Long post about whether to have a 3rd child AND what to do with frozen embryos.
I have a 6 year old conceived via IVF and a 2.75yr sibling who was a natural conception. Between the two children we lost two pregnancies each in the first trimester - one was a frozen embryo and the other some months later was a natural conception.
The IVF was stressful despite the wonderful outcome and the two miscarriages were very difficult. The pregnancy with my youngest son was very fraught as a result as I feared it too would end in a loss.
We still have two embryos in storage. They are from our one and only fresh IVF cycle that gave us our eldest six years ago. We used one other frozen embryo from this cycle when trying for a sibling but that ended in early miscarriage.
I just don’t know what to do with the remaining two. They are both blastocysts (quite developed embryos) and of decent quality on grading (not that is always a sign that they would be successful of course).
My husband is very happy to stick with two children. He is also willing to have a third if it's what I really want but accepts with some resignation that it will be 'stepping back' a few years again.
I hadn’t really thought much about having a third until very recently, but equally we had been keeping the embryos just in case. I had previously been keen to donate them to childless couples but the process is far from straightforward and would cost us too. And I worry that any children resulting would hate us for giving them away especially if they have an unhappy or abusive childhood. There are no guarantees. And new law changes mean they would be able to trace is once they turn 18...
I just turned 41 and would not be trying to conceive naturally at my age (and it would be unlikely to work anyway) but I feel like the embryos are one more chance that I would otherwise not have.
If we did a frozen cycle and it was not successful I don’t think we would try again as I don’t think I could take it mentally and also I would be older still, albeit by months. So potentially we will be left with one embryo to ‘destroy’ even if we do one more cycle. And that will be hard...
Reasons not to have another:
- Our time and money will be spread even more thinly across three children rather than two and the impact on our two existing children - attention, activities etc.
- No local family to support us.
Starting again....back to the baby stage
- Impact on my career - I’m currently PT in a flexible job but would look to move if another baby wasn’t on the cards.
- Possible risk to my health of pregnancy at this age (while the embryos are those of my 34 year old self, my body is now 41)
- Impact on us as a couple (v little time for us together or as individuals in first two years with each child but getting some back now that youngest is getting older)
- Need to change car (mine, DH has a company car that he can’t change and which wouldn’t accommodate 2 adults and 3 kids)
- Need to move house, if not before baby is born then within first year (we want to move anyway but a new baby would affect the timing)
- Bereaved / Elderly parents (mine) reasonably nearby who need what (limited) practical support and more emotional support that we can offer.
- 7 year gap between eldest and youngest assuming all goes smoothly - would mean that eldest is at secondary school by the time a third would start Reception year. Practically is this really hard?
- My age once the youngest is 18 - I'd be 60!
- Pregnancy with two children must be tough!
Reasons to have another:
- I feel very sad at the thought of never being pregnant or having a newborn again.
- We can afford it.
- I love seeing my two play together and their affection for each other.
- More siblings means more family for my children - our extended family isn't especially big or close.
I have mixed emotions about being an older mum. My mum was relatively old having me and died at an average age and I feel sad that I lost her when my own children were still very young and before I felt it was 'right' iyswim? But none of us have a crystal ball and we don't know how long we have so....
And if we decide not to try for another, how do I come to terms with letting these embryos perish or be used for research? I am so grateful for IVF giving me my eldest but I hate that I've been left in this situation of having to decide what to do with leftover embryos. Not everyone is as lucky I know but it's not an easy thing to deal with.
I'm so confused. Having the embryos is definitely a big factor in me thinking about a third child but not the only one.
Is trying for a third me being selfish in terms of my two existing children?
Would love to hear your thoughts. WWYD?