Fighting

[1981m]

I have posted in another thread and not got many responses so posting in here for more advice.

Background- Ds is in a very lively class. Unfortunately he's one of those children who is always on the line between being very good and getting involved with dcs who get in trouble a lot. There is one child in his class who last year punched one child, strangled two others and had been inVolved in lots of fights. He is the kind of child who runs up to another child, kicks them and then runs away laughing. He has been sent to the headteacher numerous times and nothing changes. His mothers answer to all this is to excuse his behaviour, it was innocent and the teachers took it as more, the other child must have been just as bad. She's completely deluded.

Anyway, unfortunately my ds has developed a friendship with this boy and seems to be drawn to him. As s result he has been involved in this fighting regularly. He knows it's unacceptable he knows what he needs to do but at the moment in time makes the choice to get involved. I spoke to his teacher and she confirmed my suspicions that this child follows ds around a constantly tried to engage him in rough play and fighting. It seems to be the only way he knows how to interact. Although, I am not saying my ds is innocent I am so upset he is involved in this time and time again. He's 6 so of course he finds it hard to walk away and say no. I feel angry that the school aren't dealing with it properly and my ds is being put in this situation. I ve had enough.

really want to send this message to the other boys mum. This is what I want to say. I want her to realise I ve had enough of my ds being enticed into flightong constantly. Whenever there is fighting her ds is involved. She needs to face up to her child's behaviour instead of things always being innocent and someone else's fault.

Here it is: I had a chat with Ds teacher. Although what started it wasn't seen It Sounds like It was fighting. I don't think they would be sent to xxxx for innocent mistakes. It is unacceptable. I am having various meetings with staff to ensure this is the last time it happens again. I am getting Increasingly frustrated at the number of these fighting incidents that are happening involving ds. He is trying hard to make the right decisions. so you don't hear it from Anyone else ds teacher and I have agreed My ds and your dc are to permanently be kept apart. We both think it's not a friendship which benefits either of them positively. Such a shame they can't just play nicely when together.

Is this too harsh? How do I tone it down without loosing the message? I am worried she will confront me in the school playground about it.

Sorry, to be clear- this is a text I want to send to the mum. I want them separated permanently. She's asking for play dates ffs

I think it’s fine. I’d thats what’s been agreed (good plan btw) and you’re already in contact with this mum then yes I think it’s best to be clear. You’re not saying anything offensive about her son. She may approach you but, so what? Yes, your boys need to be kept apart, simple.

Especially send it if she’s asking for play dates!!!!

Have school agreed to keep boys apart?

Why are you bothering?

The school can seperate the kids as much as you like (and by all means do ask for that) but when it comes to the crunch your child is choosing to involve himself with him. That is a choice your child is making.

It doesnt matter how young you are, you're old enough to know that if you choose to spend time with someone whose getting into trouble, you are likely to get into trouble too (actuallu whether you actively participated or not). I'd spell out in an age appropriate manner the consequences of what he's doing.

I wouldn't engage with the mum. You disparage the minimising of her childs behaviour but fail to aknowledge the active choices your own child is making

Yes, the teacher agreed they would be. I really want to make sure this happens. I am cross with the school as to why certain children are being allowed to be together unsupervised at all. It's outside of formal class times this is happening. I don't think they are being properly supervised. Other parents who's Ds is also getting involved in these fights because of this boy is also very annoyed now. She's going to the top and making sure they make changes.

Dh has just texted me to leave it to the teachers. Maybe I should? She doesn't listen to them though, he Ds has been sent to the highest authority in the school, missed playtimes etc and still his behaviour carried on. I said to the teacher this is working for the other child or my ds. Trouble is my ds isn't bothered by many consequences. He admitted to the teacher he's not bothered by missing playtime's, seeing dept head and missing other activities. One thing that makes him very hard work.

Trouble is my ds isn't bothered by many consequences. He admitted to the teacher he's not bothered by missing playtime's, seeing dept head and missing other activities

And there it is. Sort your child out and he would pick the other child to hang out with

Won't!!

Green- I do actively recognise the choices my Ds is making. I am extremely upset by him. He knows this. He has had many consequences- but he's quite uneffected by them. He has been told by me to stay away from this child, we have had numerous talks about what to do when silly behaviour starts to turn worse, how to get himself out of situations when others hurt him, he gets angry. He know it all but at the critical moment he chooses to engage. I am not there all the time so there's only so much I can do. I absolutely dispair of him.

But he's 6 and he's being put in a situation where a child is constantly pressing his buttons, trying to engage in kicking etc. I ve seen it myself in the playground before school. I feel like staff at school aren't allowing him enough space and opportunity to do the right things by properly disciplining this child and supervising properly. My ds threw a punch in this latest fight, he and I take responsibility for this. But my ds doesn't seem to learn from his mistakes.?

Green- what's your magic solution then?

Please tell, as I have tried everything with my ds. I admit he's hard work and seems uneffected by most consequences. I am really trying with him and he never gets away with unacceptable behaviour.

Overall he's a good child though and is not malicious. The teacher says he's very well behaved in class. He doesn't fight with anyone else except this one boy. He is drawn into these situations and fights back instead of waking away.

Maybe your DH is right.

You’ve spoken to the school and agreed an action plan. So that bit is done.

Your next concern is your son. You need to find a way to make sure he is bothered about his choices.

So far down the list is this other mum. If she’s asked for play dates reply and tell her you don’t want the boys being friends, it’s not healthy for either of them. But maybe don’t message unless you need to IYSWIM

Just had a chat with Ds and asked if the consequences he's had are going to make him stop fighting. She said maybe. I just don't know what to do with him.

Id be working on confidence and self esteem at home. Doing things that are challenging but offer a strong chance of sucess. PGL type stuff, scouting all good for that at that age but it will depend on yhe child.

Id be talking about it not just mattering what you do but what your friends do to. Its a good lesson to start learning now before you have social media to contend with as well.

Set up a reward system for good behaviour, like marbles in jar to be traded in for pocket money or screen time. Remove marbles for bad behaviour either in home or at school. Keep going even if they claim they dont care (they will when they realise they are missing out).

Thanks green. We are going to do marbles in a jar for pocket money. He currently has picked money and this was one of this consequences, he lost it this week and I took money out his piggy bank from previous weeks too. No effect!

We ve done so many reward charts over the years I really wanted to stop them now as it got to the point where he was getting the stars and being brought things constantly and was saying he'd be good if he got xy or z from his reward chart. Taking off stars didn't bother him. I thought it had become never ending and I just want him to be good to be good now he's 6. His younger sibling has never needed a star chart.

But I will do marbles in the jar and pocket money. Trouble is in the heat of the moment when this boy winds him up and silly behaviour turns to rough abc fighting he won't be thinking about his Marble jar.

I do talk to him about the dcs in his class who are well behaved, who don't get involved with this boy. I think many of them are scared of him and so keep out his way. They move away from bad situations but not my child he seems to seek them.

I will talk about his self esteem With him, good idea. We do tend to end up focusing on the negative with him because he's just hard work to parent. But I do try and tell him what he's doing right too and his good qualities- which there are many.

He's a member of beavers and does weekly forest school at school. He does active holiday clubs.

It's forest school days which are the worse for behaviour of all the class I find because there are unstructured times when this group of boys are left together without direct supervision. I don't understand why they are allowed to sit together.

I think it's learnt behaviour he copies, it's almost become his way of 'bonding' with the other children. it started from his cousins, who have both now calmed down, and then has carried on because it wasn't stamped down by the school in reception and unfortunately there are lively children in his class who do this. So together they are not a good combination. I can't seem to break the chain.