I’m a married man with 2 children.
I have been down (really down) the last few weeks and have been really anxious and can’t concentrate in work etc.
When my wife was on her Christmas night out, she never came home until 5 in the morning, which was very unusual for her. She said she a bunch of them went back to a colleagues house for a ‘house party’.
Between Christmas and New Year, she said she was going out with a friend for a while (went out a 3pm, and never came home till 6 in the morning). At this point I knew something was seriously wrong, and put 2+2 together and thought she must be cheating, but never said anything until I knew for sure.
On New Years Eve of all days, my wife and I had a discussion and she says that “she loves me, but is not IN love with me anymore”. After days of discussions and not knowing what to do, I reluctantly agreed to a trial separation, as I thought giving her some space would help, (even though neither of us can afford to move out). Trial separation in the same house - make of that what you will!
I’ve said to my wife that, the use of the words ‘trial separation’ is just an excuse and is a means to an end until she is in a position to be able to move out.
I am very ashamed to admit to this next point - I looked through my wife’s phone. There were text messages from a number which was only saved as someone’s initials. There were loads of messages, saying things like, “I hate being in this place (talking about her work) and not being able to do anything with you, “let’s book a hotel and nobody will know”. There was also a message saying “I have only been with X (talking about me), so I am clean, you don’t need to worry about anything”.
I confronted my wife about this, and after she shouted and balled at me for looking through her phone, she said “nothing has happened, it was just stupid texting that got out of hand”, and “I have nipped it in the bud now”. She confessed that this man (her colleague) is married with 3 kids of his own and that nothing would go any further.
Now, I am not sure if anything has happened or not (I’m leaning towards yes, it probably has). At the time I believed her that she would stop texting, but she is still being very secretive and seems to be taking more pride in her appearance when going to work!
(Next shameful moment for me) my wife and I are on the same mobile contract, so I looked and the itemised billing - since I confronted her there have been over 100 text messages to the same number - obviously still texting this man.
As you can imagine, my head is all over the place.
Is she using this trial separation as an excuse for having an affair?
I have not looked through her actual phone since and she says she has changed her passcode because she needs privacy! She doesn’t know that I know she is still texting him and I feel like I can’t say that I know, because I know that I have crossed a line with looking at phone bill.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
She asked me yesterday if it is okay if she goes out with her female friend on Friday night. I don’t believe her and I think she is going to meet this guy and cheat on me. She actually said, if you don’t believe me then you can come out with us and I’ll get my friend to bring her partner along. Why would she say this? Is it to put me off the scent, knowing that I will say no? The thought of her being with another man is killing me and I keep getting really vivid imagine of them being together.
Should I confront her again before Friday or just leave it and accept that my marriage is over?
My mind is fucked, and I don’t know what to do.
Can anyone help?!
Don’t be scared to be really honest with me and I know that looking through phone and itemised bill was wrong!