Advice needed about trans son please.

[longdaysandpleasantnights]

I know this is a touchy subject, which is why I’ve not NC’d (very nervous about that decision!)

My DS17 told me about his desire to be a female at the age of 14. We went to the doctor almost 2 years ago and got a referrral to GIDS (gender identity service). He seemed ok to wait, which is a good job as it has taken so long for an appointment.

The appointment has just come through for next month at the Tavistock clinic and I am lost. While the appointment wasn’t ‘real’ I was free to hope that this was just a ‘phase’ and he would become comfortable in his own skin, a hope that became large when he started college in September and seemed to be so much happier.

Now the appointment is here and I cannot bury my head in the sand anymore. I need advice, non-biased from either side advice to be exact. Can anyone point me to some balanced organisations/websites that could help me get my head around it please?

I don’t want to start a bun fight, I just really want some advice on how to handle this. I have been fully supportive to him openly, but in my head I’m lost and heartbroken, he’s such a great person, I’m gutted he wants to change himself.

But your child will always be your child. All that is changing is the way she presents herself. That personality likely won't change, and in fact may become sunnier and more open if she finds she has a mother who will support her even though it might not be the easiest thing to do.

Honestly, watch and wait. Avoid being too forceful on either side of the gender debate (as there are groups who tell children anything other than total unquestioning acceptance is abusive). Encourage them to talk about their feelings. Be aware that sexuality and gender are related so confusion in one area might affect the other.

I'd keep an eye on internet access as I believe that online areas can create quite harmful subcultures for struggling teens which promote cutting down contact with parents etc.

Go in with an open mind and focus on your child becoming confident in who they are. It might be that they have gender/sex dysmorphia, it might be that they're just struggling, it might be that there's an element of contagion but by being open minded and caring you can best support them

I understand that, I just don’t want him (he’s fine with being called him BTW, I have asked, he fills forms in for college himself with the male pronoun) to face such a difficult future. And he already knows I will support him no matter what, we have had many heart to hearts and are incredibly close.

Maisy he is gay but says that has nothing to do with the trans issue. He is already super confident, he’s happy talking in front of crowds, did incredibly well with his GCSE’s and has lots of friends who he actually sees out of college rather than just online.

Honestly I would read Transgender Trend.

You don’t mention how you’ve been managing this since he first told you, what he’s been doing differently, what conversations you’d had. TT should be able to help with that.

Unlike what Faith says, I don’t agree you should just be blindly accepting what he says.

I would have to be honest with my DS.

"Do you believe I love you and want what is best for you? If you transition to a woman, the world will never truly accept you as one. You may have read things online and seen things that make you think otherwise. Bear in mind that platforms like Twitter attract people who have an agenda. Your day to day life will not be as easy as social media may have you believe."

"People believe rightly or wrongly that men who transition as women do so because of a sexual fetish. This assumption cannot be voiced but it is still there. This will impact on your employment and it will impact in every other area of your life: you may find friendship amongst those who are as you but it is still a lonely life."

"I am willing to try to help you identify what the root cause of this is because as much as I love and adore you I do not believe that a man can become a woman or vice versa. I do believe there is something inside of you saying that something is wrong."

That is a very condensed version and is what I personally believe but you may not op ... best of luck

Oh massive x-post!

If he hasn’t done anything to change his appearance or how he’s perceived then maybe he’s already coming down the other side and considering desisting?

He obviously has some conflict, it might be that working through with a good therapist can help.

Excellent @Artfullydead. Ultimately it will be a harsh realisation but better to have it now before hormones and god forbid surgery.

Has he had the opportunity to talk to a counsellor about his feelings? Has he been dressing/presenting as a woman? If he has been waiting 2 years and is still happy enough using male pronouns, that seems like he's not 100% set on the trans path.

I think all you can do really is to keep listening to him, respect his feelings, and at the same time gently challenge sex-based stereotypes wherever you see them.
Has he spoken to you about why he wants to be female?

I'm not sure then OP.
Could you support him and encourage talking routes to start with.
If your DC is confident and articulate then you could have an honest and non-emotive discussion with them. At the end of the day some people are trans, but sadly the trans agenda at the moment has been taken over by people with their own ulterior motives.

Give your DC time and space to talk, encourage personal reflection and critical thinking and hopefully they'll get to the point that is right for them.

I wouldn't approach this with a counsellor.

Artfully that is exactly how I feel, but I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want him to think I am anything more than 100% on his side at all times.

I asked him on Friday when the appointment came through what he wanted from the whole process. He says he wants to be a woman but does not want genital surgery because he has read about how 1 in 8 people who have it done are in almost constant pain. The fact that he isn’t wanting the genital surgery makes me think that he can’t be THAT deadly serious about it IYSWIM, I’m just totally confused about it all.

I probably haven’t given it as much thought as I should have as I have been dealing with my husband being diagnosed with bipolar a couple of years ago. The bipolar diagnosis doesn’t coincide with my son’s desire to be a woman BTW, he told me before his dad was diagnosed.

Ah well thank god he doesn't want surgery. So if he lives as a woman for a while he can change his mind. That is a massive relief for you I'm sure.

He’s grown his hair long and has a drawer full of female clothes which he wears in his bedroom. He has been open with his friends about it all for a while now, about 2 years.

George, in a way it is, but he wants breast augmentation so I dont know what to think. I do wonder about the autogynaphelia thing, but how do I bring that up with him?!

First, keep loving and caring for your child as you have always done. Our children often make choices or have feelings that are not what we would choose for them, and that's can be very hard to accept in a poisitive way.

Balanced information is in short supply on young trans people, especially now online. If you can find groups local to you or in your nearest city that might be your best source of solidarity, compassion, understanding and information.

There are groups aimed at young people and also groups that are for parents of gender questioning children, but provision varies across the country.

Honestly, wherever you do find info or people wanting to offer support, take a close look at their motivation and agenda and go into it with open eyes.

For instance, Transgender Trend, whilst it is recommended a lot on the FWR forum here, can't truthfully be described as unbiased.

You're worried for your child and that's a hard place to be.

Parents who have been in your shoes are likely to be best able to offer constructive support.

You're also going too get a lot of advice from people who have not been in your shoes but want to steer you and your child one way or the other with emotive and frightening scenarios.

There's one already on this thread suggesting you should tell your son that everyone will think he is a fetishist and that he will be doomed to a lonely life with a damaged career.

Choose your advisers and confidantes with care. I wish you and your child all the best.

There is no unbiased advice; we all hold bias about this, and often unconsciously. How can any of us not be unbiased given this is a relatively new phenomenon, and we do not have the advantage of hindsight, and it is already highly politicised?

Your love for your child is really the only unbiased 'resource' you have. For the rest, you can only do what you feel is right.

Thanks to everyone who responded, I think I’ll just wait until the appointment in a couple of weeks and I might know a bit more about what’s happening going forward after that. Hopefully they’ll have some good advice.