Why do people on MN insist on a one-size-fits-all approach to family finances? ***TITLE EDITED BY MNHQ AT OP'S REQUEST***

[MoneyBusiness]

Sorry about the goady title. I've NC'd for this.

I've noticed on here an increasing number of posters who seem to think that the only possible way to manage your finances when married is to share all of your assets.

I encounter questions like:

"What's the point of getting married if you have separate finances?"

Really? Do people find it so difficult to understand that some of us marry for love, commitment, security, religion, etc and don't equate marriage with money? To turn it around, why don't you stay as bf/gf and just share finances, which is entirely possible?

I have always been financially independent (I was brought up that way) and met my DH in my 30s so that's more than 30 years of managing my own finances. He is good with money but has debts from previous bad decisions in his early 20s. We have a joint account that we pay the same into (similar salaries) for joint expenses and individual accounts for our own purchases. His debt repayments, including mortgage repayments for a stupidly expensive house he bought with his ex, come from that. Why should I pay for that?

I am pregnant and when on maternity leave we will get by on savings and his salary and later on we will continue to use the joint account to pay for DC things.

We signed a separate property contract which means we can share what we want but in case of divorce, assets will be split easily into mine and his (which hopefully will never happen!) and it means I will never be liable for his debts. It works for us. In many countries, separate property is the default upon signing the marriage contract. Why do most MNers find that so hard to understand and say we should still be bf/gf as if marriage was only about money?

I often read this extreme too: "how can one be enjoying Caribbean holidays and fancy restaurants while the other is struggling?" We would never let the other one struggle and we take up the slack when one has less money or simply don't do the expensive thing we'd like.

If one of us earned significantly more, I imagine we would work out a percentage of salaries to pay into the joint account and that person may choose to treat the other one to nice things. It would never be demanded or expected.

So, the hypocritical part is that people here go on about us women making sure we're not financially vulnerable, not being SAHMs for too long in case our DH leaves us and we have no career. Can nobody see that by having community property (i.e completely shared assets), if your DH decided to gamble your lives away or get into debt, you would be liable, have the bailiffs knocking and end up with nothing? With community property, if you have a joint account, his bad credit rating becomes yours!

If that works for you, that's great! But can I ask you to stop knocking those of us that do things differently, telling us we shouldn't be married, which is highly offensive?

Sorry about the length! I had a lot to get off my chest!

I haven’t said anything to you, so stop taking things personally online and chill out.

My overall message is let's support each other in our decisions instead of taking a one size fits all approach.

I think it isn't the married women that get the furrowed brow. More like the cohabiting woman who has given up work to SAHM, moved in with her partner and become financially vulnerable that way.

Newsername

If this isn't directed at you why are you taking it personally?

Where does hypocrisy come into it?

FlibbertyGiblets

I read it a lot in both situations. I completely agree that unmarried women should protect themselves when having DC.

Oh.

Where does hypocrisy come into it?

Read the part that says: "so, the hypocritical part is that..."

This could have been an interesting discussion if you hadn't chosen such a petulant thread title. Maybe ask MNHQ to change it.

I can’t stand the:

‘How can you justify living off another human?’
‘It’s OUR money, WE are a PARTNERSHIP. I feel so sorry for you if you don’t have that with your DH ’

‘What if he leaves you?’
‘I’ll take half in the divorce, obviously’

‘What if he dies?’
‘Ummmm have you never heard of life insurance and pension?’

It’s so embarrassing!

Surely of this was about hypocrisy then people would be saying get a joint finances then not themselves ?

I think you misunderstand the meaning of hypocrisy, OP.

I don't see how this has anything at all to do with hypocracy, it's just that some posters have a different opinion. The world would be a boring place if everyone thought the same.

I think you misunderstand the meaning of hypocrisy, OP.

Nope, I understand perfectly. Check the dictionary definition if you're unclear.

which is highly offensive?

Just like your title then.

I don't believe in joint bank accounts. I keep everything in my sole name. It's easy enough to transfer money between your separate accounts for any joint expenditure.

The world would be a boring place if everyone thought the same.

Absolutely and I don't criticise anyone's financial decisions if it works for them. Why do they feel the need to tell me we are not a real partnership and we shouldn't be married?

All people are hypocrites, it is the human condition.

I've asked MN to change the title as I'd really rather people focused on the main message instead of a thread full of posts about the use of one word.

I don't really agree because

A) you yourself share finances. OK you have individual accounts but you have a joint account, shared property and say you wouldn't let each struggle and share money when needed. I'd say this is a common way to share finances and which one few people on Mn or anywhere would criticise.

B) if you read the threads where people suggest sharing finances, it is almost always in response to a post like "Help! I'm out of food and have no money. Me and DCs are really hungry. My DH is rich and is currently eating a steak and laughing at me"

You sound really immature. Grow up.

You managed your finances independently when you were a child?

I don't think you've really come across as the best you here

Butteredghost Thanks for responding.

I'd say this is a common way to share finances and which one few people on Mn or anywhere would criticise.

Even though to me it seems perfectly normal, you'd be surprised at the amount of times I've been personally criticised on here for not sharing everything.

And it's not just threads about one person struggling, which I'd understand. I often read threads where people are getting married and are told that they shouldn't even bother if they aren't going to pool all their assets.