DN9 Stole cash out my purse

[DevonshireCreamTea]

Hi just looking for some advice really...I picked up my niece, she is 9, after school yesterday too help my DB and SIL out as im on MAT leave atm, the afternoon was normal watched TV, made her dinner etc. I see my niece a few times a week this is not an unusual situation for her to be at my house.

However this morning I went to the shop and noticed my purse was empty I deffo had a 20 in there yesterday. I am a single parent so not like i have a DH who could have borrowed it, and my children are too young. Anyway i searched everywhere, im on MAT leave as i said so this is a fair bit of money to go missing and I knew I had put it in my purse after drawing it out from the cash machine.

Eventually I realised maybe DN had taken it but i wasnt sure how to ask, i love DN to bits and knew that if she hadnt it wouldnt be nice to be accused! Anyway i bit the bullet and set a jokey text to DB asking if she had accidently taken it maybe she had been playing with it and forgot to put it back, again i didnt want to be mean she is only 9 after all.

Anyway DB spoke to DN and she admitted to stealing it and she gave him the money back, she had the note in her bedroom hidden so hadnt spent it or anything. DN has apologised and i have told her i forgive her, which i do, but i dont understand why she would steal from me, I like to think i am a good aunty etc and she knows i dont have lots of money. DB has told her off and im not looking to punish her etc its more i want to understahd why, like i said i usually help out weekly with school runs so its important it doesnt keep happening. Is it something im doing? Im just looking for general advice really, dont know anyone else with older kids so not sure if its just normal rebellious behaviour. Sorry its so long dont want to drip feed.

is there a reason shes done this?

I know this is a conclusion but has she perhaps started her period and doesn't feel able to tell anybody so she (wrongly) took the money to buy the items she needs? I have heard this story before.

At least she admitted it and apologised.
Of course it’s very poor and unaccepatable behaviour, but kids make all sorts of mistakes. I’d certainly talk to her yourself about how it made you feel. Also to find out why she was taking the money - check she’s not being bullied or anything. Sounds like the situation has mostly been dealt with now in regard to resolving it and this alone wouldn’t make me have too many concerns. If she had hid it/ denied it/ not seen any problem with it then I’d have been more concerned. I doubt it’s any reflection on your relationship.

The paper folding example of trust can be useful.

Your integrity/reputation for honesty is like a blank piece of paper. If you lie, cheat or steal you put a fold in the paper.

You can flatten the paper (apologise) but you cannot undo the damage you’ve done to other people's opinion of how trustworthy you are.

All you can do is avoid putting any further wrinkles in the page.

She has broken trust with you. She needs to understand that’s a very big deal and work hard to earn your trust back.

Could she be jealous of the attention the baby is getting?

*Your integrity/reputation for honesty is like a blank piece of paper. If you lie, cheat or steal you put a fold in the paper.

You can flatten the paper (apologise) but you cannot undo the damage you’ve done to other people's opinion of how trustworthy you are.

All you can do is avoid putting any further wrinkles in the page.*

This is spot on, what a clever way of explaining it.

Everyone behaved very well after the fact. I think you are disappointed that she'll take the money.
Some kids like to take stuff. I wouldn't take personally but I'll have a chat about how much you love her and trust that she'll never take anything without checking with you first.
She is only young but I'm sure she can understand that her desire to have the money caused a lot of upset.

I read it on here a few years ago Fleur and thought it was a really good visual for kids.

I’ve used it when talking to my own kids about trust and explaining that in life (particularly for grown ups) saying “sorry” can’t always undo the thing you did.

You need to accept responsibility for the consequences of your behaviour.

Thank you everyone for the advice, sorry i dont know how to tag individual posters.
Yes i am quite dissapointed but also concerned as its really unlike her. She is such a lovely young girl never misbehaves etc. I dont think she is jealous as she has two younger siblings and I also have a toddler so she is used to being a mum now.
My DB and SIL are great parents but i know money for them is tight as well. I just hope she isnt feeling like she is having to go with out as i know treats are a rarity for them atm, but thats just life isnt it, i guess we cant go stealing lol. I will have a gentle chat with her make sure there is no bullying etc, thanks everyone, didnt have anyone in RL to hash this out with.

It was probably a split second bad decision . We've all had them.
But she does need to learn the consequences of stealing. Have a word with her with her parents present and tell her it would have meant that you and your children would have gone without food and heat for a few days and you are disappointed in her and it will take a long time before you can trust her again.