I’m struggling with feeling guilty about things nearly the whole time.
A big one is my 4 year old being an only child. We are currently TTC #2 but it has taken me a long time to build up the courage to do this. Making this decision has alleviated some guilt but if we can’t have another (I’m nearly 40) I know I will feel guilty that we didn’t start trying sooner. (I had PND for a few years so that was the main barrier at the time).
The next biggest thing is that I work 4 days a week 8-5, my daughter goes to preschool 5 days a week. I use my ‘day off’ while she is at preschool to do loads of housework, batch cooking, ironing etc so I can really focus on her at the weekends. However I feel horribly guilty that I don’t keep her home on my day off. She does like preschool and is doing very well. She’s the oldest in her year so is pretty much ready for reception class from an education point a view but is a very sensitive/emotional kid. Today she cried on the way in and it broke my heart. However, if I let her come home I really wouldn’t be able to get much done as she is quite a demanding child and likes my attention all the time. She isn’t at all interested in watching TV for example. She likes to be outside playing or doing something creative indoors with me being actively involved. I’m totally convinced she has more fun at preschool with her friends than with me at home, but I still feel guilty that I’m not taking advantage of spending as much time as possible with her.
Which brings me into my next point. If I don’t keep up with the housework I feel really guilty about that too. My DH feels resentful that I get a day off if don’t use it efficiently. So I really need that time alone to get things done.
My job is a very high pressured, patient facing NHS job (won’t say more as don’t want to out myself) but well paid. My DH works full time but I bring home more money than he does (about a third more). Therefore we can’t afford for me to drop any days as we really need my income to cover the bills. However, because I’m not full time my job suffers slightly and I always feel like I’m under performing. Therefore, I feel guilty that I’m not doing my job as well as I could if I was full time. I stand to be promoted in the next year and my pay potential will increase considerably. But, quite honestly, don’t think I could handle more stress so will probably have to decline to apply, which will really disappoint my manager. And my husband because we could do with more money.
My mum does all the school runs when I’m at work. She insists she’s happy to do it, but that adds another element of guilt as maybe I should be paying a childminder to do it?
So I basically feel like I’m slightly failing at everything.
Does anyone else feel like this? If so, how do you manage it?