she helps me so much with DS but I have realised in the past couple of years how much she berates me for issues to do with my ds. She gives me the silent treatment if I do something I don’t like (ie agreeing to do 50:50 on Xmas day with exdp lead her to calling me the most selfish person she’d met). I have an anxiety reserved solely for her, I hate it when I think it’s angry with me and try all I can do to rectify it. I am a grown woman :(

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 30/01/2019 18:56

It's your ex's weekend to have him it's up to him to get him to the party

Original poster
WhoNose21 · 30/01/2019 18:57

His dad definitely 100% won’t take him. He will say it’s too far to drive back and he has his dd from his first marriage at the weekends too so won’t cart her back and forth

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 30/01/2019 18:58

Its his dad's weekend so any parties on those weekends should be for him to sort whether they go or not. An hour away isn't too far.

GalacticChickenShit · 30/01/2019 18:58

Mother or not, I'd tell her to piss off.

Original poster
WhoNose21 · 30/01/2019 18:58

She says because it’s the first one he’s ever wanted to go to I should cancel my plans. To be fair that is true but they are plans that are in place and it’s a shame ds has to miss out but that’s life. But like I said, she made me feel evil.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 30/01/2019 19:00

My dm was also envious when arrangements with ex were amicable and working well....

formerbabe · 30/01/2019 19:02

Why can't his dad take him? You say he lives an hour away...assuming the party is in the area you live...an hour's drive to take his ds to the party isn't a big deal.

GunpowderGelatine · 30/01/2019 19:06

Putting every enjoyable aspect of your own life on hold so your DS can go to a kids party for an hour is not reasonable or sane. Your mum is being a cow

ThursdayLastWeek · 30/01/2019 19:11

I agree with PP. give the details to DS dad and let him deal with it - the RSVP, letting DS know etc etc

I’m sorry your mum is such a douchebag about it. Pay her no heed.

Original poster
WhoNose21 · 30/01/2019 19:30

Thanks everyone, you really have made me feel so much better. I think I need to really look at how my mum makes me feel. There is not a soul in the world who makes me feel how she does :(

OP posts:
Areyouongluedear · 30/01/2019 19:34

I agree with previous posters. Also moving forward maybe have a chat with his dad and see if he can take him to some parties, as your dc gets older there may be extra curricular stuff and more parties he wants to go to so his dad will need to compromise sometimes.

NerrSnerr · 30/01/2019 19:40

His dad needs to manage the invitations on his weekends. He can then RSVP if he can't or won't go.

Original poster
WhoNose21 · 30/01/2019 20:06

His dad just won’t (that’s a whole other thread). I’ve rang her and she cancelled my
Call Hmm ds has forgotten all
About the party now.

OP posts:
SuperMam123 · 30/01/2019 20:12

Dad might find that as DS gets older he will start refusing to go if dad doesn't make the effort to take ds to events that he doesn't want to miss. Happened with my sisters DS. That's his problem anyhow. You're mother is being very unfair on you and I wouldn't pay her any mind. I feel that the older generations especially have this view that once you become a mother your own life is over and that we should fall in line with what the children want. If it was me I'd tell dad that he was to take him but that's just me. You're doing nothing wrong x

pusspuss9 · 30/01/2019 20:12

I agree with everything written above, however if it were me, I would have cancelled my own arrangements and let son go to the party if it were important for him. I realise that would probably be seen as a silly decision of mine though.

Loopytiles · 31/01/2019 08:52

Your mother’s behaviour does sound very negative, criticism and sulking etc is not OK. suggest reflecting on your “boundaries” with her, eg sharing less info on your DS and parenting, asking her to stop when she gives unsolicited advice or criticism.

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