I need professional help with DCs

[kindnessisnotaweakness]

Does anyone have any experience of hiring a super nanny type person?

I’m worried about someone coming to stay at my house and what they might say about my parenting (and their dad). But I think we need to do this.

My eldest tells me she hates me fairly often, which makes me hate myself. I try to be the best parent I can be but I’m probably messing it all up. It’s hard to tell because I’m in the situation. I need some help.

Have you read this?

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00K7ED5S8/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21

Really helped me. I feel for you, I'm in CBT to help myself manage them.

Maybe just seek some family counselling? I regularly told my mother I hated her in my early teens. No amount of parenting help would have made a difference because she ruined our relationship and the assertions were my poor attempt at expressing that I just didn’t want her in my life as opposed to there being anything wrong with me. Normally when children express negative emotions it’s an indication of relationship problems rather than parenting problems. You can’t discipline a child into loving you, the best you can do is try to make sure that you have a healthy relationship.

Mumof3dragons - thanks for the link, the book looks interesting but what age is it targeted at?

I haven’t read that but will look in to it, thank you!

I don’t discipline eldest much - I am generally very calm. She says she hates me if I do eventually lose my patience, or if I am having to force her to get dressed for school for example. Sometimes she will get dressed if her own accord, sometimes we do races and if she loses a race she puts on an item of clothing - sometimes nothing works, we are running out of time and I get a bit cross. Nothing terrible. She then cries her eyes out and goes running to her dad. She’s 5.

It’s hard to put in to words really. I do feel she doesn’t live me very much tbh. She is closer to her dad. We used to be very close, until dd2 came along, I had a c section, breastfeeding, etc.

Maybe she doesn’t think I love her. I don’t know. I try so much to treat them equally and to be the best I can be at all times. There is a limit to how much patience I have. Maybe I’m too tolerant / patient.

I don’t have much experience but I don’t think a 5 year old saying she hates you as the same as a teenager who actually knows and fully understands what it means to say that they hate someone. Sounds like your 5 year old is lashing out and not saying you don’t need to work on your relationship with her, but it really doesn’t sound like the worst situation, especially if you are so willing to seek help

Also based on your more recent posts it sounds like this is the type of situation where love bombing her would be really useful

My dd1 can/has been like that. She is a twin and as she was the 'easy' one dh used to deal with her when I dealt with dd2. They are incredibly close as a result and I have often felt a bit disconnected from her and like I've failed her.

She used to regularly tell me she loved me least/not at all.

I love bombed her, asked dh to step back a bit and pushed it. We get on heaps better now. We do clash but we always will as we are pretty similar.

This was at its worst around 5/6 and she's 9 now. Looking back she was jealous and so was I.

Good luck with it - at least you are addressing it!

Oh fatpats, that really sounds so much like what we are going through. So glad to hear you managed to improve things.

We’ve signed up for Positive Parenting Solutions, an on-line parenting course. It’s really helping us.