how to get over disappointment

[BigGlasses]

DD (11) is a very average child. Obviously to me she is very special and a had many lovely attributes, but generally she is middle ground and has yet to find anything she really excels at. She has never won a competition, come 1 2 or 3 in a race, been top of the class, etc. She isn't terrible at anything either. Just average. It is beginning to affect her confidence and a couple of times she has mentioned that she doesn't think she is good at anything. I reassure her and tell her that everyone has different talents and one day she will get her chance to shine. I've never (I don't think) pressurized her into feeling that she has to be the best, I always tell her that as long as she has tried her best that's great. And I just want her to be happy.

Anyway, her year at school had a reading challenge over Christmas. There were 5 set books to read and last week there was a multichoice quiz, and DD got 18/20. The 3 top marks would go through to a regional book quiz. DD was so excited, she adores reading and tried so hard. Today she was told that 3 others were going. The top marks from the 2 classes, who scored 19 and 17, and another girl who scored 19. I know this is fair, and deep down DD knows it too. But she is gutted. She really thought she had a chance to 'win' something for once. I don't know what to say and how to cheer her up. I'm fed up of saying her turn will come, because so far it's not happened. I don't want her to become disillusioned and give up trying for things, but it's hard.

Any advice?

I’m so sorry to hear that your daughter is having a tricky time with confidence. It’s such a shame about her not going through, it would’ve been a great chance for her to shine. I would’ve thought that Even though it was from 2 classes surely your daughter at 18 Marks should’ve been chosen over the girl with 17?

I think the positive is that she loves reading, and has shown great skill in answering questions based on what she’s read. Does she enjoy writing at all? As maybe she could start doing writing competitions for her age group, and this can be something out of school, so there’s not that overwhelm. It’s something that is hers and gives her chance to explore out of school, where she can still get amazing achievements.

Here’s a link that maybe worth you both having a look at :- www.youngwriters.co.uk/competitions/other.php

Her school may do something from time to time so it’s worth her keeping her eyes peeled. when I was in secondary there was a mini story competition had to be in less than 50 words. Entries from schools all over the country and the best get printed in a book.

For her confidence, she is at the tricky age where I think everything is character building, and everything can really feel overwhelming. It sounds like she has great support in you which will make all the difference. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of positive affirmations before? I do them and have done since around 15, and I know many schools in America incorporate them into their class plans. Many athletes do them to.

I would reassure her that she will have her shining moment, that it is important the she continues to build and care about her skills and her interests. It’s important that she believes not to give up, And also that she knows it’s completely okay to be disappointed and actually to be sad over really wanting something and it not turning out. But it’s ultimately what she takes from it and what she can do to feel like she can try something again. As adults we can feel the exact same way, maybe share with her times you’ve felt disappointed, like not getting a job you’ve wanted something like that. You could also share some of the stories from people she may admire, for instance if she likes Harry Potter, JK has an interesting journey before being published. It may just restore some hope for her that she can still achieve great things.

If she enjoys reading have you considered getting her an age appropriate book on confidence and self esteem? Often the tone of the book talks to pre-teens in their language, which as adults we can’t always articulate.

This is one time when you should ask why your dd was not considered for this award, seeing as she got bigger than one girl. Fight her corner sometimes.

So it was said in advance the highest scorer from each class, one per class, then the next highest? What if the highest score from the parallel class had been lower than 17, they'd still have gone with it?
It doesn't feel fair to me at all. Should be the top 3 marks out the year group/cohort and drawing out the hat if there were more than 3 with similar scores. Can you check?

Thanks for the replies. It was said in advance that the highest score from each class would go through, and then the 3rd place would go to the next highest scorer. I don't feel the school is in the wrong here, it's just managing DDs disappointment. She is a good girl and always tries her best/hardest and normally isn't that dissappointed about being middle of the pack in things, as she doesn't have that high expectations. Its just this time it was something she really felt she could achieve so the disappointment is greater.

I don't think there is a magic answer, it's just another life leason. A lesson in perseverence and resilience.

BF888, thanks for you suggestions about positive affirmation, I'll look into it. And I'll look into some books about self confidence and self esteem. Thanks

Ah I see. Well, all I would do is tell her how proud personally you are of her achievement and give her a book voucher/bookmark over the weekend from you, her proud mum.

If she enjoys writing stories as well as reading them, the 500 word comp opens again this month. They say spelling/grammar will not be held against entrants (although if drafting on a PC as required she would have access to spellcheck in any case).
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/13FxbKl0D1DP80zvWRgw2CK/submit-your-500-words-story

Don't know if you are a fan of The Middle but things always turn out for the best for Sue Heck in the long run

It's also a good time to explain that there's little real difference between 18 and 17 or 19. It just means they all did well but because it was a competition there had to be an artificial cut-off.

We spent a lot of time before exams and auditions reminding DD that nobody can design a competition (or an exam) that's perfect. There's always some unfairness somewhere. We talked to her about the element of chance (who gets the question they happen to have revised hardest for, and so on). Otherwise I could see she was going to take all these things as a true judgement on herself.

I'm sure you'll have covered all this. I think it was really helpful for DD to have some experience of how you cope with disappointment while she was still at school. We could help and her teachers did too. I didn't fail an exam till I was at university and I almost lost the plot.

Get her a copy of Matthew Syed's book "you are awesome" about growth mindset and how it's not the naturally talented that are necessarily the most successful. It's those with stickability, resilience and willing to put in the graft.

Hopefully she will see that she's doing exactly the right thing. I am positive she will go on to do well in life with the trying and working hard attitude.