Arguments about paying for our mums surprise party

[SailAwayWithMeHuni]

I’m one of 5 sisters and our mum has a significant birthday coming up and we all agreed to split the cost of a surprise party and set a budget of £150 each.

One sister has now said she only has £75 to contribute and the party is less than 2 weeks away.

The rest of us now have to find the extra money, which isn’t too big an issue for myself but I know my other sisters just don’t have the money, particularly as I had to buy bread and milk etc. for one of my sisters today.

I’m of the opinion, let her keep her £75 and her name gets removed from everything and we rework the budget the best we can but the others think we should still take her money.

So, what would you do?

Removing her name would be petty

why does she only have £75?

How would your mum feel seeing her name missing off everything? It's unfair but I don't think I'd take it off. Can you accept what she can afford now and she pay the rest at a later time?

Regardless of how you deal with that privately don't let it blight your Mums day. So, no, don't do that.

I can understand your feelings but I wouldn't do that. It's about your mum really. Can she genuinely not afford it?

Why on earth are you throwing a £750 party when one of you can’t afford bread and milk? If I was your mum I’d be horrified at money that clearly can’t be afforded being spent on me.

The party is for your Mum and I'm sure your mother cares for you all equally. It would be unkind both to your sis4ter and your mum to remove her name. Take the 75 and rework the budget.

If you have different levels of disposable income a straight 5 way split is not the fairest way to pay for something. £150 is much more expensive for some of you than others, especially when it involves people not being able to afford basic food.

'Why on earth are you throwing a £750 party when one of you can’t afford bread and milk? If I was your mum I’d be horrified at money that clearly can’t be afforded being spent on me.'

Agreed. It seems that she is not the only sister struggling to afford the cost of this party.

Why are you throwing such an extravagant party if some of you can’t afford it? Why not just set the budget lower?

I think that the ones who can afford to should subsidise the others, include all 5, have the party, never tell your mum about this and seriously re think such extravagant gestures when 2 out of 5 of you just can't afford it.

So you railroaded your sisters into this extravagant party, knowing that the other 4 sisters can barely afford bread and milk, and now you're going to wipe one sister off because she can't afford a party over basic necessities this week.

Let me guess, you are going to spend most of this party letting your mother know that this was all your idea, and that you were the one that planned it and did all of the work? You sound like one of those people that want all of the glory at the expense of everyone else. I bet your sisters can see right through you.

You could just write her name half size on everything ??

Seriously though how annoying but don’t remove her name or refuse her money etc. May be a really good reason for this ? Can the costs be reworked to accommodate shortfall or some of it ?
Most important thing is not to allow your mum to know anything about it, not to spoil the day for any of you, not to allow it to create lasting bad feeling.
My lovely old ma died very recently and I am so glad that my siblings and I had a lovely birthday do for her shortly before, managing unexpectedly and without any idea she would soon die, to put various minor differences aside. Ended up having great day - all of us - massive comfort now.

I have more disposable income than my sisters and it is my pleasure to subsidise/help them out in situations like this. It sounds like there was an unrealistic expectation of how much everyone would contribute.

Unless your sister committed (and could originally afford it) and then blew all her money irresponsibly, there’s no justification for leaving her out.

If you can find the extra yourself, put it in, and gloss over it so everyone enjoys the day with no bitterness or resentment

Do not remove her name. It sounds like a waste of money given one of you can't even afford groceries. Why so expensive?

I had a very similar situation to this where my siblings tried to persuade me to spend a lot of money on a parent’s birthday. Money is exceptionally tight and I tried to get out of it but felt under a lot of pressure. My sister paid my share in the end and I pay her back monthly but I still can’t afford it. I’ve ended up feeling hugely resentful about the whole thing and wish I’d been more outspoken. The budget was far beyond what I’d planned. If there’s five of you maybe she felt under pressure to agree so she’s not the only one but now realises how impossible it all is.

Utterly ridiculous to plan something so expensive when clearly AT LEAST 2 of the sisters couldn't afford it!

My mums one of 6 and they're evenly split into haves and have nots and things came to a major head with a celebration a few years back, it was quite like that episode of friends.

The haves are utterly clueless when it comes to what the have nots situation is eg around the time of the falling out one of the haves once complained they were "skint" then the following day put a deposit on a 3 week cruise! When questioned turned out their idea of "skint" was less than £5k in savings account!

They had it VERY markedly pointed out to them that when the have nots were "skint" that meant less than £5 to their name!

The have nots are also (2 of them) teetotal and they were getting (rightly) pissed off when they were all out for a meal and the drinkers were adding wine, cocktails and craft beers to the bill while they were having iced water!

All resolved now and they pay for joint things according to ability to pay and meals everyone just pays for themselves.

Funny how it's the ones WITH money can never see why splitting things "equally" is a problem.

750 pounds is a lot for a party!

I agree with the others, but waiting for the inevitable drip feeds from the OP.

I agree with pp. £750 is a huge amount for a party when it's clear that some family members can't afford it. It'd be really unfair to miss her name off.

OP is this a reverse? I can't believe you are really thinking about removing her name.

If you had all bought a present you would each have spentbehat you could afford.

That’s how it should be.

You are talking a big enough budget overall to make adjustments and adapt.

Just adapt the budget down £75, and do not cause any friction, upset, or passive aggressive shit. And especially never let your Mum know people contributed different amounts.

I would far rather not have a party than think my DD’s fell out over it.

Is your name Goneril or Reagan by any chance?

If you are able to rework the budget by excluding her why can you not rework the budget with what she is able to contribute and all try and get along nicely.

Surely you can trim down a few things so its a non issue.

My DD's are constantly arguing about something, I don't think they actually like each other half the time and honestly it really upsets me, they make no effort to even try. So I second @onthhop I'd rather no party than friction.

Crikey, removing her name would be awful of you. I feel very sorry for your other sister too if she can’d afford bread and milk but is having to pay £150 for a party. I’m sure it was jointly decided re budget and I can understand your annoyance but you will have to either put the difference in graciously or work together to rework the budget. Your poor mum if she ever got wind that you were planning to cut one of her children out - i’d Be mortified if my children were spending more than they could afford so be kind.