Colleague with stress - what to do

[Xuli]

I don't want to go into huge detail online but if you had a colleague who you know is stressed - they have already taken some time off for stress, and have told you privately how they are feeling - and you can see they are still very stressed in work, is there anything you can do?

And if you were genuinely worried about their mental health, such as potentially suicidal comments, is it acceptable to talk to a line manager or HR, or would that be mixing personal/private information and work?

The complication is no other family members or close friends to try and contact instead (part of the reason for the said person's stress, I think)

For stress I would offer support and be someone to talk too. For suicidal comments I'd speak to my manager I'd they were compassionate.

That's sad.

I would let them know I'm on their side and I would encourage them to seek help through work or a GP.

Its difficult to tell from your comment if this is a work related problem or personal. If a friend was having suicidal thoughts I think I would be encouraging them to see a doctor about it and get a referral to MH, or self refer to MH on NHS if possible or even speak to Samaritans if its potentially at that level.

We work for a largeish firm that is very supportive and open, I know theoretically HR would bend over backwards to find a way of making the job fit for this person, including changes of hours or even change of department.

The main work issue is that they can no longer cope with the quick deadlines in our team

It's so hard. I have lunch with them, chat to them, encouraged them to take time off with stress a few months back rather than the annual leave they were planning.

Another colleague and I are really quite worried. What if they have suicidal thoughts and we know that they potentially do, but we tell no one and then...?

Have you been online and looked at "how to support someone with suicidal thoughts", on the Samaritan/mind etc Websites?

Do you talk to them about accesses more practical support?

The issue with sharing it at work is that they have to go down the Safeguarding route and that can lead to an overreaction, in some cases.

So I'd read what's online and then make the decision.

X post.

If they come out of work, will they become isolated?

I'd help them to find practical solutions.

Firstly, well done for listening and seeing there is a problem - it gets swept under the carpet alot, so you listening will be appreciated.

Have you asked your colleague if they've told their manager, had regular meetings, had discussions with occupational health? If not you can open discussion up that way and if you wanted to offer togo to meetings with them as appropriate?

If they are giving you straight a hard "no" - you could say that them voicing suicidal thoughts means you do need to do something, and that getting some support in from hr is something that will be happening as the next logical step as something needs to change.

If they are still finding things difficult there are stress risk assessments which can be worked through with managers, also some areas have handling stress programs which can accept referrals directly or employee assistance programs.

All this while, please make sure you look after yourself too, it can be easy to be swept into another persons vortex, so if things arent rock solid i your own life its ok to take a step back too.

Have you encouraged them to talk to HR? If they won't, you could explain how worried you are and offer to meet with HR with them, even arrange the meeting on their behalf, possibly away from the workplace if that would feel easier for your colleague.

It's so difficult because you don't want to breach their trust, but equally you want them to get the support you need. I wonder if they've had a negative experience with HR elsewhere, not all are as understanding as yours.

Do you know who their GP is, or could you work it out by where they live? You could get a message to them if your colleague absolutely won't go to HR.

Thank you for the advice, I will look up those resources online.

We work in a potentially high stress sector so I know this can't be the first time HR would have had to get involved in something like this. They would be very supportive and colleague would definitely not be isolated. However I suspect that as we are a very busy team (which is making them stressed) they would feel like admitting it would just add to everyone else's workload, and that is holding them back.

I do think getting occupational health involved would be a good idea overall but as a PP says, going down that route myself feels like it could be a massive breach of trust.

Sadly we don't know their GP.

Firstly, my sympathies towards your colleague and to you for watching this person going through a tough time . My advice would be don't go to HR at this point - they could see this as a betrayl of trust. If you see this person struggling at work - can you take them out for a coffee and a chat every other day? Talking can be a great start. You could suggest emailing Samaritans on [email protected] or calling them on 116 123 (UK). Samaritans are there to offer support in times of crisis. It sounds like this person could really use counselling to talk about their problems in a safe space. Having counselling is not a sign of weakness - it's a practical way of getting the support that you need. You are doing a great thing by supporting this person in a time of crisis.

I don't know the answer to your questions, but wanted to say that you sound like such a lovely, caring friend. I say that as someone who is stressed at work, though not as severely as your colleague, and only getting through because of my wonderful supportive team and manager.

Thank you. We - my other colleague and I - feel quite useless really. Part of me wants to escalate it to the professionals like HR. I do know this colleague sees a counsellor but I don't know what for, work or home stress. They only really talk to me about work stress but I suspect there is a lot of home stress too.

Could I email their counsellor, instead of their GP, or is that really weird?

Does your organisation have an independent employee care service they can access?

Do no. Absolutely do NOT. Speak with their line manager

If they are a good line manager, they will notice something is up or recognise unrealistic timescales without you talking to them

If they are a shite line manager, they won’t notice but nor will you talking to them results in anything positive and very likely negative

I was once in this situation with a work colleague we knew he was stressed and troubled but he was putting on a brave face. We all adored him as a colleague and we were all supportive of him individually and collectively. Secretly individually we all thought he might attempt suicide he never said this but we all knew how down he was but no one voiced it. Anyway one weekend he did commit suicide. I’m not sure whether we would have been able to save him but we were all so upset and all wished we could have done more for him.
Personally with hindsight I would encourage them to go to the GP, contact samaritans for advice, I would also contact someone for yourself in order to support them better. If HR are sympathetic I would also go to them.